The Best Genitalia-Themed Accessories for the Thinking Woman

Ke$ha recently released a line of penis-shaped necklaces and earrings. But why stop there, y'all?

Aug 15, 2013 at 4:00pm | Leave a comment

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In a tragic twist, this shirt did not make my recent move with me.

 
If you, like me, spend most of your doldrum hours in the throes of a Ke$ha-cloud, you probably already know about her new line of jewelry, which includes this memorable penis-shaped gold necklace that you can pair with matching earrings or, if you feel extra crafty, some sort of brooch.
 
I mean, by Ke$ha's standards, these are actually fairly inexpensive ways to tell the world that you never quite grew out of the impulse that fourth-grade boys have to draw dicks all over everything. In all honesty, I'm a big believer in normalizing the body, and if festooning your face with gold-plated penis renditions is the way you'd like to work toward that goal, more power to you.

But what if you're just in the mood for a little variety? Emily got us started last year with these penis leggings, but to really add some verve to your jewelry collection, check out this array of genital-themed accessories.   

Even if pieces like these aren't exactly up your alley, you have to admit that someone cared enough about the human form to lovingly render it in felt, and that's kind of awesome. Fair warning, though: you might as well consider this whole piece not safe for work. Or possibly dignity.  

Sterling Silver Vulva Earrings
 
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$29.99, Etsy.com

   
Wear to: Dinner with your parents when you're trying to subtly suggest that they should stop trying to set you up with their friends' kids. Far less dramatic than a "STAY OUT OF MY LIFE, MOM" meltdown.
Pair with: Blazer, distressed fast fashion shirt, skinny jeans, pumps, two-toned hair
Corresponding Ke$ha jam: "Blah Blah Blah"

 
Vagina Dentata Handbag
 
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$45, Etsy.com

 
Wear to: A meeting with your CEO
Pair with: Button-down, cardigan, aggressively innocent expression
Corresponding Ke$ha jam: "Dinosaur

Penis Bracelet
 
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$55, Etsy.com


Wear to: Coffee date with the girl who beat you out for valedictorian in high school
Pair with: Tiered skirt, peasant blouse, one of those weird flower crowns that people like to Photoshop onto pictures of Hugh Dancy
Corresponding Ke$ha jam: "Past Lives"  

Female Reproductive System Belt Buckle
 
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$40, Etsy.com


Wear to: Your hometown rodeo
Pair with: Thrifted flannel, Levi's, cowboy boots, a "Queer Rights are Reproductive Rights"  button 
Corresponding Ke$ha jam: "Gold Trans Am"  

"I <3 My Vagina" Cell Phone Case
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$43.95, Zazzle.com


Wear to: Little Mix concert
Pair with: Sequined...everything
Corresponding Ke$ha jam: "Stephen"   

Scrotum-Shaped Heating Pad
 
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$22, Etsy.com


Wear to: Tailgating your alma mater's Homecoming game in November
Pair with: Toque, oversized college sweatshirt, flask of bottom-shelf whiskey
Corresponding Ke$ha jam: "Grow a Pear"  
 
Penis Tongue Ring

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$3.09, eBay.com


Wear to: Nowhere. Please don't wear these as directed. Can you imagine eating anything larger than a grape while wearing these? Or kissing someone on the mouth? They are pretty cool, though, so maybe you could make them into a nose ring or convert them into thumbtacks. 
Pair with: An equal sense of horror and awe at the things birthed by this wacky, wonderful Internet world
Corresponding Ke$ha jam: "Cannibal
 
Kate is dead serious about purchasing all of these, except possibly the tongue rings. If you are, too, please let her know: @katchatters