It's basically SAW: Beauty Edition.
Besides crippling mood swings, cramps and a physical discomfort that feels like someone stuffed my skin full of cotton, lard and sheer hatred, I have serious issues with PMS. Worst of all, the sweet-salty-fatty-get-your-pork-on food needs that cause me to awaken from what feels like a rage blackout surrounded by various cartons, cellophane wrappers and processed goods. I don’t even bother with a shame spiral anymore, I just take matters into my own hands and try to keep foods on hand that can cure what ails me, and that includes various recipes for PMS Cookies.
I don’t know why I find cooking strangely soothing when I’m inclined to avoid the urge to throw people down a flight of stairs for sending me email replies that only contain the letter “K.” But the act of mixing and baking makes me happier than anything else at this time, and outside of a good workout or hair-pulling sex, these cookies and the act of making them is what saves the most lives.
These recipes are a gold mine because they’re cheap, easy and require little-to-no cooking. As in, you don’t really have to know how to cook to look like a genius when they’re done.There are also no sharp objects necessary in the making of said cookies (key for when you feel like launching things at the wall or people who irritate you) and the finished products are just so freaking satisfying.
Added bonus: You don’t even need to set foot in a grocery store to make most of these items. Your local drugstore or corner market should have all of what’s needed. I’d recommend keeping the ingredients handy because, really, do you want a game of Angry Grocery Bumper Carts when you’re already chewing painkillers like Pez? No, no you do not.
The first recipe came after a post-Halloween breakup about 10 years ago. Get yourself some break-and-bake chocolate chip cookies: Pillsbury, Toll House, whatever. Pre-heat that oven to 350 degrees, scoop the cookies out into little lumps, or feel free to make 4-5 cookies the size of the palm of your hand.
Break apart Hershey’s minis and embed the bars into the top of the cookies. This also works with M&Ms, Kit Kat bars, Snickers minis, etc. Just push them onto the top. Sprinkle just a little sea salt over the top of the cookies, then throw them in the oven for 10 minutes.
Pull them out and let them cool. If you want them super-gooey, pull them out at 9 minutes and a few seconds and bake them over aluminum foil. If you want them crispy, bake them 11 minutes on a cookie sheet. Either way, homicidal impulses will start to subside.
If you want to take it up another notch, throw them over ice cream within 5 minutes of taking them out of them oven. You may have to hold onto something stable or change your underwear. I know I do.
The second recipe is from AllRecipes and it is another beloved favorite. You need two bags of semi-sweet chocolate morsels, one bag of peanut butter morsels, 2 ½ cups of dry roasted peanuts (try almonds or other nuts if peanuts aren’t your thing or skip the nuts if you have an allergy), and 2 cups of regular salted potato chips.
I live for Ruffles, so they’re my weapon of choice. Melt the morsels together over a double boiler until the chocolate and peanut butter become liquid.
If you’re like, “Double boiler? Suck it, I have no such thing,” then throw them into a microwave-safe bowl and nuke the chips for three minutes on high and stir. Keep throwing it back into the microwave for another minute or two at a time until you achieve the desired result.
Think of someone who makes you stabby and crush the potato chips into the chocolate/peanut butter mixture. Stir. Pour the peanuts in and stir again. Use a large spoon (or your hands) to throw the cookies onto a parchment or wax paper-lined cookie sheet or plate. Throw them into the fridge for about 15 minutes or until they’re solid. Enjoy with your favorite beverage and TV that won’t make you cry. Avoid all commercials for the next hour to avoid undoing all your hard work.
The final recipe is from adapted from JustAPinch.com and it’s a recipe I can imagine my sweet Southern grandma making back in the day to keep her from backing over people with her car.
Essentially, get yourself a box of Ritz crackers, a jar of marshmallow fluff, a jar of peanut butter and a package of semi-sweet morsels. Spread peanut butter on one side of a sleeve of Ritz crackers. Spread marshmallow fluff over one side of another sleeve of Ritz crackers. Combine two sides to make a whole, repeat until you have a whole pile of goodness.
Melt the chocolate morsels (see above for instructions or make someone who owes you one to do it for you, especially if they made a joke about you being bloated,) then dip the marshmallow-peanut butter cracker sandwiches into the chocolate, coating the whole thing. Place them onto parchment or wax paper.
Repeat until they’re all coated, then stick the whole mess in the freezer for five minutes. Eat, enjoy, keep a stash in the fridge or in an airtight container marked “In Case of Emergency.” Repeat as necessary.
Do you have any favorite recipes for curing what ails you during your time of the month? Any strange food cravings? Care to share a recipe? Let’s bitch over a cookie sandwich in the comments below.