A Guy Recaps Lady TV: "Say Yes to the Dress"

In which Noah is flummoxed by sweetheart necklines, the "Wow Factor," and, of course, Randy.

Jan 31, 2012 at 5:00pm | Leave a comment

This is the fourth installment of A Guy Recaps Lady TV in which Noah Garfinkel-- a guy who mostly watches CNN and the History Channel -- watches a lone episode of a television program geared toward women and recaps it. Here, Noah takes in a random episode of the Lifetime Channel reality series*, "Say Yes To The Dress.”

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I had never even heard of "Say Yes To The Dress" before I started doing this series of recaps. But ever since I did the first article about "The Bold and The Beautiful," many commenters have sort of demanded I cover it.

"Say Yes to the Dress" sounds like it's going to be a show about women who don't like their fiancés, but are instead getting married just for the fancy dress. And that sounds sad. I hope it isn't (but kind of hope it is!) about that.

Let's now begin a season four episode entitled "Plan B" that I chose at random. The show starts off with a voiceover explaining that this episode will focus on brides who had a dress picked out, but then decided they didn't like it. Who hasn't been THERE before, right felllllaaaaas?!

Fellas: You know it!!!

The first contestant we see is... wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. Are these actually contestants? Can they win something? Like, if they're the best bride, do they get to wear the dress and not have to marry the fiancé they don't like? Whatever. We'll refrain from calling them contestants for now and just go with calling each person a “person.”

The first person we see is Sarah Carr.

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We learn that she had bought a dress almost a year before her wedding date and then decided she didn't like it. She arrives at a bridal shop with her future mother-in-law, Linda, her really good friends, Stephanie and Amy, and her future brother-in-law, Justin. I'd be curious to see a reality show about why the fuck none of her actual family showed up to help her shop for a dress.

Keisha, a wedding dress consultant, asks Sarah how she'd like to look on her wedding day. She answers, “Definitely glamorous... for me... it's like Jaws hit the ground.” I mean, she probably wasn't capitalizing “Jaws” in her mind, but it's much more fun to think that, instead of imagining people with mouths agape, she was imagining this:

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"Her dress is so glamorous!"

Right? Then we meet Meghan who has shown up to try on her dress, but this is NOT the dress she picked out.

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The dress she picked out has a sweetheart neckline! And this dress doesn't have a sweetheart neckline! What is a sweetheart neckline?! Is it a neckline that makes a dress not look like a hotel maid's outfit? If so, yeah, totally, that is not a sweetheart neckline.

Her consultant lady, Vera, says that the dress Meghan picked out never had a sweetheart neckline, but Meghan is positive it did. You cannot even begin to imagine the number of times “sweetheart neckline” gets said in a 90-second time period.

OK. Back to the Sarah Carr story line. Keisha gets a guy named Randy to help her find Sarah’s perfect dress.

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Keisha explains to Randy how Sarah had already bought a dress and didn't like it. Randy responds by exclaiming “She already had a dress?!” He is shocked. And it's very weird for me that he is shocked by this because this is actually the only thing in the whole show that has made any sense to me whatsoever. He's not shocked that people spend over $5,000 on a wedding dress, and he's not shocked that people get fitted for those dresses for months in a row, but he's somehow shocked that a person could buy an article of clothing and then decide they don't like it? That's the only way I buy clothes!

Anyway, they find a dress for Sarah, and she tries it on.

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I know I can be a sarcastic dick in these things for 95% of the time, but I genuinely think she looks great. Good job, everyone! Does she get immunity now?

Her future brother-in-law, Justin, says he loves it. “Look at the boobs here!” he says like a guy who is not actually into boobs at all.

Immediately after that, they cut in a testimonial interview clip where Sarah says, “Justin is great. Justin is a straight shooter.” Hahaha, okay!

We then meet Kelly Koreyva who is being helped out by a new consultant, Jessica. Kelly has already found three dresses at another place, but wants to see a few more before she makes a decision. She is with her mom, a family friend named Mary Kay, and another friend named Renee who does not spell her name “Renee.”

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Kelly then tries on a dress that nobody likes. Mary Kay says, “You gotta be kidding me, Kelly!” and it is the best one-and-a-half seconds of the entire show. I watched that part about 30 times.

We then return to Meghan who is still saying “sweetheart neckline” over and over again. Vera eventually realizes that the dress Meghan had originally picked out did have a sweetheart neckline, but she doesn't apologize because she is a jerk. Meghan has to come back another day for another fitting.

We're then back to Sarah who is trying on another dress. No, Sarah! Why?! Everyone was so pumped about the first one! But this one, she says, has a “wow” factor.

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And by "wow" she means "so, so much cleavage." This dress has a so, so much cleavage factor. Now, I'm all for cleavage. Really. I'm all for it. Every bit of me yearns for it every day, every day. But, girlfrieeeeeeeend, this is for yo weddin' day. Let yo boo see it a little later, know what I'm sayin'?

Fellas: Listen to him, girl!

She shows the dress to her not-really-family. Straight-Shooter-Yeah-Sure-Justin then hits a home run. He says, “This one is, like, pretty, but the other one was so subtle and brought out what was good in you.” Fuck YEAH, Justin! Is he winning now? Can we get this guy voted onto an island? Sarah decides to go with the first dress.

We return to Kelly who tries on more dresses that nobody likes, but also, nobody says anything as awesome as “You gotta be kiddin' me, Kelly,” so we're SKIPPING it.

I am so bored of watching people try on dresses.

By now, I'm also pretty sure now that there's no winner or anything. It appears there is no contest whatsoever. It's just people, trying on dresses! This is basically just like going shopping with your mom when you were a kid, but with strangers who aren't even going to get you frozen yogurt if you're good.

Eventually Kelly and her family leave and decide that they liked the dresses at the place they went before better. But before we leave them, remember this?

Man, that was awesome.

After Kelly dies or whatever, we're back to Meghan who is happy that now she has a sweetheart neckline, even though I'm pretty sure the dress looks exactly the same?

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I still have no idea what a sweetheart neckline is. Maybe if they say “sweetheart neckline” 14 more times, I'll figure it out. Annnnnnnd, nope. They said it 14 more times and I've still learned nothing. At least her dress doesn't look like an unflattering white frying pan just kidding that's exactly what it looks like. But she's happy with it, and that's what matters. You with me on this one, fellas?!

Fellas: Right!

Then they show a few clips from each not-contestant's wedding, and that's... the whole show.

What the fuck did I just watch here? Is this really a whole show where you just watch women try on clothes? I think it is!

I'm not sure what you people are getting out of this, but God bless the whole world for this episode having only 21 minutes of content. Say No To This Show.

*[Ed. Note ]