Important Scientific* Breakthrough: The Letter "J" At the Start of Female Names is More Sexy

*Science = a spammy press release. Close enough.

Oct 8, 2013 at 4:30pm | Leave a comment

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OK, #1: is this publicist totally feeling me? WE ALL KNOW WHAT THE WINKYFACE MEANS. #2: I know. I need to charge my phone. My laptop is almost dead as I write this. I like to live on the edge ;)

Most of my life consists of emails telling me about the exciting new advancement in toe condom technology now available in the Alps for women in their 50s.

Or some press release equally as niche, hilarious, irrelevant and alienating.

Sometimes it makes me want to go all "Homeland" daughter "no one understands me, you guys." But other times it's quite delightful.

God bless, Badoo, that weird "funky" (I imagine it's one of their core corporate values after doing the workshop exercises in "Good to Great" amongst their higher management team) site that had all those ads on the subway a while back that seemed like MySpace if MySpace had just a little less staying power.

This new study they put out is (and I'm actually not being sarcastic here) a pretty excellent example of a PR person getting their brand talked about by a worthless not-hard-news-journo like me. I mean, if you're going to conduct a stupid study to get press, this is how it's done, friends.

Specific, funny, ridiculous. What ink-stained wretches like myself might call "a good watercooler story." Or what a late-night comedy producer might call "hey, forward this on to the intern so they can then send this on to our team of monologue writers because this will probably lead to some decent premises, maybe even a desk segment." Ah the media cycle. You sexy fickle beast.

(And -- no joke here, many comedy writers will tell you that for whatever reason, words that end in a hard "K" sound are considered funnier. Perhaps the letter "J" is the SAT if-this-then-that metaphorical exam question equivalent to sexiness that "K" is to hilarity.)

So, as you can see, there is an awesome story here.

And it is this. No, no, no, close down that other window tab about the government shutdown you have open, this story is more important.

This JUST in, folks: Names with the first letter "J" are more sexy.

That's right. Is it on the bottom of the CNN scroll yet? What about now? (Oh man, Al Jazeera so has a leg up here, don't they?)

Which means: All the Jennys of the world are getting hella more messages online than all those unbangable Marlenes. Janet? Forget about it. Engagement ring, mirrors on the ceiling, every sexual position city, sister.

So is it true? Should I call myself Jandy? My middle name is Louise and my first name is actually Amanda. "Jamanda Jouise?" It sounds like a vaguely anti-Semetic down-home cooking show.

When the research team of xoJane (XOJANE!!!!!! OMG, JANE!!!!!!) writers applied their analytical skills to this study, the jenuinely jorgeous Hannah Johnson replied, quite aptly: "Well, JOAQUIN. Also I had a teacher in high school who used to call me Johnson. Do I start going by that?"

DID HANNAH'S HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER HAVE UNTOWARD THOUGHTS TOWARD YOUNG JOHNSON?

Does the fact that the "J" in Joaquin sounds like a "wahh" rather than a hard "Juh" take away from the sexy factor at all?

And is just the letter "J' in itself sexy?

Because of the curve? Is it kind of like half of a butt?

Is it kind of because it's like a tongue curling around the other letters, softly and teasingly, doing unspeakable things to the rest of the alphabet? Is it because of Jar-Jar Binks? Is it because the letter "J" is like a curling finger motioning hither? Making the creepy gesture in the palm of a hand as if it to indicate "there's so much more where this came from"?

Does your name start with a "J"?

Should I use words that have a "J" in them to be sexier? Does this explain Justin Bieber?

Should this be my new pickup line: "Judge me if you want, jellybean. Just don't juggle my jurisdiction, jerk." Like, did that turn you on? I felt turned on, but I'm weird.

Is Judiasm now the sexiest religion? Are judges the sexiest members of the law? Is the Journal of the American Medical Association hotter than Hustler?

Like the iPhone 4, this changes everything.

Jagain.