It's basically SAW: Beauty Edition.
Well. It's finally happened. I've finally offended myself. I've finally gone too far. I'm not proud. (I'm a little proud.)
You've probably heard of the Scotch Egg, a delightful British pub snack made by boiling an egg, wrapping it in sausage meat, coating it in bread crumbs, and deep-frying it. I've always enjoyed them and the song they inspired. (Warning: the following song is not for everyone and will get stuck in your head and ruin a few friendships.)
But one precocious little family butcher in the Scottish borders wasn't satisfied with the salty snack's current form. They wanted to take it further. As Butcher Greig Foston explained to the Daily Mail: 'We always try to think up something new and exciting for the time of year - we try to get our thinking caps on.'
And think they did. What ol' Greig and company came up with would change the world. By swapping out a boring old boiled egg for the Cadbury Creme kind, they took the lowly bar food from savory to sweet (and still a bit savory).
Look. I'm a liberal-minded eater. There are few things that give me pause, especially in the fried junk food department, but even I was a little horrified at by this unholy matrimony. Sausage? With a Cadbury Creme Egg? And for Easter? If Jesus hadn't already risen from his grave, he'd probably be rolling in it.
But eventually disgust gave way to curiosity — isn't that always the way? — and I once again felt challenged. Could I make this at home, and could I make it better? Could I make it more festive?
Uh. Yes, yes, and heck yes. (Actually, there's no way for me to know if mine is "better" because I haven't tried the original, but I'm pretty happy with it.)
It turns out, a Cadbury Creme Scotch Egg is one of the easiest things you can make. Though I purchased six eggs, assuming this task would take several tries to conquer, I only ended up using two. (The second one was only to make sure the first hadn't been a fluke.)
To make my eggs a bit more festive, I got rid of the bread crumbs and used crushed Fruit Loops instead. Yes yes, I am quite disgusting, but we're already so far gone here what difference is a little (off-brand tbh) Fruit Loop going to make?
The result was a little upsetting. My husband was perhaps the most offended he's ever been by one of my "projects" and even the dogs seemed not as interested as they usually are in food. The most disturbing part of the whole experience is that I ended up eating an entire Cadbury Scotch Creme Egg. (How did this happen? I will tell you after the recipe.)
I'm pretty sure none of you want my recipe, but I'm going to give it to you anyway, because that is what I'm paid to do. You don't have to make it — you don't even have to like that I made it — but maybe, just maybe, if you open your mind and your heart and let this little fried monster in, perhaps you'll make a new friend.
Claire's Off-Brand Fruit Loop Encrusted Cadbury Creme Scotch Egg
You will need:
- A neutral, high smoke point oil (I used straight up Crisco, because I'm already going to hell.)
- Some sausage meat (I bought a pound of very generic stuff that just said "pork sausage" on it at WinCo, but feel free to play around!)
- Maple syrup
- Worcestershire sauce
- Cadbury Creme Eggs (at least one, maybe more depending on how many friends you want to terrify/maybe lose)
- One egg, beaten
- About a cup of Fruit Loops or off-brand Fruit Loops from the WinCo bulk section, coarsely crushed
- Open your windows to let any smoke out, but close the blinds so as to hide your sin.
- Preheat the frying oil to 350F in a small pot.
- Dump your sausage meat into a bowl and break it up with a fork. Drizzle some maple syrup over it (about a teaspoon) and dash on so Worcestershire sauce (also about a teaspoon). Mash it all up with a fork or your hands until everything is combined.
- Unwrap the first egg. Whisper "I'm so sorry" to it and whatever god you pray to. Tenderly wrap it in sausage, pressing it between your palms until it is more or less the shape of an egg. Try not to weep directly on the sausage egg, as it is already salty enough.
- Dip it in the egg and let the excess drip off.
- Roll that nonsense in the crushed cereal and press the sugary shards firmly into the meat.
- Let this demonic Easter treat fry in that sweet, sweet Crisco for five minutes.
- Drain on paper towels and repeat as desired.
Once the oil is blotted and your courage is summoned, cut the egg in half. You may be tempted to bite into it (hahaha probably not) but this thing is full of molten Cadbury Creme Egg filling and it's best to limit the amount of damage it's going to have on you.
I didn't really want to try this one, but I did because that's the corner I've painted myself into. I took a tentative bite, thought "well that's not so bad," and before I knew it I had eaten the entire thing and wasn't even mad about it. I actually kind of liked it. I was Joey Tribbiani, and this was my meat trifle.
Honestly, what's not to like? Easter candy? Good! Fruit Loops? Good! Sausage meat? Good.