The Womanly (And Manly!) Art Of Housekeeping Or: Your Place is a Dump, 6 Ways to Clean That Sh*t up!

Some girls get swoony over diamonds or $150 La Perla panties. I like those things, but nothing makes my heart beat faster than a fresh box of Mr. Clean Magic Eraser
Publish date:
August 12, 2011
home, cleaning, cleaning tips

I get gooey over cleaning products. And cleaning appliances.

I wasn't always this way. Truth be told, up until I was in my late 20s, I was sort of a slob. I never understood the joys of a well-scrubbed sink or an immaculate cooktop until I met my husband.

He is an insane meticulous TYPE A compulsive clean freak. And he has rubbed off on me. Him and his scrubbing bubbles and $8 Caldrea scouring powder. Now I can't function when my house is dirty. Messy doesn't freak me out -- I like piles of books and artfully arranged candles and magazines and faux taxidermy. Dirty as in unwiped counters, crumbs on the floor, dishes in the sink.

Now, I know, I know, you don't want to clean. You want to watch DVR'd episodes of "Modern Family" and paint your toenails with black shatter and probably go get some pad Thai. And nap.

But first we are going to clean your house, because, let's face it, it's a pit. I love you, but it's a pit. The following is better done with a friend, partner, spouse, lover, roommate or kids. If you have none of the above and are on your own you still have to do it.

So unless, like me, you are a cleaning expert who feels that the Williams Sonoma products section is porn, please make use of some of my favorite cleaning tips.

1. You need jams.

May I suggest some gangsta' rap? I always clean house to hardcore rap. I have decided that most rap is about housecleaning. You just need to switch up the lyrics a bit.

Sweepin' the mud shit

Moppin' on flood shit

OG housework lyrical blood shit...

2. Make your damn bed.

I don't care how many pillows you have, this job takes less than three minutes. And makes a huge difference in how you feel. No matter how suckass your day is, you will feel better when you crawl into a nicely made bed at the end of your day. And you are a pretty, pretty princess. You deserve a comfy, pretty bed.

I love Caldrea's linen spray in Basil Blue Sage to make my bed smell extra yummy, so I usually spray my bed after I make it.

3. Grab a laundry basket, plastic bin, garbage bag.

Grab anything that can hold junk. When you start dusting (which you will do next) and are going from room-to-room, grab anything that isn't in its home and throw it in your bin. How did your bra end up in the kitchen anyway? Why are your kitten heels under the coffee table? Does the remote control live in the laundry room? No, it does not! Put these stray items back in their proper homes as you go room to room.

4. Dust it, baby!

I'll confess to having a duster collection. A few normal feather dusters, a book brush, and a long handled, angled duster that looks like this.

I use this guy on my ceiling fans, ceilings and corners. So whether you use a traditional duster or an old T-shirt, dust your junk. Lamps, books, art. Wipe your counters down. Because you sprayed them earlier you won't have to scrub a ton!

5. Now you get to vacuum.

I love vacuuming and find it terribly relaxing. It also helps that THIS is my vacuum. Don't hate. This is my baby. I love this vacuum. I have owned Kirbys, Dysons, Electroluxes. But this vacuum is the Dom Perignon White Gold Jeroboam of vacuums. It runs about $899 but it is worth every penny. It is lightweight, has a retractable cord, awesome attachments, a HEPA filter and sucks like a pornstar.

This model can be used on hard floors and carpets. I know at $350 and up it seems like a lot of money to spend on a vacuum, but I'm one of those girls who hates buying a new vacuum every one-two years. I'd rather buy quality once then junk 10 times. A Miele will change your life.

6. Throw shit out.

One of the best cleaning tips I've ever received was to try and throw away 28 items a week. I'm not talking about items you can reuse/recycle, but between credit card offers you won't use, hole-y socks, and that half avocado rotting in the back of the ' fridge, it's easy to come up with 28 things.

Do you get gaga over cleaning stuff like I do? Are you always on the hunt for ways to make your space more sparkly, cleaner, smell better? What are your favorite cleaning tips? Let's Heloise it up and swoon over microfiber cloths! And baby wipes! and lemons in the garbage disposal!