BIG NEWS DAY: Kristen Stewart cheats on Robert Pattinson, the Family Jackson re-enact a scene from the Archers

Just like buses, you wait all week for a juicy celebrity story and then two come along at once

It seems like a million years ago that I was mooting the possibility that Katie Price had syphilis. Since then it’s all kicked off in Hollywood.

I guess the big news story of the day involves a certain vampire-bothering actress apologising to her boyfriend for getting off with a married man in a car.

This came as a massive shock to everyone, because just a few weeks ago Kristen and Rob were spotted loitering outside a branch of H Samuels together. WHICH CLEARLY MEANT THEY WERE ABOUT TO GET MARRIED.

Anyway, I think everyone else in the entire history of the internet has the Kristen Stewart Robert Pattinson Cheating SCANDAL covered, so instead lets move on to all the crazy dramas going down in the Jackson household.

Even with my Daily Mail cheat sheet, I'm totally lost

I’m really finding it hard to work out exactly what the hell is going on, even using my Daily Mail cheat sheet. But as far as I can tell, Janet, Jermaine and Randy are trying to take Michael Jackson’s three children away from their mother Katherine, who is under the influence of forces of hell, or something.

Meanwhile, Tito was all Team Janet, but has since changed his mind, Marlon is gutted because he can’t speak to his mother, and La Toya and Jackie are staying the hell out of it.

There’s also another daughter called Rebbie, but I’ve never heard of her so lets leave her out of this one.

And no, I don’t know what they’re all fighting about, because no-one will actually explain it properly (even the Daily Mail are a bit…vague), but Michael Jackson’s daughter Paris was definitely called a ‘spoilt little bitch’ by her Aunty Janet, at which Paris got all ‘oh no you di’nt’ on Twitter.

Janet and Randy Jackson - Brothers in erm arms? Christ do they have guns?

And aside from that, it's essentially all about money – they all want Michael Jacksons squillion dollar fortune sorry that's all I can actually work out.

It all feels like a play written by the over-zealous director of an amateur dramatics group in the Home Counties. There are too many characters, the plot’s dragging and no-one’s entirely sure what the moral of the story is. Any ideas?