No, Brian McKnight, I Am Not "Ready to Learn" From You

What's really making me want to rip off his goddamned eyelids is the idea that he is going to show ME how MY pussy works.

I haven't thought about Brian McKnight since the song from "Spacejam" was a hit. Wait, that wasn’t him. (Google break.)

Ohhhhhh, Brian McKnight. THIS Brian McKnight:Remember? You swayed awkwardly and alone to it at the 8th-grade dance, nauseous and wearing a lot of Wet N' Wild white eyeliner. Not you, me.

The song takes us through the “steps” to falling in love with someone, which aren’t actually steps but vaguely pleasant compliments: One -- You’re like a dream come true. Two -- Just wanna be with you. Three -- Oh girl, it’s plain to see that you’re the only one for me. Four -- Repeat steps one through three (wait, what?) Five -- Make you fall in love with me. If ever I believe my work is done, then I start back at one.Sure, he's got a good voice. It is pleasant to hear his vocal riffs over the speakers while I wait for my prescription to be ready at Walgreens, if not particulary innovative or inspiring.

I'm not here to hate on BMK just because he's not a modern-day Otis Redding. (Though, if you ever decide you want to do me in the biblical sense, play some Otis, because holy christ...) I am here to hate on BMK for his recent reappearance into our consciousness with this offensive, idiotic garbage, entitled, "iFUreadytoLearn" :(Do not continue reading until you have listened to this song.)OK. We should probably be thankful. I don't know about you walking vulvas, but I can't tell you the hours I've spent poring over those IMPOSSIBLE-to-understand pussy instruction manuals! Sweating over the diagrams only to realize that I've been holding them upside down! The Ikea tools I have DESTROYED trying to get the damn thing to turn on! (You're welcome for that visual.)

All that time wasted that I could have been spending BRINGING IT TO BRIAN MCKNIGHT FIRST! He would have solved everything!

Is this a joke? Please? I mean I love complaining, but I really hope this is a joke. For humanity's sake.The implication that BMK is a skilled Vaginal Warrior in comparison to other men isn’t the terrible part -- it's conceited, but sure man, maybe you know your stuff. What's really making me want to rip off his goddamned eyelids is the idea that he is going to show ME how MY pussy works: “I did my post grad in some c-ology, so what I tell you might seem strange. But things you don’t know about your physiology -- you don’t have to be ashamed. Let me show you how your pussy works, since you didn’t bring it to me first -- I have lots of things to show you, if you’re ready to learn.”It's awesome that at the ripe old age of "culturally irrelevant," BMK is confident that he grasps the finer points of pleasing a woman -- he has awarded himself with a PHD in female orgasms. But sorry Dr. Clam, I nailed that curriculum before I hit double digits, when my mom walked in on me with my feet up on the headboard.

(I am almost 29 years old, live alone, and will still probably be grounded when my mother reads this article. If you don't hear from me for a while, I've lost my Internet privileges.)I do think that the men who actually give a damn about your experience in bed deserve a hand -- there are certainly a lot who don't. In general those are the ones with the highest "number," on account of a lack of repeat business. (No one goes back for seconds on cold soup, after all.)

So kudos to the men out there practicing Dan Savage's 3 G's (giving, getting, and game.) However, just like my now "Savant" handjob skills (not my words) were developed by watching the men I was intimate with show me the what-for, I'm pretty sure most men who master the complicated world of the vagina have a woman to thank. And I still think handjobs are silly, since men are so much better at it than we are.BMK bragging about knowing how to get me off is like me showing off my "High-kus" (private book under my couch cushions) to Salman Rushdie. That's not to say I don't think my THC-inspired, 5-7-5 poetry is delightful. I mean:Angel of the Sea/ Bumpy Forehead I love You/ Great Beluga Whale!...But I'm not gonna tell Mr. Rushdie that he could learn a thing or two from me, either.

Quit being cocky, BMK!

Pleasing someone else sexually is a communication game of sensory deprivation. You have an orgasmic blindfold on when you're trying to bring someone else to climax, and no matter how in sync you are, you still can't feel what they feel. The personal nuances of masturbation are developed expertly over time, so this is all normal. No need to pretend you know my body better than me -- it's sexier if you tell me you WANT to know. Let me show you how my pussy works.

EDIT: I'd like to add that some readers have commented that this is a joke -- I'm skeptical. It seems much more likely that this was a publicity stunt, and when the reaction was negative, BMK's assumed team of PR reps decided to spin it as a hoax. Even the intention was a joke, though, let's not forget that artists have a responsibility to stand behind their work - it's still pretty off-color and offensive, particularly lyrics such as "...Bet you didn't know that it could squirt." I mean, gross.