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I already told y'all about quizzing Artie Lange on his "Tonight Show" predictions at the Friars Club of Jack Black since Artie proved Nostradamus with Conan O'Brien, but I also talked to other celebrities, too, and now I have to share with you these reflections because, you know: CELEBRITIES.
When you do red carpets, there are three ways to go.
1. You ask questions about the event. So, like, E! and all those straight-up celebrity WOWWOWOW! news outlets will grin, stick their mic out and say, "So how bad is Jack Black going to get it today at the roast, hmmm?" And then when Jack comes down the carpet, they ask: "So how bad are you shaking in your boots right now, Jack? Hmmm?"
2. You ask questions about whatever the fuck you want. But you make sure to plug the event in your final writeup (THE FRIARS CLUB ROAST OF JACK BLACK) so that you are doing your job in plugging said event since the publicists got you a spot.
3. You do both.
I opted for Number Two in this case because I knew xoJane's coverage wouldn't be next day, and other outlets would collect some of the best lines of the night. So I tried to think of a question that might produce some interesting replies and would work for everyone from Twisted Sister's frontman to, um, KISS's frontman. I came up with: "What's the best way to make a woman happy?"
Then if they seemed to bite, I followed it with the groundbreaking, "What's the best thing a guy has done for you, or what's the best thing you've done for a woman?"
I know. Walter Cronkite would be so jeal.
And when Aimee Mann came along, I decided she was too cool for me to ask that question ("Wise Up" is on my Top Rated Playlist, forever and ever, GAHHHHH love her) and instead asked about her spot on the funniest show on television, "Portlandia," where she did a killer cameo.
Her awesome cameo if you've never seen it:
"Wise Up," even if you've seen, WATCH AGAIN! LOOOOOVE.
My awkward interview about Aimee's spot on "Portlandia"!
And...here's the rest of the celebrity responses. I hope your mind is prepared to be blown in response to the epic investigation of:
HOW DO YOU MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY?
Michael McKean: Give her everything she wants, I guess. Mine seems to be very happy. I tell her I love her every day, and she knows it already. So, what am I really giving her? I’m giving her old news. I let her be herself. I let her do the things she loves. She loves to work, you know, she loves doing what she’s doing.
Dee Snider, Twisted Sister: Oh, well I’ve been with my wife for 37 years. Just say yes. Yeah, and it’s not as misogynistic or condescending as it sounds. We’re built completely differently. Women like to verbalize, men internalize. So, when we think here, and then we say “I’m going paint that wall blue” a woman externalizes and she’s like “I’m going paint that wall blue” and then a couple days later she says “I think I’m going paint it yellow,” it’s a process. So, men tend to react to women. When they say “blue” they say, “Why blue? and the women goes “ I can’t paint it blue?!” and then it becomes a fight over something she’s just trying to figure out. So, I’ve learned, just say yes. And when she has the paint can in her hand, then discuss the color.
Gene Simmons: Just let her win.
Wife Shannon: And…
Mandy: What’s the nicest thing he’s ever done for you?
Shannon: Oh, I don’t know. He’s done so many nice things. Breakfast in bed, and you know, he’ll save the last croissant for me.
Gene: Filled with diamonds. She only gets one croissant.
Sasha Cohen (ice skater): It changes. I think being in love makes you happy, absolutely. And then I think also feeling like you’re part of something where you belong and you’re building something gives you a sense of purpose and makes you happy.
Mandy: But there are no specific actions that a man can do to make you happy?
Sasha: I think you make you feel special, to pay attention to you.
Mandy: What’s the nicest thing a man has done like that?
Sasha: You know, I feel like for my birthday one year, total surprise, picked me up, we’re going to this amazing hotel, got there, there was like jewelry a cupcake, and he had already gone to set up the whole room. When someone really takes the time.
Jeffrey Ross: They say if you can make a woman laugh, you can do anything. So, laughter. Yeah, especially if you can make them laugh at themselves. Like you for instance, normally I don’t like when one boob is bigger than the other, but it works on you. Mandy: You’re just doing like the classic fucking straight from Neil Strauss "Game." That’s like textbook.
Jeffrey: Oh, I never read that. I’ve got my own methods. Women like funny guys.
Bob Saget: A vibrating egg.
Mandy: That’s a good Woody Allen-esque…
Bob: It is a Woody Allen line. The secret to making women happy is to listen and to be honest. And then not do any of the misogynistic punch lines to that after. Just say yes to everything. Because that doesn’t work. People ultimately end up unhappy. Get a relationship where both of you are honestly able to listen to each other.
Mandy: What’s the nicest thing you’ve done for a woman?
Bob: Listen to her.
So -- what do you think makes women happy? Or, I guess, what makes YOU happy?
Whose answer were you most horrified by? Or perhaps, exactly how horrified were you by the idiocy of my question in the first place?
And how fucking much do you love Aimee Mann on "Portlandia"?
Find Mandy long-form at http://tinyurl.com/stadtmiller.