Men I'm Over: Those Who Aren't Doing Anything (Ahem, Bruno Mars)

iTunes users may be amused by your laziness, Mr. Mars, but I am not.

May 10, 2011 at 10:24am | Leave a comment

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Today Bruno Mars is not doing anything. Nothing. Nada. You can call him if you want to prove it but he won't be answering his cell. He's just like that today and he's not about to apologize for being an asshole about it. He has other plans, at least according to the lyrics of "The Lazy Song," currently climbing the charts.

"I'm Gonna Kick My Feet Up/Then Stare At The Fan/Turn The TV On/Throw My Hand In My Pants/Nobody's Gon' Tell Me I Can't'"

Tomorrow you can find him playing video games and -- it would seem magically as he does so without checking his messages or lifting himself off of the couch -- finding a “really nice girl” for some “really nice” sex. ("And she's gonna scream out this is great.") The fact that this guy is so self-absorbed that he wrote an homage to his own inert penis-holding makes it difficult for me to believe in the authenticity of this girl’s orgasm.

Apart from that, if women are having booty call sex with a guy who wears a snuggie/references a dougie and swings his sloth in our face and then expects praise for it, like every man who has ever thought they were the first to do a penis helicopter, well, then we have some pretty crap standards. (But let the woman who hasn't had unfulfilling sex with a narcissistic man cast the first stone.) That this song could be so universally loved -- it's number three right now on iTunes -- by both genders feels a bit like our society giving up on men in general.

My question is, what was this guy doing yesterday that made him so lethargic and in need of such a lull in brain activity? Was he building a new high-speed train system connecting America's cities? Or perhaps he just finished a week long sit-in to keep his local Planned Parenthood open? Did he stop an asteroid from hitting The White House or even just plant a freaking pine sapling somewhere? We all know he did not do any of these things. So today is basically an added break from his (already exhausting!) day-to-day self-absorbed existence.

Is the Lazy Song so full of depression-grade anti-actualization that it manages to be a social critique? I truly doubt anyone will see it that way. When Bruno Mars finally gets up off his ass, I will be interested in a new song about it. He can call it "Today I actually did something worthwhile and it made me feel like a man (who has not just nice but awesome sex) to be a productive contributing member of society."

I've had more than enough of popular culture celebrating the decline of innovation and industriousness in America. Until then, Bruno Mars can be as lazy as he wants to but it doesn’t mean we all have to sing along.