25 Things That Make Me So Happy I Want To Pee My Pants

Since one of our friends here at xoJane is having a Bad Week, I'm starting the list anew, and hoping you all will deign to contribute.
Publish date:
April 4, 2013

My older sister is my best friend in the whole world. But this was not always the case, particularly in high school, when we regularly got into fights that ended up with stuff being thrown at my head.

This was the case for a lot of siblings, I know. But I think in our case, it was mostly because my sister was not a happy teenager. When we hang out now, sometimes, over one of our cherished 8,000 pinot grigio dinners, we talk about whether or not this was due to depression, or the fact that she was determined to take every single AP class and be the lead in every school play, or whether or not she was just a big huge mega bitch. Depends how I'm feeling. And how much of the 'greej I've been into.

Regardless, when we were probably 14 and 16, I discovered a document she'd written on our family's ancient beige PC entitled "25 Things That Make Me So Happy I Want to Pee My Pants." If memory serves, it was written in red comic sans, and included items like "The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill in the car with the windows down," "dogs with one ear that stays up and one that flops down," and "a hot bagel with cold cream cheese."

The purpose of this list, ostensibly, was to remind her that there were many, nay, infinite things that she loved in the world. This, from a person whose idea of civility was waiting until 9 AM to punch me in the head for the first time in the day.

Of course I was shocked. One, because I didn't know my sister was what I would have referred to at the time as "a huge gaylord*," but two, I didn't know she was capable of happiness, let alone incontinence-inducing joy. It surprised me and delighted me and sort of weirded me out, especially since I mostly used my computer to download dirty JPEGs from America Online and write "X-Files" fan fiction.

But, in all honesty, it changed my relationship with my sister. And to this day, occasionally, she and I will still text each other things we want to add to the list, like, as I said, huge gaylords**.

Since one of our friends here at xoJane is having a Bad Week, I'm starting the list anew, and hoping you all will deign to contribute.

In no particular order, 25+ things that make me so happy I'd like to piss myself, which are accessible to you right now. Or something.

Shelley Long movies

Funnel cake smell

Dancing to David Bowie's "Changes"

Videos of pigs running

Jennifer Connelly's eyebrows

Movies where there's a huge shootout and somebody shoots one of those, like, big fucking aquariums

Heated towel racks

Geriatric pugs

Looking at my "most recently used" emoji

How good your eyebrows look right after you wax them

The "Anne of Green Gables" miniseries even though I cry like a puss when Matthew dies

Crying like a pussy when Matthew dies

The fact that fajitas are always served on sizzling platter, ALWAYS

Old ladies with their hair dyed crazy colors because they DGAF

That first day in the spring where all the hot girls are wearing sun dresses

Fresh mint

When you get to a restaurant and you're STARVING and they bring bread and it's gooooood



"Sister Act"


Shower radios

Group texting with your best friends when one of them is asleep

Old people who own antique stores because they've always wanted to own an antique store

News photographs of newly gay married couples kissing

Russian accents

The fact that there is a British MP named Ed Balls

Grilled cheese sandwiches

Captain Picard

James Spader

Peter Dinklage


San Francisco

Terrible magicians


"The X-Files"



Beach houses

Beach house

Anything and everything about or involving Frida Kahlo

That thing where Christopher Walken is in on the joke of how awesome Christopher Walken is

Sexy fat women in sexy bikinis

Guys with pretty eyelashes

Fuck, I'll say it: "The Phantom of the Opera" soundtrack

The fact that artificial watermelon tastes and smells nothing like real watermelon but we all just kind of go with it

Lorrie Moore

Emma Stone

Emily McCombs

Ed Balls

New panties

When you have sex with a guy and right afterwards he's like, "Are you hungry?"

Karaoking anything by the Cranberries

The Cranberries

When the Cranberries are on my shower radio

Jelly shoes

High dives

Dip cones

"Broadcast News"



Now you go. GO.

*I'm grownup now and know that this is bad to say. But you know what else makes me happy? The idea of actual gay lords. They exist, I'm sure of it. Anyhow, Ed Balls.