I'm About to Tape the Dr. Drew Show Talking About How My Entire Life Has Been Defined By Sex, and I Think I'm Going to Puke

This isn't my first time doing TV, but it's my first time talking about my life in a really personal, really raw, really not just deflecting with humor kind of way. Omgomgomgomgomgomgomg.

Nov 27, 2012 at 2:00pm | Leave a comment

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#freakedout

 

You know how Jane will ask you guys for tips about what to, say, tell a reporter from New York magazine? Or I'll ask you how to pick my outfit before a Madonna concert?

OK. Right now is one of those times again. I have to be at the Dr. Drew studios in literally one hour to tape a segment talking about my crazy freaking life. I am sitting here eating a leftover burger, drinking a Red Bull and chain smoking with the TV on in the background on mute to soothe me. I am unshowered. I am un-hair-blow-dried. Which is next. That whole right action thing. First things first!

But here's what I'm asking you. What do you do to calm down or to visualize something going well? I remember before I got periodontal surgery, a friend told me to say "peace" to myself over and over. It helped. When I was getting divorced, another friend told me to say to yourself, "I can do this." That helped. I'm all about Louise Hay's affirmations and self-love, self-love, blah blah blah, you get it. That helps.

I'm still a nervous wreck. Peace. I can do this.

I guess what I'm asking is, for you, how do you detach from the outcome? What actually works for you? Like, I'm excellent at giving that advice, but when I'm about to go on national TV and talk about everything from my rape to my childhood to my weird three-pronged relationship to infidelity, well, I'm thinking about the motherfucking outcome.

I had a friend last night, the one who bought me the burger for those keeping score at home, who asked me, "So what do you want the outcome to be? Obviously, this kind of TV is a bit like making you a sacrificial lamb in terms of exposing yourself, so why are you willing to put yourself out there like that?"

I said, "xoJane."

He said, "No, besides that. Besides your work."

I said, "Because I think it's important to talk about things that society tries to make you feel bad or ashamed for talking about."

And he said, "But why go on 'Dr. Drew' and do it?"

I thought, and I responded, "Buy the ticket, take the ride." A Hunter S. Thompson quote if ever there was one.

Can I have your advice -- while I go shower and blow-dry and change into a black suit jacket and black dress (I'm super-limited clothing-wise because my lease doesn't start until Dec. 1 so I'm literally without a place to call home, which is kind of hilarious and absurd and surreal -- but I'm staying with an angel of a friend and it's turning into a big slumber party, but more on that in another post).

So I'm reaching deep within to think of how I would comfort someone else. I suppose the best advice I would give -- if I were giving it to a friend -- would be, "Remember, nothing really matters. Dust to dust," coupled with, "Have fun. Enjoy the ride." Oh, and maybe, "Do your best," and, "Be a good person." My God, I sound like such a sanctimonious Pollyanna. But you get it. I think.

Please. Give me your thoughts, friends. I'll be thinking of you (as I look into Dr. Drew's doctorly eyes) and trying to keep it together.

Oh, and the show airs tonight on HLN at 9 p.m. and midnight EST. In New York that channel is 758. Elsewhere it's probably something else. XO

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