145 Total Frat Moves (Like, "There are Two Kinds of Girls: My Mom and Sluts"). This Is A Thing We Cannot Now Unsee.

"I like my women like my whiskey, 18 years old and mixed up with coke. Just kidding, I would never do that to whiskey." -- Total Frat Move
Publish date:
June 11, 2013
total frat move, TFM

I've been following the "Total Frat Move" story and meme since it began in 2010, and it seems that it's launching into a full-on Gawker-like empire now, with new sites and brands popping up more frequently -- and their book continuing to sell well since its release in January. (Another site from the guys behind TFM, Post Grad Problems just launched -- and their crowd-sourcing efforts for the "Total Frat Move" movie raised more than $75k a few months ago with fundraising perk packages promised in the fall.)

I knew that Annie had lived in this world when she was in college and despised it -- and since we are both believers in looking right into the heart of darkness, Annie and I finally decided to look at the #TFMs in the book and movie today. Then we both died a little inside.

"That's who I went to school with," she said, then recounted the story of a group of frat brothers who beat up a hipster on a bike and called him a racial epithet.

The trailer for the movie:

The recently released book is just as fuckery filled.

As intern Ellie pointed out, some of the #TFMs are just kind of dumb-funny and others are so horrifically offensive as to make you want to smash your computer.

Exhibits 1-145, examples of "Total Frat Moves" from the book:


On Fraternity Rush and the Beginning of College

1. Back to school shopping at the liquor store. TFM.2. Meeting people for the first time, multiple times. TFM.3. The leaders of tomorrow being unable to remember last night. TFM.4. Themed parties: the gentlemanly way of telling girls to wear something slutty. TFM.5. Holding back your laughter when the recruitment chair tells the rushes “We have a strict zero tolerance policy when it comes to hazing.” TFM.6. Enjoy the front seat of my car now rushee, you'll be in the trunk soon. TFM.7. GDI [God-Damned Independent, as in no sorority or fraternity] approached the door and tried to explain that his girlfriend was inside. I said, “There are a lot of guys’ girlfriends inside,” and slammed it shut. TFM.8. What I called “that night of drinking where I almost died” in high school is now just called Thursday. TFM.9. Freshmen move-in, it’s like Christmas, but for your penis. TFM.

On the Beginning of Pledgeship10. It’s all fun and games until somebody gives you a bid. TFM.11. The look on the legacy’s face when he realizes he’s just as fucked as the rest of the pledges. TFM.12. The house has that “new pledge class” smell. TFM.13. Changing their cell phone contact name prefixes from “Rushee” to “Pledge” and loving every minute of it. TFM.14. We had the pledges for under an hour before the risk management chair had to intervene. TFM.15. Any sentence that starts with “pledge” is a command. TFM16. Forcing the pledges to take a moment of silence for their recently deceased dignity. TFM.17. “Why are all these guys being so mean?” asked the confused pledge. TFM.

On Pledge Trainers

18. Pledgeship was four years ago, but I still hold my breath and look around for my pledge trainer whenever I hear the intro to "Walk” by Pantera. TFM.19. Unanimous vote for the marine as pledge trainer. TFM.20. Congratulations, we just elected the white Ray Lewis as pledge trainer. TFM.21. Even the active chapter is starting to buy into the pledge trainer’s mind-fuck. TFM.22. Pledge trainer gave the pledges the hazing hotline number. Little do they know, it’s our drunkest active’s cell phone number. Welcome to hell, boys. TFM.23. Mid-chapter meeting haze off to decide on the next pledge trainer. TFM.On Bid Night, Getting Fucked Up and Fucking Shit Up

24. Give that guy two bids, cause he’ll probably lose one tonight. TFM.25. Losing a pledge on bid night. Like actually losing him. Seriously, he’s still missing. TFM.26. Alcohol is only a depressant if your life sucks. TFM.27. Drinking away problems you don’t have. TFM.28. What I do when I’m blacked out is none of my damn business. TFM.29. Getting “light the wrong end of your cigarette” drunk. TFM.30. The “No Alcohol Beyond This Point” sign might as well say, “I bet you can’t chug that whole drink.” TFM.31. The door that got kicked in last night was a beer pong table this afternoon. TFM.32. Proving the “beer before liquor, never been sicker” phrase is complete horseshit on a daily basis. TFM.33. There’s a fine line between confident and cocky, and I just snorted it. TFM.

On Pledgeship and Hazing

34. Hazing is like a taint. It separates the pussies from the assholes. TFM.
35. Rudolph was the only reindeer that got hazed and look how well he turned out. TFM.36. Signing the anti-hazing agreement on a pledge’s back. TFM.37. Pledgerism –- the art of having a pledge write your paper. TFM.38. Any sentence that starts with “pledge” is a command. TFM.39. Explaining to the Greek Life Coordinator that the pledges that were blindfolded and walking through campus were actually participating in a visually impaired diversity exercise. TFM.40. Just like the rules, pledges were made to be broken. TFM.41. We may have the worst pledge class in chapter history, but it's still the best one on campus. TFM.On Hell Week

42. Betting cigarettes on which pledge will cry first during hell week. TFM.43. Various smells randomly cause hell week flashbacks. TFM.44. Eating prime rib in front of the pledges during hell week. TFM.45. The pledges’ assignment for the week was to break a world record. TFM.46. I thought I missed my 1:00 p.m. class, but I saw a pledge in the common room with both hands directly above his head and realized it was only noon. TFM.47. Bending the truth at the hospital during hell week. TFM.48. The pledges think they see light at the end of the tunnel. It’s the hell week train. TFM.49. Played porno on the bigscreen TV in the fratcastle and muted it. Had 2 pledges make the sounds. Funniest 30 minutes of my life. TFM.50. GDI [god-damned independent] referred to finals week as “hell week.” If he only knew… TFM.On Living at the Fraternity House

51. Telling fat chicks that the frat castle is a capacity. TFM.52. Our neighbors listen to awesome music, whether they like it or not. TFM.53. The chimney at the house is filled to the top with beer cans from roof drinking. TFM.54. Walked past three bathrooms in the frat castle to piss off the balcony. TFM.55. It’s not illegal if it happens in the frat house. TFM.56. Getting an awkward stare from your neighbors because you brought home a screamer last night. TFM.57. Our fraternity house has his/her bathrooms and co-ed showers. TFM.58. The house is a combination of a country club, a brothel and a Chevy dealership. TFM.59. The phrase “hold my beer” leading to a trip to the ER. TFM.60. “Wanna go take shots in my room?” TFM.On College Football Tailgating

61. We dress like we’re going to church on game days, because this is God’s country. TFM.62. Purebred black lab puppy at tailgate. It’s like fishing with dynamite. TFM.63. Perfecting the one-handed-football-catch-without-spilling-my-beer move. TFM.64. Good luck kicking me out of this tailgate. My granddad’s name is on the stadium. TFM.65. If my life were a football game there would be a lot of excessive celebration penalties. TFM.66. Blacked out at noon for the 5:30 game, came to singing the National Anthem in the stadium. TFM.67. Slapping a flat brim off a GDI [God-Damned Independent] during the National Anthem. TFM.68. Being at the game, but still having to watch the highlights to see what happened. TFM.69. Yes, I do stand throughout the whole football game. Yes, I do wait for the band to play the alma mater after the game. Yes, I do sing the Start Spangled Banner. No, I do not remember any of it. TFM.70. 4 ½ year plan just for one more football season. TFM.

On Intercourse and Relationships71. Switching to doggy style when the SportsCenter top 10 comes on. TFM.
72. Barely doing your part in a 69. TFM.73. The “hey beautiful” mass text to every girl in your phone at 2:00 a.m. TFM.74. Inviting a girl to come watch a movie, and filming one instead. TFM.75. Telling her you’re “getting close” during a blowjob when you’re nowhere near being done. TFM.76. She put out her hand so I would hold it. I gave her a low five. TFM.77. My wartime strategies and sexual tendencies coincide. Never pull out. TFM.78. Putting a mirror at the end of the hallway so girls have to watch themselves do the walk of shame. TFM.79. My girlfriend is in town. What a cock block. TFM.80. There are two types of girls in this world: my mom and sluts. TFM.On breaking the law81. Asking your arresting officer if you can hang your blazer in the front seat. TFM.82. Being known as “the drunk guy” in the drunk tank. TFM.83. Getting pulled over and letting the cop off with a warning. TFM.84. Leaving out the words “court mandated” when telling your mom about your community service hours. TFM.85. Asking campus police when the real cops are going to show up. TFM.86. Carpooling to your court date with the judge. TFM.87. Being mistaken for one of the lawyers in court. TFM.88. Adding the final exam for court-ordered DUI school to the fraternity test bank. TFM.89. When you’re with people that matter, the illegal things you do don’t. TFM.90. The great lawyers of tomorrow breaking an absurd number of laws today. TFM.On Road Trips91. The only time you’ll find me on a bus is on the way to formal. TFM.92. Making charter bus drivers wish they’d chosen a different profession. TFM.93. Pissing out the bus window at 70 mph. TFM.94. Talking shit to the driver because he hit a pothole during your kegstand. TFM.95. Using your blazer as a blanket to turn an OTPHJ [over-the-pants-handjob] into a good old-fashioned on the bus.96. The collective “aahhh” at the charter bus piss stop. TFM.97. Never getting back the security deposit for the bus. TFM.98. On a road trip, we don’t “visit” places. We pillage and destroy. We’re basically just really well-dressed Vikings. TFM.On Fashion and Formals

99. The better you dress, the worse you can behave. TFM.100. This blazer gives me confidence I don’t even need. TFM.101. The grin you get when your professor asks, “So did anyone do anything fun this weekend?” TFM.102. Sneaking drugs past cops by hiding them in my bloodstream. TFM.103. The blazer chest-pocket beer. TFM.104. Landing a haymaker at the bar in a sports coat. TFM.105. Smoking weed in a bowtie. TFM.106. Any occasion worth wearing a blazer is worth bringing a flask. TFM.107. Carrying uppers in the coin pocket of your khakis. TFM.108. Went to a pajama party in khakis and a button-down because that’s what I usually pass out in. TFM.

Additional #TFMs109. My birth certificate says I’m 19 years old. My ID says I’m 25 years old. My wardrobe says I’m 43 years old. TFM.110. Being the peer who pressures. TFM.111. Ordering food delivery, then passing out before it arrives. TFM.112. Giving condescending nicknames to people you barely know. TFM.113. “How old are you?” really means “I want to fuck you, but I don’t want to go to jail.” TFM.114. People call me by my first and last name with “fucking” in the middle. TFM.115. Overdressed and under the influence. TFM.116. Studying is for people who don’t trust their instincts. TFM.117. “2 hour parking” sign over my bed so they know they’re not welcome to stay the night. TFM.118. Told the GDI [God-Damned Independent] in front of me, “Hey do you want to split the work? I’ll do 1-5 and you do 6-10.” Told the GDI behind me, “Hey do you want to split the work? I’ll do 6-10 and you do 1-5.” TFM.119. “Here, put your number in. I don’t know how to spell your name.” TFM.120. We gave up on coming up with a witty name for the party, so the theme was “Ex-Athletes and Sluts.” TFM.121. The band from last year refused to return because of my behavior towards them. If they had played “Free Bird” there wouldn’t have been a problem. TFM.122. I like my women like my whiskey, 18 years old and mixed up with coke. Just kidding, I would never do that to whiskey. TFM.123. “I’ll quit after college.” TFM.124. I don’t pay for my friends. I pay for a mansion where we throw parties that you’re not invited to. TFM.125. Never helping with group projects, but always being the one who presents them. TFM.126. Public displays of erection. TFM.127. Better late than sober. TFM.128. Awoke this morning with my slampiece in one arm and a half empty bottle of Makers Mark in the other. Guess which one joined me for breakfast. TFM.129. Waiting for rush to be over so I can take a 4-month break from having to bend over and tie my own shoes. TFM.130. The perfect blend of complete gentleman and total asshole. TFM.131. Slamming like it’s the 60s, getting high like the 70s, dressing like the 80s, making money like the 90s, and drinking like it’s the end of the world. TFM.132. “I really shouldn’t do this.” Spoiler alert: she does it. TFM.133. Telling the rushee with pierced ears that the house is closed when there is obviously a full-blown rager going on. TFM.134. My relationships are like trick candles. She can blow me all she wants but we’ll never go out. TFM.135. Telling GDIs [God-Damned Independents] to come back when we have an open party. We never have an open party. TFM.136. Sorostitutes aren’t allowed over during “sorority silence.” Luckily, strippers are always welcome. TFM.137. If I wanted to be your friend I would’ve given you a bid. TFM.138. Using your one phone call to order pizza for everyone in the drunk tank. TFM.139. Impressing the mother on the dance floor, and then impressing the daughter in the bedroom. TFM.140. Waking up from a blackout with a ruler duct taped to what feels like a broken ankle. TFM.141. I trust my pledge brothers with my life, but I keep a padlock on my liquor cabinet. TFM.142. Diagnosing every injury sustained by a brother as “a broken vagina.” TFM.143. Telling someone “I’ll see what I can do” when the situation is clearly out of control. TFM.144. “It was like that when we got here.” TFM.145. Goths call us conformists. Hipsters call us mainstream. PETA calls us cruel. Environmentalists call us close-minded. Feminists call us womanizers. Socialists call us greedy. Liberals call us ignorant. But despite all this, society calls us successful. TFM.***

The saddest part to me is how many of these TFMs could stand for "Total Felony Move." Shudder.


Find Mandy long-form at http://tinyurl.com/stadtmiller.