Desperation Is a Store on eBay

A few of my favorite easy-money-fast schemes for the financially irresponsible.
Publish date:
August 4, 2011
money, finances, ebay, M

I'm broke again.

Jane pays me pretty well and everything. Maybe not as much as I deserve, but more than I've made before. I am beginning to suspect, however, that no matter how much money I make, my lifestyle will continually expand to fill the extra room.

And like I said to my mom when she informed me recently that she is "worried about my spending," I'm working on it, GAWD. No, but seriously, I am. It's just that I have so many other, more life-threatening concerns that are currently hogging every minute of my THREE (!) weekly therapy sessions.

So I overspend quite frequently, and sometimes, like this month, I push it really far and find myself penniless on the 3rd when payday is the 15th.

So my options as of now are 1) Pray to the God of freelancers that I am soon to receive a check for a forgotten but extremely lucrative writing assignment, 2) Ask my boyfriend to float me, possibly while trying to pretend it's some kind of sexy game, or 3) sell some shit on Ebay.

That's right, I've got dresser drawers busting with dollar bills, which is what my clothes start to look like when I'm this skint. Sort of like when people's heads turn into roast chickens when someone's hungry in cartoons.

So I put up some of my Stop Staring Dresses, those too-low-cut Citizens of Humanity jeans and like 5 shirts from Zara that I never even pulled the tags off of, and before you know it I'll have a small percentage of what I originally paid for these items in exchange for my hours of photographing, measuring, listing and shipping them! But, whatever, eBay is my desperation station.

But if you're not into eBay, here are 3 more of my patented easy-money-fast solutions.

1. Have a skill sale.

Aka "send an email around all your friends telling them you're overextended again and asking them if there's anything they'd pay you to do for them." Some skills you may want to offer: dog walking, babysitting, errand-runnning, nail art. You know what you're capable of. And keep the prices low, man, these are your friends, and they're probably only paying you because they feel sorry for your broke ass.

Hopefully one of them will feel so sorry for you that they'll just email you back and offer to lend you money without making you pick up their drycleaning or anything.

2. Return stuff you already bought.

Yes, I really wanted that 78-dollar stretchy T-shirt top from Topshop at the time that I bought it, but now I want dinner, and you can't eat a stretchy T-shirt top from Topshop, no matter how much cheese you put on it.

3. Craigslist

Should I just stop there? No, I think I'll say more gross stuff. There are many ways to make money on Craigslist. I'm not saying you have to touch a penis. But maybe there's an easygoing guy out there who just wants to give you a pedicure, or sniff your panties?

Or you could touch a penis.

I am not officially condoning this option. It's illegal! And dangerous -- there's killers out there. But isn't it nice to know the option is there? That it never has to come to starvation?

I wonder how successful I would be as a financial guru on the "Just have sex for money" platform? What do you do when you need money ASAP? Or does everyone else budget sensibly and avoid this problem all together?