Babies Are Disgusting: Parenting Firsts No One Tells You About

Why do all these baby-related things inevitably involve poop and other bodily functions? Because babies are disgusting.

I may have mentioned this already, but TWO of my close friends are pregnant and due within a couple of months of each other. What this means for me is not one, but TWO teeny tiny new humans for me to snuggle. I cannot wait. Ugh, I love babies so much.

When I was pregnant with Oliver, I looked forward to all those parenting “firsts” everyone talks about -- first word (Oliver’s first word was either “hi” or “kitty,” I can’t remember which because I’m terrible), first step, first living room fort, first viewing of “The Empire Strikes Back.” You know, the usual.

But there are other firsts that no one -- not my friends, family or parenting books told me about. All the gross stuff like, “first time baby pees on you” or “first time baby spits up on your face when you play the airplane game” or “first time baby refuses -- I mean REFUSES -- to take a nap.”

One surprise for me was what I like to call the Diaper Blowout. See, I assumed that diapers were meant to contain their contents. But I was so, so wrong. A Diaper Blowout, for the uninitiated, is when the baby does his or her business so forcefully that poo blows out of the diaper and right up the baby’s back.

I had read that, as a breastfed baby, Oliver would perhaps have bowel movements resembling mustard. But all the literature neglected to tell me that those bowel movements could be near nuclear in force.

And it was not until I experienced the Diaper Blowout that I learned how a) difficult and b) necessary it can be to have two grownups change a baby’s diapers and clothing at the same time. (One set of hands must carefully remove the soiled onesie over the baby’s head while another set of hands is there to wipe up the mess/remove the icky diaper/clean the baby.) Guh-ross.

I’m sorry that I just wrote several paragraphs about poop, but babies are disgusting.

In my opinion, these are the firsts we should be looking out for. So to my pregnant friends: consider yourselves warned. And I don’t mind at all if your baby poops on me.

So, what are the parenting firsts that no one told you about? What advice would you give to my pregnant friends? One of them (hi, Stacy!) is pregnant with her first kiddo, and I know she would appreciate some advance notice of all this baby stuff.

Somer never talks about poop on Twitter because ew: @somersherwood.