FATshion: Four Dresses for Disguising Yourself as Home Decor

I can't be the only one who sometimes fantasizes about how I’d escape my house should it be captured by zombies or Vikings or secret government agents.

May 10, 2012 at 5:00pm | Leave a comment

How often has this happened to you: You’re sitting in your retromodern suburban home watching the soaps, when suddenly a team of secret government agents surrounds the building. 

Oh crap, you realize, they’re after those nuclear submarine plans I stole last week and haven’t had a chance to deliver to the highest-bidding cat-stroking swank-underground-headquarters-buried-under-a-volcano-on-a-tropical-island-having supervillian yet! WHAT DO YOU DO?

Trapped in the living room, you hear your enemies’ careful approach. Changing quickly, you blend into the quirky pink and yellow wallpaper just in time.

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ASOS Skater Dress in Pretty Wallpaper Print, $60.88, Sizes 14-22

You need to get past them, to the kitchen, the nearest exit, your best hope for escape. Yes! Disguise yourself as a doily on the end table nearest the hall! (Grab the submarine plans from the drawer while you’re there.)

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Style369 Ivory Lace Prom Dress, $129, Sizes 14-26

OK, you’ve made it to the kitchen, but it’s full of creepy government dudes in sunglasses with their hands to their ears. Be the tablecloth, before they notice you!

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ASOS Curve Exclusive Sundress in Gingham, $48, Sizes 14-22

You are but a few steps from the open window, however your next move must be precise. This is not the time to act rashly, because if you are seen passing through the window then it’s all over for you anyway. Oh, excellent, the café curtains. You will be safe there.

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eShakti Dotted Blues Dress, $69, Sizes 0-26 and custom

YOU HAVE ESCAPED! And you’ve even got some cute clothes for your trip. Well done, super secret spy lady. Well done.