The Best Genitalia-Themed Accessories for the Thinking Woman

Ke$ha recently released a line of penis-shaped necklaces and earrings. But why stop there, y'all?
Publish date:
August 15, 2013
dicks, shoppables, accessories, fashion, vaginas, M

If you, like me, spend most of your doldrum hours in the throes of a Ke$ha-cloud, you probably already know about her new line of jewelry, which includes this memorable penis-shaped gold necklace that you can pair with matching earrings or, if you feel extra crafty, some sort of brooch.

I mean, by Ke$ha's standards, these are actually fairly inexpensive ways to tell the world that you never quite grew out of the impulse that fourth-grade boys have to draw dicks all over everything. In all honesty, I'm a big believer in normalizing the body, and if festooning your face with gold-plated penis renditions is the way you'd like to work toward that goal, more power to you.

But what if you're just in the mood for a little variety? Emily got us started last year with these penis leggings, but to really add some verve to your jewelry collection, check out this array of genital-themed accessories. Even if pieces like these aren't exactly up your alley, you have to admit that someone cared enough about the human form to lovingly render it in felt, and that's kind of awesome. Fair warning, though: you might as well consider this whole piece not safe for work. Or possibly dignity.

Sterling Silver Vulva Earrings

Wear to: Dinner with your parents when you're trying to subtly suggest that they should stop trying to set you up with their friends' kids. Far less dramatic than a "STAY OUT OF MY LIFE, MOM" meltdown. Pair with: Blazer, distressed fast fashion shirt, skinny jeans, pumps, two-toned hair Corresponding Ke$ha jam: "Blah Blah Blah" Vagina Dentata HandbagWear to: A meeting with your CEOPair with: Button-down, cardigan, aggressively innocent expressionCorresponding Ke$ha jam: "Dinosaur" Penis BraceletWear to: Coffee date with the girl who beat you out for valedictorian in high schoolPair with: Tiered skirt, peasant blouse, one of those weird flower crowns that people like to Photoshop onto pictures of Hugh DancyCorresponding Ke$ha jam: "Past Lives" Female Reproductive System Belt BuckleWear to: Your hometown rodeoPair with: Thrifted flannel, Levi's, cowboy boots, a "Queer Rights are Reproductive Rights" button Corresponding Ke$ha jam: "Gold Trans Am" "I <3 My Vagina" Cell Phone CaseWear to: Little Mix concertPair with: Sequined...everythingCorresponding Ke$ha jam: "Stephen" Scrotum-Shaped Heating PadWear to: Tailgating your alma mater's Homecoming game in NovemberPair with: Toque, oversized college sweatshirt, flask of bottom-shelf whiskeyCorresponding Ke$ha jam: "Grow a Pear"

Penis Tongue Ring

Wear to: Nowhere. Please don't wear these as directed. Can you imagine eating anything larger than a grape while wearing these? Or kissing someone on the mouth? They are pretty cool, though, so maybe you could make them into a nose ring or convert them into thumbtacks. Pair with: An equal sense of horror and awe at the things birthed by this wacky, wonderful Internet worldCorresponding Ke$ha jam: "Cannibal"

Kate is dead serious about purchasing all of these, except possibly the tongue rings. If you are, too, please let her know: @katchatters