I'm Like A Bloodhound For Picking The Worst New Fall Show

Don't even get me started on people who brag about not owning a television.

Sep 19, 2013 at 9:00am | Leave a comment

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I AM NOT a TV snob, or any other kind of pop culture snob. People being jerks about other people’s pop culture preferences is a huge pet peeve of mine.

I watch "Survivor," and "America's Next Top Model" and alllll them singing shows and I really hate it when people wrinkle their nose and go, "I'm sorry," when I mention it. Why can’t I just like what I like? I'm not hurting anyone. GOD. And like, why does it make you somehow SMARTER or MORE CULTURED than me that you don't like watching people sing on TV? It's called a talent show and I'm pretty sure humans have been into them since some caveman was like "Hey guys, gather round the campfire and watch this cool thing I can do."

And don't even get me started on people who brag about not owning a television. I mean, not owning a television is FINE, but opting out of a medium that is home to some of the most exciting and innovative entertainment you can currently consume doesn't make you a superior human to the rest of us.

So, while I don't disparage anyone for liking whatever they're into, there are some television shows that must quantifiably be called bad, not because they're lowbrow, but because they're just boring, or wildly implausible, or suffer from some other factor that makes them unenjoyable to watch for the majority of humans.

And every fall, I find one to get really excited about.

"This is my summer jam!" I'll announce to my household, and then I'll set the DVR to record the WHOLE SERIES, not just one episode, and otherwise get super-pumped for the premiere of this amazing new show I'm sure I'm going to be SO INTO. Then it turns out to be the worst show ever. It's grown comical. Pete has suggested that the networks should hire me as a one-woman focus group to save them millions on producing these shows that inevitably get canceled.

Here's a short list of shows that were going to be my new favorite:

Terra Nova

Oh, man, was I pumped for this show that followed a family as they traveled from their ruined Earth 85 million years into the past to create a new society in a parallel universe. In my defense, there were dinosaurs. I'm a sucker for dinosaurs. It didn't get picked up for a second season, probably because it was super-boring and badly acted and skimped on the dinosaurs.

Flashforward

A mysterious blackout causes everyone on the planet to lose consciousness for 2 minutes and 17 seconds, during which they see a vision of their own lives 6 months in the future. I actually enjoyed this one for the season it was on, but it got canceled before season 2 and the MYSTERY WAS NEVER REVEALED. I'll never know why those people had those blackouts.

Person of Interest

A former CIA agent gets recruited by a weirdo billionaire to help prevent future crimes predicted by a vague software that tells only that a person will soon be involved in some way with a crime. Also, Jesus was on it. This show is actually still on and I think really successful, but I couldn't watch more than half a season due to the crazy logic holes and unexamined paradoxes.

Revolution

I guess this show is coming back for another season? I don't know, it's the worst. But I thought it looked really cool because it took place in a post-apocalyptic dystopia and I'm into that. There was another big blackout involved. I should stay away from blackout shows.

Last Resort

This is one of my most devastating picks. Basically, a submarine crew goes rogue after refusing to fire nuclear missiles against Pakistan. This show lasted for like 2 months before it got canceled. I am really starting to feel bad about myself. 

Under the Dome

I really liked the Stephen King book this show is based on, in which the small town of Chester's Mill is abruptly separated from the outside world by an invisible barrier, the eponymous DOME. I'm still hanging in there on "Under the Dome," but it super sucks. The acting is horrible and major plot points make no actual sense.

I think what we I have learned about myself is that I get really excited about high-concept sci-fi or thrillers that are inevitably poorly executed. This season, I am really looking forward to "Hostages" with Toni Collette, so you should probably just go ahead and write that one off.

What new shows are you planning to watch this fall? Have you ever gotten super pumped for something that turned out to be horrible? How do you know when it's time to stop watching a show? I finally bailed on "True Blood" a few seasons ago and I feel really free.