3 Beauty Products I must have when I am SOO sick (and not even in a fun cokehead-y way)

Of course when I'm sick all I care about are beauty products... Have we met?
Publish date:
December 8, 2011
shoppables, sickness, M

OK, well...I’m sick! That's all I've got today. Not swag. Sorry for the gross photo above, but if Emily think I’m posting a picture of myself looking snotty and disgusting then she’s really lost it.

I don’t have much to write or report, godammit! Hmm. I'm so nasal and clogged up that I sound like Bob Dylan on the phone whining to everyone: Think "a hard rainnnnnnn's a-gonna fall."

What else? Let’s go with the weather: It is clammy and cool here in New York. Yesterday I ran around in the (a-hard) rain getting wet in a fur coat and filthy ballet slippers with holes in the bottom:

…to buy Theraflu. See, these are the only “flats” I have, and Julie won’t do the flats story that I keep ordering her to do. But whatever, I’ll find a new pair myself.

Ugh. How did I get so sick? Did the ecstasy in Miami break down my immune system? I’m thinking so. And now YOU, the readers, have to pay for it. With this very very very boring column.

Not swag.

You know what I really keep daydreaming about? When I was in the mental hospital once, this crazy patient who was addicted to eating paint chips (FACT: he also ate dry cat food like we eat Goldfish crackers) told me that the best weed in his neighborhood (Newark, New Jersey, incidentally) was this special kind that…tasted like Vicks VapoRub. No joke!

“It’s the best when you’re sick,” he explained. “But you can’t just request it from the dealer or whatever. You have to just luck out and get it.”

Man, do I want some of that weed right now. And weed is my number one thing that I’m trying to quit!

Ugh, I’m coughing all over the place. I'm blowing snot out of my nose every five seconds and I missed this glamorous party I was going to go to with this guy I like last night, and I feel so physically depressed that I could die. Let’s get right to the beauty products, shall we? And then I'm going right back to bed. Fuck this!

I'm all about the Olbas Herbal Remedies because the whole concept is about turning your ugly, germy bathroom into some sort of Swiss healing spa, whatever the hell that is. WHATEVER. For me it is all about packaging packaging packaging and aroma aroma aroma. In both categories, Olbas Therapeutic Bath delivers. It makes your body tingle, it's super-soothing, it makes your bathwater bubbly, and it clears your sinuses a little. Win.

I always save this product for an ultimate post coke binge-beauty guide, but I realize that this demographic, readership-wise, is sadly limited. Anyway, meet Dr. Hauschka Berberis Nose Balm. It contains all-natural astringents and anti-irritants to relieve stuffiness, and you can smooth it on red, raw naturals to take care of all thatirritation. I have been blowing my nose, like I said, approximately once every 10 seconds, so I gotta get a tube of this somewhere. Whole Foods, maybe. I lost the tube I used to have.

Dear Tarte Rest Assured Brightening Wand -- I love you. Why? The most put-together person I've ever worked with (one Dawn Spinner Davis, now beauty and fashion editor over at Cosmopolitan.com) (swag) used to use this compulsively at her desk when we were colleagues at Lucky, and let me tell you -- no one has EVER been so bright-eyed. During my years at Lucky, I was most often found drooling at my desk, hallucinating rats rattling the Chanel tissue paper I kept stashed in drawers there -- but despite the fact that I never slept, I always looked pretty good. Because I copied Dawn's makeup choices! Or at least this one.

The key element to this product is the pencil part. It's a shimmer-touched, (Caucasian) flesh-colored liner that you line the inside of your eyes with to brighten up any redness and diminish the look of fatigue -- an ancient (not really) makeup artist secret. Then you use the pinky-glowy highlighter cream on the other end wherever you need to brighten: under the brow bone, on inner and outer eye corners, atop the cheektops, in the middle of your bottom lip to make it fuller. Etc. In other words, with this product, you can't lose, babes.

OKAY! Thank God I'm done writing for today. Good, it wasn't a useless column after all. Now I want to hear from you-- what are your must-haves, beauty or otherwise, when you are looking or feeling like death?

(Please note that I refrained from talking about how I don't know how to take care of myself when I'm sick because my negligent mom never took care of me and so I thus need your help in that department... Oh, whoops; I just did. XO. COMMENTS -- go!)

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