Watching TV With Annie: My Short-Lived Obsession With "America's Got Talent"

NBC has hipsters all figured out. Almost.
Publish date:
August 12, 2013
television, shows, America's Got Talent, Heidi Klum, Nokia, M

(When I should be writing beauty stuff.)

I have a hard time imagining that Nick Cannon grew up wanting to be a talent show host. Then as I type this I realize that no, that’s not hard to imagine at all.

America’s Got Talent, if you’re not familiar, is a talent show with all the awkwardness of the one you were in in elementary school -- no, junior high, complete with what I'm imagining is a lot of nervous farting and erections, but with full-grown adults making up a large portion of the contestants.

Howard Stern, Heidi Klum, Scary Spice and Howie Mandel (of Deal or No Deal fame) are the judges. Howie is the token hypochondriac—I actually find it quite edgy that the show has a token hypochondriac. I wish I could elaborate on this but that’s pretty much where my thought process ends on the topic.

I’m hating every minute of this. I’ll explain:

I’ve literally ALWAYS been an asshole. For real—kindergarten? Total asshole. Third grade I called my best friend a slut for cutting me in line. It made her cry. I said I was sorry and it was a just a word that a six grade girl said one time and I don’t even really know what it means. I was a travel-size douchebag. Looking back though, it was kind of a slutty thing to do.

Lately, I’ve caught myself morphing into a “Oh I found it first” HIPSTER asshole. A more niche asshole, if you will. While I’m no longer very combative and generally more pleasant to be around, I KNOW MORE DIFFERENT AND JUST MORE THINGS IN GENERAL THAN YOU. And, as a rule, hipsters DO NOT watch America's Got Talent because it is does not meet the criteria of being more different than other things that exist.

NOT IMPRESSED WITH SNAKE DUDE. He looks like a boner and also I think that’s abuse what he’s doing to that cobra. NO! IS HEIDI KLUM THROWING OUT SNAKE FACTS? It was apparently inaccurate. "Cobras can’t jump," says Boner.

You never see old vintage photos of Heidi on Instagram but Cindy Crawford's all over the place. What gives? I know. It’s because when you Google "90’s Heidi Klum," JOE DIRT IS THERE TO DRY UP ANY PANTY MOISTNESS.

Heidi's big break, I think, was a bit too late to make the 90's icon cut? She's getting PAID now, though, that's fersure.

Back to the show -- she did, earlier, have some valid points. For instance, she was all, “Your act was alright, but I feel like you had the hot chick just dance around to distract us while you pretend to do magic.” Or something of that effect to a magician, who are all apparently now known as "illusionists," which is basically just them conceding to the fact that magic doesn't exist which kind of bums me out, honestly.

But her observation was actually what I was thinking the whole time, so if you’re going to call her a dumb blonde German supermodel, then, hell, I guess that I AM ALSO a dumb blonde German supermodel.

OK, four Nokia Lumia commercials have gotten me so far. One, probably because it appeals to hipster assholes (this chick zoomed in at a concert and Instagrammed about it like she was all front row. All I could think was “UGH SUCH A DOUCHE.”)

*Holy shit* I just realized, after this enlightening AGT contestant intro reel, that pop backup singers (like live backup singers—the ones that are always REALLY FUCKING HOT) are probably lip-synching. America’s Got Talent is telling me that perfection like a Nasty Gal model that CAN SING doesn’t actually exist, and that makes me literally cum with joy. Well, at least they don’t exist in such a huge number as to have enough to perform for all morning shows simultaneously. 2x2x2x2… 16 is way too many for me to accept their existence.

America’s Got Talent is GIVING ME THE WILL TO LIVE. Ugh, I hate this.

Back to the Nokia Lumia commercial. It’s marketed to be all about the photo, which, as much as my tight hipster asshole doesn’t want to admit, I can identify with. I’m supposed to Instagram TWICE A DAY for Vain. AND THEY CAN’T ALL BE SELFIES **throws phone** (**on pillow**)

Is it time that hipsters MOVE ON FROM THE IPHONE? AGT is RICH with thought-provoking social issues.

**sighs** I did, actually, attempt to zoom in at the Ty concert. It was too grainy.

OK, bravo, clap clap clap, NBC. You’ve cracked the code and can appeal to a hipster—although now I’m questioning my status as I don’t think a true hipster would ever be okay with being called a hipster **cough, cough** like the dude I fuck **cough**. Although being self-aware right now is super hip.

HIPSTERs are now so mainstream that NOKIA is pouring money into huge ad campaigns on AMERICA’S GOT TALENT to get us, which I am willingly still watching, although I can’t even with that dog chick. BUT NEITHER CAN SCARY SPICE. FECK, good move, AGT. This show knows me too well.

Fatal flaw: I don’t connect with the AGT characters. I don’t care about any of the “talent,” and Josephine de la Baume isn’t a host so I really don’t see myself coming back to catch the next episode. The show did have me long enough to blast me with those four Nokia commercials, so at least they’re doing right by their advertisers.

So I'm left wondering: has anybody tried this phone and does it have the potential to be so disgustingly, amazingly tacky yet chock-full of functionality, like the Paris Hilton Sidekick?

(Again, xoVain is where I mostly work.)