The Most Cringeworthy Lingerie You Can Buy On The Internet (But Why Would You?)

Here's that NSFW anti-boner you requested.
Publish date:
November 11, 2014
bras, lingerie, underwear, animal print, pasties, Peter Pan, zebra print, M, Glow In The Dark

A running joke in my family is that I have small boobs. It's not that funny, but since I'm literally perfect in every other way, I guess my family needs something they can rib me about.

The truth is, I've never really been too bothered by my boob size. I'm a barely B, which IMO is the perfect size as long as I never date a dude with super-big hands, you know what I mean? Also, they're perky and don't sag (which probably has more to do with being 24, but whatever) so I can go sans bra about as often as I please.

I hate bras. I hate wires, I hate straps, I hate spending money. Bras are so expensive, but the cheap ones are terrible, so you basically have to spend money. I like plunging necklines and bare shoulders, so bras don't really mesh with my vibe.

While I despise bras, I loooooove lingerie. I adore all things lacy, racy, and sexy-AF. Few things in this life bring me greater joy than slinking around my house in a sheer teddy and a silk kimono, sipping a martini, listening to some Cassie, and sending sexy emojis to my boyfriend. (Winking face, winking kissy face, pouty lips, pizza, the zodiac symbol for Cancer that looks like a 69.) Sexy lingerie makes me feel like a very grown woman. What I lack in breasts, I more than make up for in fancy underthings. (And brains, too!)

However, in all my years searching the Internet for the sexiest and best, I've realized there is a lot of terrible lingerie out there. I know I shouldn't judge other people for their sexual preferences, but sometimes I can't help but think, "Really? That's what does it for someone?" I mean, I know everybody's got their something (in the immortal words of Nikka Costa) but some of the lingerie that exists in this world is... very un-sexy.

Ready for some boner killers? I am! Let's go! (The following is obviously NSFW. Duh!)

This is one of the worst things I've ever seen in my whole life. It's, like, the "sexy" holiday lady version of Borat's man-thong. I hate it so much it makes me want to cancel Christmas because the fact that this exists means none of us deserve any sort of joy this year.

Keeping with our sexy Christmas theme, here's a slutty Santa look for you.

OK, I'm really trying not to judge, but if you're getting naughty with someone fostering a SANTA FETISH, maybe it's time to rethink your entire life. Please consider every decision you've made that led you to this place in your life -- sprawled on the bed, whispering, "I'm a little ho ho ho" while some dude jingles his bells in your general direction. Merry Christmas to all, and to all, an emotionally stunted night.

Speaking of emotionally stunted....

I really just cannot with Hot Topic because I have tween angst PTSD, but I assume it's a place where 13-year-olds still go to buy T-shirts emblazoned with photos of shitty bands so they can lie and pretend they saw them live last year before they were famous.

My feelings towards Hot Topic notwithstanding, can we talk about how sort of creepy it is to wear Peter Pan on your grown adult boobs? I mean, the whole story is about a bunch of little boys who refuse to grow up. You really want that on your nipples? I like the story as much as the next maladjusted woman, but it's beyond me why you would want this bra. Just wear a Peter Pan collar and stifle your adult feelings of ineptitude with wine and barbecue like the rest of us!

There is a time and a place for animal prints. I appreciate well thought-out leopard print. I can even get on board for some Peggy Bundy realness occasionally. Leopard and cheetah are two of my favorite prints! But, honestly? Eff zebra print. It's the tackiest. Slap zebra print on anything and I'm guaranteed to hate it. This... situation is no different.

I'm not even sure this qualifies as a bodysuit, really. All those criss-crosses and cutouts just look like little pockets for my pudge to hang out of. Mere mortals were not made for contraptions like this, unless you've got a thing for sausage casings, in which case, umm... good for you. Best of luck on your journey.

Which leads us to the wild and wacky world of PASTIES. I'll let these speak for themselves.

Wasn't that fun? Moving on...

Can you think of a better way to show your respect for our troops this Veterans Day? (I hope you can.)

Being afraid of the dark will never hold you back again! There's no denying the sex appeal of a power outage, and this little baby will light your way. Enjoy!

All right, I can't bring myself to look at anymore of this stuff. I'm losing my faith in humanity. Now, you share with me the worst lingerie you've seen. Anybody got any pasties horror stories?