Hey Huge Breasted Girls, It Is Our Swimsuit Season

This time of year, everybody is trying to unload all of their swim inventory. Which is when we pounce.

Sep 14, 2011 at 10:00am | Leave a comment

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I have freakish monster breasts. I have no idea what size they actually are,  because every time I get measured at a department store or boutique somebody exhorted me to visit, I get everything from "You're just over a DD" to "You're a perfect H-cup" to "You are a rare bespoke size that roughly equals two cloth woks" and a band size that fluctuates like Arcade Fire's (timely Cool Dad joke).

Old ladies in half-moon glasses love to get out a tape measure and recite random numbers and letters like they're playing crazy titty Battleship. I'm on to you, old ladies!

If you also have a set of Deathstars, you know that anything cute and big practically costs a left boob. This means that bathing suits, which are already reeeeeally motherfucking expensive, are even more motherfucking expensive. And unlike the Normies, who can just cartwheel their gymnast buds into any old mall, we usually have to roll the dice and online shop and buy something crazy expensive.

Except this time of year, when everybody is trying to unload all of their swim inventory. Which is when we pounce. Because of the size of our boobs, this creates a small earthquake. 

And yes, you can probably also find regular swimsuits here if you are not a large-breasted person, but I like to think of this as our time.

Here are a couple of my tips for tig ol' bargains.

Shop Final Sales.
Middle-of-the-row retailers often have extended-sizes, but the tops either fit great, or they barely cover me with any decency and offer zero support (Hey, swimsuit manufacturers -- stop making all DD+ suits halter-topped. It's like wearing a pillory made out of my own tits.)

Stuff from the cheaper places are also either suprisingly OK in quality or will disintegrate in your hands. So I hate buying without being able to try them on, unless they literally cost six bucks. Which they do. Right now. Go buy some. I bought three.
Try:
J. Crew Final Sale
Gap / Old Navy
ASOS

Mix and Match Cheap and Expensive
Mixing bikini separates, unlike mixing lacy La Perla panties with my favorite pilly cotton memaw minimizer, looks cute and purposeful. Higher-end department stores and pricy extended-size places have craaaaaazy discounts right now. So you can get Norma Kamali bottoms or a cute polka-dotted brief for half off for a bigger top that actually fits.
Try:
Nieman Marcus

Big Girl Bras
Bare Necessities

Faux Thrift
For some reason, all of those vintage reproduction sites that are normally wildly expensive have really breast-friendly one-pieces. I got a maillot on sale at Modcloth, and while I admittedly have some monster cleavage in it, it's a good hang-out-by-the-pool-with-no-intention-of-swimming suit.

They also tend to have good mixy-matchy separates with bigger cups, so you can get a E top and a small bottom or an C top and a 2X bottom. Freedom, Americans.Try:
Modcloth
Unique Vintage
Popina

Go to Europe
I'm not sure if women in England are generally more stacked or if they're just more into hooter preparedness, but they sure have a better selection. The conversion rate is not really in our favor, since the pound is strong (heh), so it helps that this time of year, a lot of the inventory is half off. Keep calm and knockers on.
Try:
Bravissimo
Figleaves
Fifty Plus