There's yogurt and jelly in here, and you can't eat either.
I’m a 39-year-old, young-minded, fun-loving, city-living lady. No, this isn’t a dating ad it’s a confession. On the outside, I look like a normal London girl and I look a little younger than 39 - why, thank you. But recently my body shone a sharp light on the lies myself and my pot of youth cream tells me on a daily basis. In actual fact, I am slap-bang in the middle of middle age, and this realisation hit me as I found my first grey pube.
No animals were harmed in the making of this article - they are purely metaphors.
Yes, while getting ready for work I discovered a grey pubic hair. I was mortified. I had a sudden flashback of the moment my lovely old granny left her bathroom door open and asked me to help her run the bath. Seeing her baggy body furnished with a bright white pom-pom of grey muff was burnt into my mind forever. And now, in my own bathroom my body was an honest reminder of my age – whadabitch.
As a beauty editor with over 10 years in the biz, I reassured myself that I could pull a few strings, kiss a couple of arses, call in a few favours, and get this sorted, perhaps even halted, PRONTO.
But if I could hear email I would be deafened by the sound of beauty PRs deleting my email and slamming their laptops shut in horror and disgust at my request. The PRs that actually spoke to me choked on their skinny lattes and spluttered through a firm sorry-can’t-help-bye-don’t-ever-call-again-thank-you-bye-bye-nope-no way-bye. No-one wanted to help.
So, being deaf and full of grey pubes – yes, by this point a few more silver strands had appeared, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? I screamed. I know, I’ll talk to a friend.
I met Katie for coffee. I confessed and asked her what I should do, this was her response:
Katie: Oh, don’t worry about it, babe. You should see mine! It’s a mess down there. I’ve got loads of greys but I don’t care, after five kids you’re more worried about being able to hold in your wee when you cough.
Me: Oh, right, but I haven’t had five kids and I feel like a youngster, sometimes I use text speak, I like snoop dog, I don’t want to be reminded that I’m old, especially not with grey bloody pubes! It’s an assault on my femininity and sexuality. I AM AN OLD WOMAN!! (I was about to cry actual tears)
Dave: Shave it all off then
Me: Oh, what? Oh, hello, Dave (I’d not noticed Katie’s boyfriend Dave turn up, ugh the shame!)
Dave: Yeah, I did that to you once, didn’t I, babe? (Dave guffaws and gives Katie a saucy look. I feel awkward), do you remember, babes?
Katie: Oi, saucy! (Katie slaps Dave).Yeah, babes, do what Dave said, shave it all off
Me: Um, not too keen on that, really. I don’t like the ingrown hairs, itchy re-growth, shaving cuts, looking like a disproportionate woman-child with giant boobs and a pre-pubescent vagina, not really me...
Katie: Why not get your boyfriend to do it? Make it fun
Me: No way! He is NOT seeing my grey pubes! This is between me and my downstairs
The sensitive and reassuring discussion ended.
On the way home I came over all philosophical. The beauty industry fall over themselves in telling us how terrible the signs of ageing are and is always there to offer a consumable solution. But clearly there’s a line drawn. It’s fine to turn your vagina into something that wouldn’t look amiss on a Strictly Ballroom dance floor with a Vagazzle. And it’s cool to show your cultural knowledge with a furry triangle shaped into a Brazilian or Hollywood. But when it comes to the undeniable and unglamorous truth that even your pussy ages, the beauty industry don’t want to know. Hey, guys, there’s money to be made and another neurosis to finance, c’mon!
Actually, I’m being unfair, the beauty industry does provide ways to cover grey pubes, they just might not tell you about it. So I will.
You can use eye lash dye on your pubes, but as always, you must, MUST, do a skin test first – and not a skin test on your vagina, no, on your inner elbow or behind your ear. And of course, you have to be super, super careful and don’t go right down to the roots. Proceed with caution!
If you want to celebrate your changing body you can embrace the grey and try out a wild coloured dye made especially for pubic hair. Looklush.co.uk sells Betty Pubic Hair Dye in a range of fabulous rainbow hues and is specially formulated for pubic hair. Alongside the Sunburst Orange and Fun Hot Pink there are also natural colours if you want to be less conspicuous.
So, what am I going to do? Well, I now quite like the idea of having matching collars and cuffs. Really, my granny looked quite cool with a ball of white hair at both ends of her body. And perhaps when I am grey everywhere I can have a blue rinse! Although I won’t be calling any PRs for favours...