Strictly Come Dancing 2012 Week Five: The Return of Artem's Chest

I'm entirely basing my judgements on nine seasons of couch criticism and absolutely no dance training. Just call me Alesha.
Publish date:
November 5, 2012
strictly come dancing, tv recaps, strictly 2012

Well, have we all recovered from the thrust-off that was the Ballroom Boys' Sunday opener? I, for one, am starting to live for my weekly fest of Artem's chest and hope he never puts it away.

But I'm not here to drool over foxy Russians – the matter at spatulistic hand is dancing, and with Alisande busy, you have me at the helm.

Get ready for judgements entirely based on nine seasons of couch criticism and absolutely no dance training. Just call me Alesha.

The hostingThere's only one host of Strictly Come Dancing, and that's Claudia 'the boss' Winkleman. Thank sequins for Tivo, which lets me fast forward every cringeworthy Bruce and Tess moment. I know a professional critic should watch every second, but life's too short – I had nephews to tickle and Russians to freeze-frame – so I have little to say except Tess, I liked the red frock and your mooning at the camera is even more hilarious at x32 speed.

The judgingDarcey has decided the free ride's over, so her scores and comments were baffling. Louis was amazing (more on that later) and how she dares claim anyone's dancing is too calculated, when she turned in the world's most robotic rumba in episode one? Stick to the technical tips, love.

The dancingFirst up, Kimberley, who performed a slightly desperate-looking salsa. I say that, I struggle to take my eyes off Pasha, who may well be the most simultaneous hot and cute person on TV, after Louis Theroux. Score: a good 33.

Lisa, you beauty. Ok, the tango could have been a bit neater, but the woman's carrying around an extra Darcey and trust me, it's not easy to whip a curvy frame around the dancefloor in time with a professional. (I say 'trust me' based solely on watching myself in the mirror going full pelt at Zumba.) Get this woman to week ten and she's going to stun us. Score: a fair 27.

Richard absolutely buggered up his foxtrot, but he should have kept his head up and powered through. Instead he fell to pieces. Score: a generous 17.

Ah Denise, you've found something you're not annoying at (because I never could warm to you on The Big Breakfast). With your mouth shut and your ballroom shoes on your are a bloody delight. A cracking Viennese waltz, just lay off the cheesy gags mate. Score: slightly stingy 35.

Ok, let's discuss Pendleton. I watched the routine through my fingers as the embarrassment factor of a woman dancing stone-cold sober on a table, quite evidently under duress, was matched only by Bruce's Halloween performance of Gangnam Style. As my sister so wisely said: “I just don't want to be her friend.” Score: a generous 23.

The star of the show was undeniably Louis, who let a bit of personality come out with a cheeky win and a bit of old-fashioned arse rubbing. I dunno what Darcey was on, I thought this performance was excellent, technically, and surely that trumps being 'free'. Give this boy a ten and get it over with. Score: a massively stingy 29.

Colin continued to look smug. You may have noticed that this is not my favourite ever Strictly line-up. Colin is the obligatory 'person you've never heard of' but by this point I've usually grown to love the filler celeb – see Matt D'Angelo and the shirtless one from Hollyoaks whose name I forget.

Problem is, I still know nothing about Colin except he was once in a Bond film. Not good enough. Score: a meh 27.

There was something creepy about Nicky's moves, like the housemate you stayed away from at the student union, because after three Aftershocks he'd creep up behind you, sweaty lipped, and try to hump. His rumba was limp. And the more tanned he gets, the more ridiculous his teeth look. Score: a whatever, 25.

Fern tackled some ill-advised floor spinning, which she threw herself into with the finesse of a breakdancing uncle. Great arms though, and good to see a bit of characterisation in this paso. Now come on Fern, we know you're nice, but your excellent work bagging Phil Vickery tells us you're also a bit filthy. Let it out. Score: 24.

Michael continued improving by turning in a solid foxtrot with, apparently, big bird. He's earned his place in the top flight, and I say that begrudgingly, because Natalie's rock hard body scares me. Score: 31.

And finally Dani. Little pocket rocket, absolute bloody star Dani, who gave us one of the best jives of Strictly EVER, in my opinion. Flicks, kicks, spunk, character, tricks, timing like a metronome. My new favourite. Come on the Danster! Score: a well-deserved 33.

The resultsThe Wanted left me...wanting. Bocelli's efforts were significantly more impressive, but frankly I just want to get to the result, and I have to say, I was pretty happy with the way the cookie crumbled. Richard redeemed himself, and though I always miss Christina's boobs once she's sent packing, a triangle has more sides than Colin Salmon and I'm pretty tired of suave and sophisticated.

Quotes of the weekMy three-year-old nephew who, after removing his pyjama bottoms to dance, referred to Craig Revel-Horwood as 'The Crazy Crabahorne'. The boy's a star.

I promise to never reveal who goes out before you've seen it on @ToryFrostWrites.