Spiders Are Scary and So Is Zoe Saldana

Why cant buff girls and not-so-buff girls kick ass equally?
Publish date:
September 2, 2011
spiders, colombiana, zoe saldana

I just saw “Colombiana” and the most important thing about that is that I forgot to take a picture of the couple who went into the theater right before me. Not for nothing, I’m 87 percent sure they were on their honeymoon. As in, they’d gotten married moments before deciding, “Hey, you know what would really make today special? A movie!”

They were both dressed roota to the toota in veneer white. She was in a very pretty off-the-shoulder flowy number and his patent leather Stacy Adams complemented perfectly. It reminded me of Prom ’98, when my mother almost convinced me to get my shoes dyed to match my dress. Also, it was 2 o’clock in the afternoon. Also, they were at least 50 years old. I’m not making fun of these people. I think they’re bad-ass.

But none of that has to do with “Colombiana” other than the fact that The Marrieds felt the need to get fancy for Zoe Saldana. Almost like how my boyfriend shushes me whenever she comes on TV. For example:

Ike: “This whole Libya situation is crazy—“

Me: “—right right. I was thinking that—”

TV: “—Zoe Saldana!”

Me: “That the global political arena—“

Ike: “Shhhhhhh.”

Fine fine, smart girls get the Shushy Monster whenever skinnier girls beam into the room. I’ll forgive Zoe anything since her bad-girl-meets-ballet pirouette in “Center Stage,” which was jazz hands down one of the best acted-by-dancers movie ever made. Ever.

Thing is, this movie is not about Standout Saldana, it’s about Sneak-in Saldana. Zoe’s (yes, we’re on a first name basis) strength in “Colombiana” is her ability to blend in like a Praying Mantis. She is not like The Marrieds, making a splash at the afternoon matinee in formal wear.

For some reason, this shocks people. There have been articles written about how unbelievable Saldana is as a super hero because her arms are too skinny. She’s spidery, some critics say. I say, in what alternative universe are spiders not scary?

Sure, there should be more Xena Warrior Princesses on the big screen. Like every red-blooded Gen Xer, I want Lucy Lawless to come sweep me off my feet someday. But in the meantime, why cant buff girls and not-so-buff girls kick ass equally? When I was in high school, my best friend Jeanne weighed maybe 100 pounds. That girl broke a brick with her bare hands. Her bare hands.

And like Zoe in “Colombiana,” she was very unassuming. She just showed up to school the day after her black belt test with a bandage on her hand. No biggie. Jeanne was also salutatorian, which made this quote from the movie even more true despite being ridiculous-sounding: “In this world, smart girls always get what they want.”

So, basically I should just tell Jeanne to see the movie. You don’t have to. But if you do you might inadvertently run into a couple on the honeymoon and that would be worth it.