Dear Men: Please Stop Distributing Cell-Phone Pictures of Your Junk

Think about it, bros: Is antagonizing a lady with your penis the best way to impress your charms upon her?

Jun 3, 2011 at 11:02am | Leave a comment

image

I’m sorry to do this to you boys. I really am. But someone has to tell you, lest this troubling behavior persist. I refer, of course, to the growing practice of taking pictures of your cocks, and sending them off to parties who may not be pleased to see them.

I feel comfortable representing for a certain majority of ladies when I assert that merely witnessing your junk in a grainy cell-phone reproduction does not instantly set us aflame with desire. Call me a cynic, but in my case, even a bulging package wrapped in clothing just inspires closer inspection to determine whether it’s a rolled-up pair of socks or the genuine article.

(Exception: the many red-carpet pictures of ardent commando Jon Hamm, which are OBVIOUSLY NOT FAKED. I dig Jon Hamm for sure, but seeing his happy Hammster lovingly draped in Armani gabardine is beyond my capacity to bear. I can’t look right at it, but I can’t look anywhere else.)

I know you gentlemen like to think of your peener as a sword or a hammer or a battering ram, and in certain circumstances between consenting adults, these are believeable little fictions. But really, most of the time penises are floppy and awkward and not especially compelling all on their own.

When it’s just hanging around between your legs with nothing to do? Your ween is not a work of art. Ladies do not tremble and weep at its majesty. I'd much rather look at a cute pair of shoes than a strange peener.

Maybe you feel differently; maybe you see your dick as a masterpiece rivaling anything Michaelangelo might have wrought. I am impressed with your excellent body image and self-esteem. Many dudes take pride in their penises on a level with new moms and their tiny offspring; they expect that everyone will want to visit with the little bugger. But do not assume that all women, especially strange women you do not know, will be impressed by the sight of your mighty flesh-cudgel.

And it’s bad enough when you dudes send cock pictures to women you actually like; it’s way creepier when you take the Brett Favre approach and send the pictures to a woman with whom your relationship is tense at best. Think about it, bros: Is antagonizing a lady with your penis the best way to impress your charms upon her? I mean, do you actually know any women?

If all we wanted was a directable ween, we could go buy one in a store (as many of us do, and no, it is not a “replacement” for you, just sometimes we want an orgasm without a whole dude attached to it, and also you are not purple and glittery).

I ain’t saying we have to be in looooove with you. I’m just saying the person to whom the penis is attached is usually what makes that particular penis an interesting prospect. Penises are a means to an end, a tool in a larger project. A hammer can help you build a beautiful house, but you’re not going to effusively credit the hammer with the work once the construction's finished. You’re going to credit the person doing all the pounding. So unless you are quite sure the recipient of your beefy bounty is into such images from you, lay off the junk pictures, okay?

Or if you must be a show-off, take a page from Jon Hamm and be more subtle about it. Preserve the freaking mystery, dudes.