One Final "Best Of" List: The 50 Funniest Late-Night Jokes Of 2012

The news often sucked. At least the jokes were good. If you're reading, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jay, Dave, Conan, and Craig, we want more like these.
Publish date:
January 2, 2013
jokes, late night

If it isn't clear to you by now, I freaking love making lists. So please, allow me just one last one before we officially put a stop to all best-of-2012-whatever-things to indulge my love, love, love of the late-night genre. Are you a total late-night geek, too? Letterman or Leno? Letterman 4eva for me, but I do appreciate Leno as a standup. Do tell, do tell. And enjoy the lolz -- here are my favorite 50 from the year's monologues.

1. "The Huffington Post is taking some heat for badly misquoting Mark Twain in a recent piece that was meant to celebrate his birthday. But as Twain himself once said, 'Haters gonna hate.'" -- Jimmy Fallon, December 12

2. "Tim Tebow and actress Camilla Belle have called it quits. The rumor is, she caught him not having sex with another woman." - Jay Leno, December 21

3. "The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed." - David Letterman, December 18

4. "Last week a group of chefs baked the world's largest pizza, which is gluten-free and contains 9,000 pounds of cheese. Or as Americans put it, 'You had me at "world's largest pizza" -- you LOST me at "gluten-free" -- then you won me back with "9,000 pounds of cheese."'" - Jimmy Fallon, December 18

5. "A new survey found that 'Sophia' and 'Aiden' were the most popular baby names this year. The least popular baby name was Kim Jong Sandusky." - Jimmy Fallon, December 3

6. "Are you sick and tired of hearing the term 'fiscal cliff'? People don't understand it. It doesn't tell you how serious the situation is. They need more colorful metaphors. Here's how to explain it: 'It's 4 a.m. for our economy, and Lindsay Lohan is behind the wheel.'" - Jay Leno, November 30

7. "David Petraeus was reportedly not well liked at the CIA where he worked. A tip to you fellows out there -- don't cheat on your wife if you work with professional spies who don't like you." - Conan O'Brien, November 13

8. "I knew Obama was going to win. I knew this little secret. Use it next time there is an election and see if it doesn't work out. The guy who wins the presidential election is usually the guy who kills bin Laden." - David Letterman, November 8

9. "Mayor Bloomberg lifted his three or more people per car rule tonight. No one was allowed to cross the bridges between 6 a.m. until midnight unless they were in a car pool because the tunnels flooded. It's known as 'car pool tunnel syndrome.'" - Jimmy Kimmel, November 2

10. "The movie 'Cloud Atlas' opens today. Tom Hanks is in it. In 'Toy Story,' he played a cowboy. In 'Saving Private Ryan,' he played a soldier. In 'Cast Away,' he played a shirtless hairy dude. If he plays a Native American, he'll have achieved something called 'the Village People grand slam.'" - Craig Ferguson, October 26

11. "After months of dating, this week Taylor Swift broke up with her boyfriend, Conor Kennedy. And when Kennedy asked if they were ever getting back together, Taylor just handed him an iPod and said, 'Play track six.'" - Jimmy Fallon, October 25

12. "The format for the vice-presidential debate is different. The candidates spend 90 minutes guessing the actual retail price of merchandise." - David Letterman, October 8

13. "Arnold Schwarzenegger was on '60 Minutes' promoting his book. He said you can't run from your mistakes. You have to confront them. Yeah, especially if they look exactly like you and keep calling you dad." - Conan O'Brien, October 1

14. "This season's 'Dancing With the Stars' is called the 'All-Stars' edition. In previous years, people complained they'd never heard of the stars. Well, not this year. They've all been on before. Big names like Sabrina Bryan, Melissa Rycroft, and Giles Marini. Yes, Giles Marini. They got him. Or her." - Craig Ferguson, September 24

15. "Tomorrow Apple is holding a secret media event presumably to unveil the new iPhone 5. They say it has five blades for the closest shave yet." - Jimmy Kimmel, September 11

16. "Today Scarlett Johansson, Kerry Washington, and Eva Longoria all spoke at the Democratic convention. This means that Obama has all but clinched the crucial 13-year-old boy vote." - Conan O'Brien, September 6

17. "I no longer recognize Labor Day as a holiday now that Jerry Lewis is not hosting anymore." - Jimmy Kimmel, September 4

18. "Donald Trump was bumped from speaking at the Republican convention because of Hurricane Isaac. See, nobody ever talks about the good things hurricanes do." - Jay Leno, August 28

19. "Former New York Giant Michael Strahan will replace Regis Philbin as Kelly Ripa's permanent co-host. Of course it gets kind of weird when you hear that Regis was actually traded to the Giants." - Jimmy Fallon, August 22

20. "Mitt Romney picked Paul Ryan as his vice-presidential running mate. You seen these guys, Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan? They look like father and son dentists." - David Letterman, August 14

21. "Tough Olympic news for the Romneys. Ann Romney's horse Rafalka did not advance to the Olympic finals. Apparently it was beat by a smooth-talking socialist horse from Kenya." - Conan O'Brien, August 7, 2012

22. "Lindsay Lohan rear-ended someone on Sunset Boulevard yesterday, which I think means six more weeks of summer, right?" - Jimmy Kimmel, July 27

23. "Donald Trump's daughter Ivanka gave birth to a baby girl. The baby's name is 'Trump Granddaughter and Casino.'" - Conan O'Brien, July 18

24. "Happy Birthday to Harrison Ford, who turned 70 years old today. You can tell he's getting up there by his new movie: 'Raiders of the Bowl of Werther's Originals.'" - Jimmy Fallon, July 13

25. "Mitt Romney is worth $250 million. I saw him interviewed and they said, 'Mitt, how did you get so much money?' He said, 'You know what? I always buy store-brand ketchup.'" - David Letterman, July 10

26. "Tyler Perry's 'Madea's Witness Protection' opens today. He plays three parts in the movie, which is impressive and also economically very clever." - Craig Ferguson, June 29

27. "According to a new report, marijuana is the most popular drug on earth. So better luck next year, bath salts that make you eat someone else's face." - Conan O'Brien, June 28

28. "A company in Missouri is selling a glazed donut-flavored vodka. Which explains why last night I got like 20 drunk-dials from New Jersey Governor Chris Christie." - Jimmy Fallon, June 8

29. "Big movie opening this weekend. It's 'Snow White and the Huntsman.' Charlize Theron is the evil queen. She's willing to commit murder just to keep a more youthful appearance. We have a name for that type of person in Los Angeles. It's called everyone. The queen banishes Snow White because of her beauty. But the dwarves help Snow White because they're smitten by that very beauty. It teaches kids an important lesson: Nothing matters except for your looks." - Craig Ferguson, June 1

30. "It's not such a great day for fans of the game show 'Jeopardy.' Alex Trebek says he may retire at the end of the season. Trebek says he wants to spend more time at home, arrogantly correcting his family." - Craig Ferguson, May 29

31. "A new study says that people who snore have a higher risk of cancer. But the good news is: Hey, at least they're not losing any sleep over it." - Jay Leno, May 23

32. "Over the weekend Betty White endorsed Barack Obama. I think I'm going to wait and hear what Angela Lansbury has to say." - David Letterman, May 14

33. "More details about the Secret Service scandal. The 'Today' show sat down with the woman who claims to be the Colombian prostitute who got into the argument over how much she was supposed to be paid. NBC made a point of saying they did not pay her for the interview. This woman never gets paid." - Jimmy Kimmel, May 7

34. "I brought my son to Bring Your Child to Work Day. I brought him in and let him fire a writer. Bring Your Child to Work Day -- that's how we got George W. Bush." - David Letterman, April 26

35. "Time magazine has come out with their 100 most influential people issue, and Newt Gingrich is not on the list. In fact, he's not even on the list of the 100 most influential Newts." - Jay Leno, April 24

36. "The Megamillions story is getting interesting. The married couple in their sixties who won the Megamillions lottery says they giggled about it for hours, and by giggle they mean nervously plotted to murder each other." - Conan O'Brien, April 18

37. "It looks like Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are dating, and apparently they're getting serious. Friends say Kanye is the man Kim wants to spend the rest of her month with." - Jay Leno, April 11

38. "Over the weekend, Mitt Romney was actually spotted bodyboarding in California. Yeah, Romney would have gone surfing, but you know -- he hates standing for something." - Jimmy Fallon, April 9

39. "Some top Republicans are urging Newt Gingrich to leave the race, but he says he's sticking around. If they could get him to marry the race, he would probably leave it eventually." - Jimmy Kimmel, March 20

40. "Mitt Romney is so rich, he taught his dog to roll over ... an IRA." - Jay Leno, March 19

41. "Larry King announced he'll be hosting a new daily talk show online. The format of the show will be a little bit different from his TV show. The plan is to make it an hour of Larry staring into a webcam wondering if it's turned on and if anyone can hear him." - Jimmy Kimmel, March 12

42. "The latest polls show President Obama's approval rating among women has risen by 10 percent. Many people believe this increase is due to Obama's new campaign slogan: 'Tell me about your day.'" - Conan O'Brien, March 8

43. "There is an HBO movie coming out about the 2008 presidential election. Apparently John McCain is very unhappy with the way he was portrayed. He said he came across as a clueless and angry man. No one had the heart to tell him he was watching the toaster." - Craig Ferguson, March 2

44. "A new report found that Hawaii has the best quality of life of any state in the U.S. You know, just in case you thought it sucked living in Hawaii." - Jimmy Fallon, February 28

45. "The Yankees now have a new fragrance. It was just bound to happen because any time you walk into the clubhouse, you say 'Oh wow, if someone could just bottle this.'" - David Letterman, February 20

46. "Part of me thinks that Rick Santorum is running for president just to show his high school crush she should have gone to the prom with him. He even called global warming a hoax, which is no surprise, coming from a guy who is clearly in the pocket of big sweater vests." - Jimmy Kimmel, February 8

47. "Supermodel Gisele Bundchen wants people to pray for her husband Tom Brady to win the Super Bowl. In response, God said, 'You know what, I think I've done enough for Tom Brady.'" - Conan O'Brien, February 2

48. "There is now a $250 fine if you get caught eating in the subway. And they said if this works, then they're going to start cracking down on murder." - David Letterman, January 30

49. "Yesterday in Florida, President Obama kissed a woman on the cheek after she told him he looks good. Which explains why last night, Michelle made him sleep on Air Mattress One." - Jimmy Fallon, January 20

50. "Mitt Romney said that he liked to fire people. Well, there's a pretty good message to send to Middle America. When Rick Perry heard that, he said, 'Well that's nothing. I like to execute people.'" - David Letterman, January 10


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