FATshion: A Dress-Based Course in the Feminine Arts

Note: The following post may be filled with enthusiastic bees.

Jul 10, 2012 at 5:00pm | Leave a comment

LADIES! I’m sure you’ve heard by now that our responsibility to our gender is in fact to present a resplendent garden of feminine loveliness and wonderment. Right now you might be thinking, Wait, no it’s not, but you are MISTAKEN. 

If you disagree, I suspect you are simply wearing the wrong clothes. Fortunately I’m here to offer you a free class in ladylike conduct. Or at least ladylike apparel.

Step one, OF COURSE, is to imagine the beautiful ladygarden that it is your biological destiny to be. We begin by working the beauty in from the surface layers. This dress will hide any unsightly unladylikeness with a shining veneer of flowers and happy butterflies. There is also a tiny fidgety collar, and tiny fidgety collars always add an extra boost of feminine refinement.

(WARNING: Many of these dresses may attract bees. Rather than abandon the ladyquest, we suggest developing a hearty resistance to bee stings.)

Step one has taken effect, and as a result several ladies more accomplished than you in the fine arts of femmery have invited you to tea. Oh dear, you couldn’t possibly wear the butterfly dress again! Also the swelling still hasn’t gone down from all the bee stings. The answer, poor panicked aspiring lady, is a peplum. Actually “a peplum” is the answer to more feminine questions than you probably realize.

Ah, the swelling has subsided and you have grown more comfortable in your new lady business. Science has proven that dresses with birds on them provide on average a 68% improvement in femininity ratings as ranked by men and women between the ages of 13 and 62, and dresses with specifically peacock-inspired prints mean you have a really high opinion of yourself, which will inevitably draw ladyadmiration and ladyrespect from everyone you meet.

It also helps if you’re willing to show a moderate amount of tit.

Of course, the true test of your newfound ladyness is whether you can romp around in public in something that is basically a nightgown without looking like an escapee from a Victorian-era asylum, or your dotty old Great Aunt Bewildera after an evening of too much gin and nostalgia. The look you’re seeking is quirky and sweet, not tragic, desperate, and/or in danger of self-immolation.

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Blush lace maxi dress, Torrid, $55

Having accomplished so much in the fiercely competitive field of girlish grandeur, you can now graduate to one of the most storied feminine signifiers: the big fucking bow. “Hello,” says the big fucking bow (silently, of course, as a bow will only speak in an audible voice to those who have reached the loftiest pinnacles of effete enlightenment), “I cheerily present your soft and gentle feminine virtues all tied up in a tidy package! And because I’m in the front it’s like I’m gift-wrapping your vag!”

If you’ve gotten this far, congratulations! It means you can now probably get away with wearing a dress that is little more than a frilly muumuu, which is probably the excuse you were looking for from the start. I mean, aren’t we all, in the end, just looking for someone to accept our desire to wear a damn muumuu sometimes without trying to make us feel badly about it?

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Frock & Frill dress, Simply Be, $48

CONGRATULATIONS. Welcome to ladydom. Watch out for the bees.