I'm Highly Considering Dropping a C-Note On Miles' New Dog Bed

I never considered myself one of "those" dog owners, but, let's face it, I so am.

Mar 6, 2013 at 4:00pm | Leave a comment

You guys, Miles, my pug, is amazing.

Sure, he sleeps all day. He waits until you get this close to his face to unleash a Molotov cocktail-like sneeze. He's appointed himself the unofficial canine alarm system for our entire condo building -- zipping from window to window to let all the delivery men know he does not fuck around. And he will drag your "good" jeans through the house until you put them on and take him out. Yeah, he can be a bit of a jerk during waking hours, but in the morning he always looks like this:

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"Oh, I'm sorry, did my cuteness wake you?"

When we began sharing our life together back in 2008, I'd read a bunch of books that said you shouldn't let your puppy sleep in the bed with you because of practical reasons like "accidents," attachment and authority or whatever.

So I bought a then-five-month-old Miles a nice little bagel bed from PetSmart that he promptly, and might I say quite efficiently, ripped to shreds. Then it was on to an Ikea velvet floor pillow, which he similarly snacked on down to the white meat.

So after a week of watching him sprawled out on the hardwood, I broke down and let him sleep in my bed. And so was our happy sleeping arrangement until our two-way became a three-way with the addition of my boyfriend, Ike. 

Like all pugs, Miles can't help his snoring. You might as well ask a cow not to moo. It just is. And despite wanting to do humanity a favor by eradicating all snorey things from planet earth, I've grown accustomed to Miles' constant jackhammering. It's the soundtrack of life now. But, Ike, not so much.

So Miles has been given his own "room," a corner in the living room, and again we've gone through the dance of him destroying one bed after another.

Currently he's been rocking with this cheapo joint from Target for a record three months in addition to a blue silk pillow he kept swiping from the couch whenever someone's back was turned. Miles is nothing if not fancy. 

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But the above bed, which cost about 20 big ones, is on its very last legs. The poly fill isn't that supportive and the micro plush cover is looking ratty. When Miles isn't scratching the hell out of it, he's headbutting it in, what I can only assume, is an attempt to fluff it up without the benefit of opposable thumbs.

Some people would take this as a sign that Miles can't have nice things. I, on the other hand, think his superior tastes are simply not being met. Enter the $100 dollar (and up) dog bed. 

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This is the "royal pet bed" from Frontgate (which is the best catalogue for fancy shit you didn't know you needed). It's $179.99 dollars and "designed to not only cushion but completely surround your canine in pampered comfort." I really wish this came in purple so we could have ourselves a good ole fashioned "artist formerly known as" moment. I can just envision the amount of likes I'll get on Instagram for the photoshoot featuring a bejewled Milesbeast luxuriating in "pampered comfort."

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I had no clue that there were dog owners using technology to microwave their pets. That that was actually a thing. But it must be. Because the $130 dollar "self warming cat or dog bed" from JCP.com is specifically made to nuke your pet "without electricity or the inconvenience of power cords." I could see this being an issue as Miles The Thrilla (yet another one of his nicknames) gets older and apparently colder?

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I was made to be marketed to. If you put "urban" in the title of your product I will scoff first but look twice, and therein lies my secret shame. Since Mileszaa Wowzaa is still technically in his prime the $139.99 dollar "urban denim lounger" from Frontgate is the closest thing I could find to a bachelor pad. Doesn't the orange piping just scream, "I'm hot and you're not"?

If I ever let him have bitches over, this would a deal sealer. Well, the bed and this face:

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Now do you see why I'll sacrifice a C-note to make this little stinker happy? Because of this face! And also because the cheap beds just aren't cutting it and in lieu of sneaking him back into the bedroom his own mini Serta doesn't sound so bad. I know I'm not the only one spending big bucks on their pets. What's the most expensive thing you've bought your furry roomie?