A Guy Recaps Lady TV: A Soap Opera

This is the first, experimental installment of "A Guy Recaps Lady TV," in which Noah Garfinkel, a guy who mostly watches CNN and the History Channel, watches a lone episode of a television program geared toward women and recaps it. Here, he watches an episode of the long running soap opera, "The Bol

This is the first, experimental installment of A Guy Recaps Lady TV in which Noah Garfinkel -- a guy who mostly watches CNN and the History Channel -- watches a lone episode of a television program geared toward women and recaps it. Here, Noah takes in an episode of the long running soap opera, "The Bold and the Beautiful."

First, it is important to note why "The Bold and the Beautiful" was chosen over other soap operas as the subject for this recap. The choice was entirely based on how interesting today's cable guide descriptions made each show seem.

"The Bold and the Beautiful" was by far the most intriguing:

Dazyee follows Beverly onto a bus! Why would she do that?! Is Dayzee trying to tail Beverly to find out something about her, or is she perhaps just trying to learn how to take public transportation by emulating what might be a street smart friend? I gotta know!

And I've always been curious about whether "The Bold and the Beautiful" refers to people who are both bold and beautiful or two separate groups, one bold and one beautiful, who are in some way at odds.

We begin. The first shot of the show is a close up of a fairly young Asian woman in an office as somebody says in an accusatory voice, "I saw you, Beverly!" So immediately we know this is Beverly.

Awesome! Now we know one of the people who will get on a bus! Already we're not as lost as we thought we might be. Five people are in a room accusing Beverly of stealing pictures of a fashion collection and sending them to a rival fashion company called Jackie M who then copied the designs and used them in a show. Apparently this program is about infighting between fashion companies. Tight. Beverly vehemently denies that she sent the pictures to the other company, but everyone including a woman who vaguely resembles Martha from Denis The Menace are skeptical.

We then cut to Jackie M and her son who, by the way, looks exactly the same age as she does.

They are in an office, talking about how they stole the designs with the help of someone from the other company. Jackie M says that her son clearly has an "effect" on Pam. Who is Pam? I don't know! But she's not Beverly! Beverly was telling the truth! Poor Beverly. So, so poor. Perhaps that's why she ends up on a bus. (No offense to bus riders. I take the bus sometimes too! But, also, I am poor.)

Then the opening credits start to roll. There are 23 people in the opening credits. That is a lot of people. They are each bold and beautiful in their own way. Question number one: Answered. We then cut to the mom from The Wonder Years. What a nice surprise! The camera zooms in as we fade into a flash-back of her drunk in a sauna with Jackie M's son.

Don't be drunk in a sauna, Wonder Years Mom! You're going to deplete your electrolytes. Then, by way of the flashback, we learn that Wonder Years Mom is Pam and that she works for the first Fashion company where she stole the pictures from them after slyly sneaking into Denis The Menace Martha's office. She just really slyly snuck in there. Like a super sly sneak.

She then gave the photos to Jackie M because she likes being drunk in a sauna with her son, who, once again, is the same age as his mom. We end up back in Denis The Menace Martha's office where people are still yelling at Beverly who says, "Why must I learn the same damn lesson over and over again, to trust ANYONE!" which is a sentence that absolutely makes sense. They tell her she's fired, and she storms out out of the office, passing by a secretary who is holding a telephone with his arm straight out the way any normal person would hold a telephone with his arm straight out.

The people in Denis The Menace Martha's office then start raising other questions about Beverly. The following exchange takes place verbatim.

Dark Haired Guy: What do we know about this girl?

Blonde Lady: Just what your mother told us.

Blonde Lady 2: I mean, if we can believe any of it... Miss Beverly Hills...

Gray Haired Guy: Yeah, that can NOT be her real last name.

Hahaha, probably not, Gray Haired Guy! From now on we'll call him Dr. Smarts.

Denis The Menace Martha then goes to Jackie M's office to confront her about knowing that Beverly is the one who gave her the pictures. Jackie M denies that it was Beverly. We then cut to Beverly at a bus stop. We're about to find out all about the bus! Her friend meets her there. It's Dayzee! The one who's going to follow her onto the bus! They get on a bus. Beverly then explains the whole story to Daisy about how she got fired but didn't steal the pictures. So they ride around and talk about that for a while... On the bus... It turns out that this is the whole extent of the bus's role in this episode. So, yeah. That was kind of an arbitrary plot point to put in the cable guide description. It would be like if the back of the Jurassic Park DVD said, "Scientists find a way to bring dinosaurs back to life; a fat guy drives a Jeep." Anyway, Beverly lets off more steam and makes an upset-on-a-bus face.

The Gray Haired guy and the Dark Haired guy from before then ask Wonder Years Mom to hire a private investigator to find out more about Beverly. Good! I would like to know more too. For example, was her last name originally "Hills-Cop" and she just shortened it to "Hills" to seem less made-up? Wonder Years Mom then calls Jackie M.s son to say she feels guilty that an innocent woman is suspected of the act that she, in fact, committed. She wants to be comforted. "Maybe a pep talk from my number one sailor will help!" she says like that's an okay thing to say. Jackie M's son says she can come over.

Back in Denis The Menace Martha's office, Dark Haired Guy, Dr. Smarts and Blonde Ladies 1 and 2 figure out that Beverly couldn't have stolen the pictures because she didn't start working at their company in time to actually do that. It's sort of a group realization, but obviously Dr. Smarts was doing the heavy lifting in figuring this one out. Anyway, they all feel awful. We return to Jackie M's office where Denis The Menace Martha is finally leaving after being convinced that the picture thief was not Beverly. She leaves and goes back to the office where she and Blonde Lady 2 decide to go find Beverly and apologize. Dark Haired Guy and Blonde Lady 1 then discuss how the company is in trouble now that all their designs have been stolen. Blonde Lady 1 says that Dark Haired Guy and his father will come up with new designs and everything will be okay.

So, apparently this guy is this company's clothes designer?

Yup, that's what you imagine when you think of a women's clothes designer. EVERYTHING CHECKS OUT SO FAR. Blonde Lady 1 then assures him everything will be okay, and Dark Haired Guy passionately kisses her. You know, just a nice impromptu passionate kiss, the way male clothes designers always kiss a woman right before they get down to some women's clothes designing.

We then cut back to Beverly who is still on the bus making another upset-on-a-bus face.

Then we're with Denis the Menace Martha and Blonde Lady 1 in a car on the way to Beverly's house. And then there was a promo for "CSI" while credits began rolling.

Wait, that's how the episode ends?! Yes. Yes it is. So, that was a weirdly paced show that ended very abruptly. What was nice about it though, is that it gave you every chance to get caught up at any point. You're never like, "Wait, who's this person?" because every line of dialogue begins with someone saying the name of the character they are talking to. That was considerate of the writers. What was inconsiderate of the writers, however, was to write a whole episode about a mistake a bunch of characters make that they realize is an easily resolved mistake, with half the episode still to go. I revoke my criticism of the bus being included in the cable guide description. That was, in fact, the most interesting part of the show.