We celebrated the rainbow last week, but now it's time to go monochromatic, baby.
A few weeks ago, the confident people over at Panache offered to change my mind about strapless bras , and also told me I could bring along one reader, which made me feel sort of like I was on one of those Survivor challenges where only one of you gets to eat the chocolate and peanut butter. HOW TO CHOOSE?
But Valeria Villarroel pulled on our heart strings with her epic comment. (And you guys liked her too, she got 14 likes and several write-in votes).
She said: "I was pretty much born with tatas. For realzies. My mother says that when she was pregnant she ate like she was having twins, and apparently, after I was born, my parents would supplement my food with these crazy horse vitamins that the Vet had prescribed for our Dog, who was basically a total weakling with heartworm and dreadfully underweight.
Why did my parents insist on this being a good idea to also give to a newborn? Beats me, but I chalk up most of what they do to the fact that they're Latin, and ergo crazy.
Long story short, this has resulted in my very nice large breasts. By the time I hit puberty at 10, I was pretty much already wearing underwires, and when I went in for a bra fitting in middle school and found out I was already a C-cup i almost burst out in tears, because I wanted to be like all the cute tiny girls in my class with little itty bitty A-Cups.
THANKFULLY, my mother has always been supportive of my having large breasts, and she made me fall in love with them and I've been blessed with having little to no health issues because of my breast size (except for the usual stretchmarks, and ok, there is that weird like extremely irritated skin that I get sometimes during a particularly sweaty summer night in which case I then have to run around bra-less and cover my chest in a whole bottle of baby powder, but I always make sure no dudes are around so they don't realize how much I really do need to wear bras all the time).
All that being said, I honestly depend on others to buy bras for me (thanks Mom!) because I can't afford a heavy-duty industrial bra that costs upwards of 65 GBP (yes, because only the British retailers seem to make bras that are both adorable and actually have support), and the cute little tiny Bralettes from Urban Outfitters wouldn't even cover my nipples (sadface). Also because I think groceries trumps bras ... also sometimes makeup.
I also avoid spaghetti straps, tube tops, because with the crappy strapless bra that I have for my 36DD (and probably bigger if I get a proper fitting) I look about 5 lbs heavier just because my breasts and stomach end up melding together into this enormous blob of round, and then that does no good for me feeling sexy and hot like all the other girls in their adorable little summer dresses and tops.
Confession: sometimes I see cute little teenage girls walking down the street near work, and they are so care-free in their little clothes, and then I wish that I had the body of a 13 year old. Then i stop myself and remember that that would be WEIRD and that having boobs are awesome (also having "feminine curves" or whatever).
But I still want to be able to enjoy being all cute and care-free like a 13-year-old, and a properly fitted strapless bra would do WONDERS for having that happen for the following reasons.
1) I could wear spaghetti straps
2) I could wear the strapless floral dress that I got on sale that I haven't worn since my cousin's wedding because I saw the photos and was HORRIFIED by the state of my breasts
3) I could get a high-quality bra! Instead of my sad little ones that start to fall apart and then I have to wait until the holidays when I see my parents so they can gift me undergarments.
4) I could get a proper bra-fitting. Where I'll probably find out that my breasts are maybe bigger than a 36DD (the size listed on the bra I'm currently wearing) and then I'll probably cry a little, but then rejoice because I'll have an amazing bra that will make my gargantuan breasts look awesome!
5) Then dudes will both stare at my breasts and my face in an equal manner and will be amazed by my awesome personality too. Please pick me Emily!"
I did pick you, Valeria! Next week, the two of us will be getting our boobies fondled by strangers, possibly with my iPhone recording video. We promise to report back for all ya'll who didn't win. Congratulation!