I Don't Understand a World In Which The Brewer Boys Lose X Factor

These kids smell like so much money!

I am an unashamed reality singing competition enthusiast. I think shows like "American Idol" and "The X Factor" tap into some primal human experience -- you know Oog and Ug probably started murdering Whitney songs around the campfire as soon as the other cavemen learned how to text in their votes. (Like many things that make no sense, that last sentence made me laugh.)

So you know I was all over last night's premiere live show of the new American "X Factor" in which the judges sent 5 contestants home more quickly than I have ever seen anything done on a reality show. My boyfriend doesn't really like watching these shows, but because I need a witness to my joy, I often make him sit through them and discuss the minutiae of each performance with me.

Anyway, sometimes we like people, and last night we LOVED the Brewer Boys. Look at their little non-threateningly sexual faces; they're practically begging to be pinned up on a bedroom wall and masturbated to!

But seriously, these kids smell like so much money. Cute, underage, Bieber-haired and most of all authentic! They're a couple of talented kids who feel things and play their acoustic guitars together and sing these beautiful harmonies that are always exactly correct because they obviously have perfect pitch. They're sincere! And talented! I wish I was a music executive, so I could just offer them a record deal and then kick my feet back and be like "Make me rich, boys. Make me rich."

So when Paula selected them to go home, I seriously wondered if a Disney exec had called her up on the commercial break and offered her a million dollars to throw the thing. After yelling at my television in my living room for like 10 minutes, I remembered that I work for the Internet and can make all of YOU listen to me! Who needs social equality when you have the power to force your pop culture opinions on the world mwahahhahhahahah.

Anyway, I love these kids and I'm really confused about what went wrong here. Maybe Simon and LA Reid were never 13-year-old girls, but you think they'd be clued in to what such an influential demographic responds to. And I actually went back in time to check in with 13-year-old me, so you can trust me when I say she's into this. Does anyone out there own a record label?