Do This Don't: Ripped Tights

Everything in life falls apart eventually, so just put on your sheer tights, live your life, and watch as they meet their demise.
Publish date:
December 5, 2012

In high school, I always fantasized about what it would like to be “a bad girl,” but I was too high-strung to actually be a bad girl. Instead, I had vivid daydreams about what life would be like as a Rayanne, rather than an Angela. The closest I ever got to being “bad” in high school was skipping pep rallies and I only did that to sit in the drama room with my friends and discuss the intricacies of Stephen Sondheim’s "Into the Woods," so.

I ain’t in high school no more, but I still imagine what life would be like if I skipped class to smoke cloves under the bleachers. Of course, if I tried a stunt like that now, I’d probably be escorted off campus and questioned for hanging out with a bunch of 16-year-olds, so I’m not even going to try.

As a substitute, I’ll live out my little fantasy by wearing ripped tights. (Unless, of course, any 16-year-olds wanna meet me under the bleachers.) (Kidding!) (But am I?) (Of course I am!) (But am I?)

Don’t try to rip your tights.

That’s just lame. Everything in life falls apart eventually, so just put on your sheer tights, live your life, and watch as they meet their demise. However, you do get bonus points if the rips on your tights come from hopping a fence. I’m not saying mine did, but here’s a picture of me hopping a fence a few weeks ago, as adults are wont to do.

I’ll leave you to put the pieces of the puzzle together, Sherlock.

Do pretend you’re still in high school.

Not in a sad way. Like, don’t talk about your high school achievements or anything. That would be so bleak! Gross! But play up the stereotypical high school look with corduroy skirts, Varsity jackets, and lockets. The heart-shaped necklace I’m wearing quotes R. Kelly’s seminal classic, “Ignition: Remix.” You can pretend you’re not jealous, but we can all tell you’re just pretending.

Don’t go crazy now.

I have a pair of tights that are ripped all over, just because they were sorta shitty quality. I didn’t throw them out because I’m a hoarder, but I would never wear them. There is such a thing as having too many rips in your tights.

Do look classy otherwise.

I like to contrast the ripped tights against more prim and proper textures, like velvet and lace. So, who's inviting me to their holiday party? Oh, everyone? Cool. Good talk. Glad we did this. I’ll bring the sugar cookies.

Don’t think you can wear them anywhere.

Really? You’re going to wear ripped tights to meet your significant other’s parents for the first time? That’s a thing you’re doing? That’s a choice you’re sticking to?

Don’t get all costume-y.

It’s easy for a look like this to move into the “gimmicky” terrain. You don’t want to look like a reject from "The Craft" (Or maybe you do! That’s cool! I can be into that!), so keep your outfit casual with elements like graphic tees with chambray buttonups thrown over ‘em.

All right. Who wants to skip Chem? I stole vodka from my mom’s fridge and refilled the bottle with water. I mean, whaaaaat?

Get at me on Twitter @michellelynking.

My roommate Kait Robinson took my photos and also did not get annoyed when I left the bathroom a mess, so big ups to Kait all around!