Six Kids' TV Stars I Want to Marry

Don't pretend like you've never thought about this.
Publish date:
March 13, 2012
television, being inappropriate, Sex,

I know this is dirty, but I've been thinking a lot about DJ Lance Rock lately. Don't know who he is? Oh, gurl. You got to get on the DJ Lance Rock bandwagon. I'm seriously considering having or stealing a kid just so I can have an excuse to get my fill of the handsome, debonair star of "Yo Gabba Gabba!"

But Lance isn't the only object of my affections who happens to be a children's TV star. Check out the five handsomest, most adorably crushworthy grown-up stars of kiddie TV.

6. Big Bird

I love a man who stands out in a crowd, even if it's because he's bright yellow and covered in feathers. I enjoy a sensitive gent who isn't afraid to cry when his favorite local storekeeper dies (RIP Mr. Hooper, gone but not forgotten). And I dig a dude who ain't afraid to travel, like to China to hang out with a phoenix and a freaky-ass monkey king, or perhaps across the U.S. while being pursued by evil carnival owners.

Big Bird is kind to grumpy malcontents like Oscar the Grouch, semi-bilingual thanks to Maria, and super-creative. (Did you know Snuffalupagus was originally his invisible imaginary friend? True story!)

Big Bird would be the best boyfriend ever, because he would hug you whenever you were sad and sing you songs to cheer you up. When you were crampy and in the midst of a big chocolate craving, he would take you to delicious dinner parties at Cookie Monster's house. And he would never, ever not be nice to you or anyone else.

Watch Big Bird sing at Jim Henson's funeral and try not to cry your eyes out:

5. Mike O'Malley, Nickelodeon GUTS

Before "Glee"'s Mike O'Malley made you cry as the best TV dad since Dan Tanner, he made you jump up and down with excitement while watching the weird kiddie sports show "Nickelodeon GUTS." He was so enthusiastic and great with kids that he'd clearly make a fine dad one day -- and lo and behold, he transformed into Burt Hummel and fulfilled his destiny.

Plus, Mike O'Malley has beautiful eyes and is so talented it makes me quiver with longing.

4. David the Gnome

So, okay, David the Gnome is pretty old, but hear me out. He's really tiny but wears it well; he's not afraid of wild animals; he sports a fetching chapeau; and he's super-nice to his wife, Lisa.

Obviously you wouldn't want to break up their happy union, but let's say something happened to Lisa, like she fell down a foxhole or got crushed by the foot of an evil giant troll (it could happen). David would mourn for a long time, but eventually he'd open his beautiful gnomeish heart to your feminine wiles and you could totally make out on top of a mossy rock or something.

Here's the intro to his awesome show:

3. Jeff from "Today's Special"

"Today's Special" was a show that ran on Canadian television from 1982 to 1987 and later popped up in the U.S. on Nickelodeon. Its star, Jeff, is a department store mannequin who magically comes to life each night after the customers leave. His friends include a foxy store employee named Jodie, a Wilford Brimley-looking puppet security guard, and some mouse.

Jeff would probs be a complicated boyfriend because his magic hat is the only thing that keeps him human, and if it falls off he turns back into a mannequin. This is kind of like a dude who is really sweet to you in private but acts all distant as soon as his friends show up, like he barely even notices you're there.

Plus, the potential for dates would be limited, as Jeff can't ever leave the department store in Toronto where he lives. And his codependent relationship with his hot "friend" Jodie is cause for alarm. But Jeff is so handsome, you'd willingly purr "Hocus pocus alimagocus!" anytime he pleased.

Here's Jeff in all his mid-80s Canuck glory:

2. Young Pete, the Adventures of Pete and Pete

He was the coolest younger brother ever. He coped really well with his mom having a metal plate in her head, he had a marvelous tattoo, and he was smart as hell.

Here are the show's opening credits, featuring the killer band Polaris:

1. And finally, my greatest love of all: DJ LANCE ROCK

Before DJ Lance Rock hosted the awesomest kids' show current on air, he worked at the legendary San Francisco record emporium Amoeba Music. He played in a couple of awesome indie bands and basically ruled at life.

One of his band buddies went on to create "Yo Gabba Gabba!" and made the extremely brilliant choice to ask DJ Lance Rock if he'd be willing to put on a crazy furry hat and fetching jumpsuit. "Obvi," DJ Lance Rock probably said, and the rest is adorable (and swoon-inducing) history.

DJ Lance Rock would dance with you all the time, support your need to buy fun and outlandish outfits, and take you to cool shows with costumed superhero bands like the Aquabats, with whom he tours.

Here's DJ Lance Rock taking us on a shopping trip to his pre-Nickelodeon place of employment:

If you can think of any other kids' TV show characters you'd like to marry or just sit with on a magic toadstool (i.e., mutual masturbation) do let me know in the comments.