I'm Having Panic Attacks And I'm Into Hackers: A Fashion Post

Hackers wear cargo pants, because they have to carry cords and stuff and zip drives and knives (just in case).

Feb 19, 2013 at 5:30pm | Leave a comment

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This is me pretending to be a hacker, and trying not to vomit on Madeline. This is every day for me. 

I’m having a fucked up panic attack right now. I just want you to know that.

Working for the xoEmpire is HARD. And right now I can’t see straight. Which is so messed up. They are effing TASK MASTERS up in herr, and -- honestly -- right now I need to breathe. So, because there is nothing that makes me more uncomfortable and panicky than inactivity, I’m going to write (NOT my job but, like, whatever, right?).

OK, have you read the news recently?  Some pretty massive tweeters are getting their asses handed to them by the invisible (and in my mind, devastatingly hot) hacker people. I have a major boner for hackers. Which is really, like, dangerous to say on the Internet for a variety of reasons. I mean, I generally get frisky whenever something subversive happens, but god DAMN hackers these days are getting GOOD. Way 2 go guys. You are on a tear with your LULz or whatever. Between George W. Bush, Burger King, and right now Jeep, y'all are seriously mushroom tapping the Internet. I applaud you. 

I can’t even see straight, I’m not sure I’m even typing this right now. Is this the Matrix?

OK, here is some hypothetical hacker fashion that you can wear when you are hacking into the xoJane Twitter (please don’t do that, PLEASE).

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Oops. Cargo shorts and Crocs. That's my life now. 

Dude, in my (slightly off-center right now) brain, hackers wear cargo pants. They just do. They have to carry cords and stuff and zip drives and knives (just in case), so they wear cargo pants. Also, dare I say that really cool cargo pants may be coming back into style? I’m just saying, don’t like CRUCIFY me or anything, but yeah, just a thought.

Also, they wear motorcycle boots. Obviously. Because they have to hop on their Kawasaki real fast when the fuzz shows up to fuck with their tricked-out Alienware homes. 

You also need to know that hackers (in my mind) don’t really care about fashion because they are too busy taking down THE MAN through their wires. So they still have the luxury to wear novelty tees. (Note: If you have brain space to give a fuck about fashion, you are not allowed to; hackers are excused because they are smart and awesome.)

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I mean, it is pretty obvious how much of a n00b I am. 

OK, real talk, though. I like the IDEA of hackers for sure. They are theoretically cool and grungy and they fuck with the man. But whenever I read articles about hackers, I’m always turned off by the faint, unexpected odor of racism and misogyny. Not everything, by any means.

I can respect hackers and what they do. I just don’t like straight-up HATE in any situation. It makes me sad. I love seeing them take down corporate Twitter accounts though.

OK. Sorry, guys, I think my brain has restored itself. I have rebooted and now I have to return every single freelancer's email. Oh, and by the way, in the time it took me to write this article, Jeep has returned its Twitter to its normal corporate existence. That is how fast I punch these suckers out. Which is why they keep letting me write. 

Goodbye, friends. Keep loving the internet. Follow me on Twitter. Please, if you are a hacker, leave me alone.

UPDATE: In the time it took to get distracted and start talking to Dan R. from Read Write, he informed me that BET and MTV Twitters just got hacked as well. They are now pitted against each other. Or something -- either way Dan was NOT IMPRESSED by how obviously turned on I was by hackers. 

UPDATE #2: The MTV and BET thing was just a weird joke. Like, the man was hacking themselves or something. I honestly don't know how I feel about this.