Holiday Gift Ideas For The Terrifying Evil Clown In Your Life

In my mind, the person who clicked on this has a friend with 'Send in the Clowns' always playing on repeat. Also, maybe the skeletal remains of an ex-boyfriend chilling in their conservatory. They're tough to shop for.
Publish date:
December 22, 2014
gift guide, clowns

We all have the one person in our lives who is impossible to shop for, be it for birthdays, Christmas, Kwanza, or what have you. "I'm easy," they'll say with a toss of a hand when you ask them for gift ideas. For some of you, it might be your dad, who you've given a pen to every year for close to a decade. For others, maybe it's your boss whose austere desk doesn't give you a hint -- aside from making it clear that a zen desk garden or something would so not be appreciated. Or maybe it is an evil clown.

You could go so far as to say that evil clowns are the most difficult characters to shop for of all. With that in mind, I thought I'd do you a favor, and, having just shopped for the evil clown in my life, come up with a gift guide chock full of ideas for the eerie face-painted man who stands just outside your apartment holding a balloon and staring wordlessly. In order to do this, I had to fully embody an evil clown persona. Join me:

You are an evil clown. I know, it surprised me too. But you woke up, and you looked down and your feet had grown comically large, you couldn't seem to get that red nose off, and for the life of you your arm would not stop making frantic stabbing gestures while holding a very dull kitchen knife. I'm sorry, but that's life: You're an evil clown now. Here are some presents you probably would love.

1. A Clown Knob

Use these tragic clown knobs on your dresser, or conversely, solemnly hand them over to guests who come to visit while remaining completely silent for the duration of their stay.

2. Children's Mobile

The festive orange and purple touches plus the whimsical grimace and welcoming embrace of this "clown devil" make it an ideal mobile for any family nursery.

3. Hunting Memorabilia

"Barbaric," some visitors might say. "Illegal" other kill-joys might add. Ignore them. If they can mount the heads of innocent bears and deers on their walls with pride, why should you refrain from sharing with the world this gem from your last great expedition?

4. The Mirror of Truth

Quietly, in the middle of the night, replace all of the mirrors in your home with custom funhouse mirrors. In the morning, when those with whom you reside begin to gasp and speculate as to who swapped out all of the mirrors, look at them quizzically and ask, "Don't you remember the accident? The one that caused your horrible deformities?" If they weep, spray them with a bottle of seltzer, then threaten to hit them in the face with a pie before eating the whole pie yourself and making them watch.

5. Practical Seating

This should be the only chair in your home. Whenever someone sits in it, loudly ask them, "ARE YOU A BABY?" Regardless of their answer start to loudly whine "WAHHHH WAHHHHH I'M A BABY" until they let you take a seat in the chair and leave you to your demons forever.

6. Musical Amusements

Name the denizen of this musical box Paulo. Claim that he is the cursed spirit of your lover, trapped forever in a music box. If anyone doubts you, repeatedly mount the music box until climax is reached.

7. A Butler

Stage an elegant dinner party, make a big fuss over your newest employee, Hector the butler. Once everyone has arrived, summon Hector for introductions by dumping him from a crate and rolling him into the center of the room. Laugh maniacally as the spiders start to crawl out of his mouth.

8. For The Children

When children come to visit (as they inevitably will) position them in front of this mechanical delight and urge them to ponder the abyss that comes at life's end when we all find ourselves in the chill of the grave. Be sure to also offer refreshments.

9. Lighting

Charming lamps, though not for every home. Unless you possess knowledge of how to draft the markings against cursed night wanderers, resist the temptation to buy: These two have killed before. They WILL kill again.

10. Family Portraiture

It is always important, no matter how "quirky" or "unique" you deem yourself to be, that you provide those little touches that make a house feel like a home. Festoon your walls with paintings of your mother and father. If you have no paintings of them, capture their souls (the usual way) and place inside a frame (IKEA has several options). Hang, and presto! Family.