It's gonna get sappy up in here.
Well! Sorry I didn’t get a post up yesterday -- I took a long weekend, you see, at my new stoner sex cult ranch, and I’m only back because I have to go to LA with Julie and do a MakeUnder.
Between you, me and the Family, of course, I’m hoping to BRING our MakeUnder subject back with me to our top secret location for a lot of weed smoking, bareback penetration, and moaning our pseudonyms at one another -- mine is THARPA -- because hey, you never know: as far as I know, the girl is single, and Dad is always down to audition another Bride.
Speaking of knowing and not knowing random stuff, TRIVIA TIME: Did you know a small chick like me can easily deepthroat a jumbo, ridge-y pinecone like it’s nothing MUCH more easily than expected when forced to, say, during some sort of hazing situation?
Because I was JUST forced to find that out myself recently, and you know what, the other best part is: not only are you just impressed with yourself -- taken ABACK, really, with your own skills -- but then, WOW: a penis just go down like nothing after that pinecone! And I do mean penis after penis after PENIS!
Anyway! Sorry you guys, I know you keep telling me in the comments to stay more on course with the beauty stuff.
Without ado, a guide to some products every good Family member worth her sex hammock on the main porch should know to keep in stock:
You had your SAUCY little spiritual revolution. You joined your sexy little cult. You gave up your name, your money, and your most basic human rights … and what else?
Duh: with shoes on, you could run away – and you would, from these gross bad men after a while, wouldn’t you, bad Sister?
Luckily there are tins of Body Shop Hemp Foot Protector everywhere around the colony to soften heels and other roughness like crazy.
Hemp seed oil has a super-high concentration of essential fatty acids –-- amazing for this -- and the product also includes Community Trade organic beeswax as a barrier to seal in moisture.
Community Trade isn’t at all like Flirty Fishing, but maybe it should be it. Yeah, click that link, sexy girl.
CAT DECREETH: Use it as lube while everyone penetrates you.
Next up is this mess:
Wait! Wait! Before you ask!
Yes – this Cannaderm Robatko Intime Wash Lotion (no, really) IS suitable “also for small children genital washing by changing the diapers.” You see, it says so right on the website!
Because this is right where we want to get started with our youngest today: a pot leaf, a lowered pH formula, and a poorly phrased endorsement of your young one’s genital washing with hemp seed oil by Cat Marnell of xoJane.com. (You know: ol' "Jane Pratt's Resident Angel Dust Aficionado"? Thanks Gawker.)
Did I mention you can use this on yourself, too? It prevents something called "fungal infections" (only for forest-dwelling urchin hippies; do not worry; ugh) and vaginitis.
(What is vaginitis, you ask? As IF I’m Googling that shit. Are you out of your mind? As Health Critic, whatever the hell vaginitis is – consider it CRITICIZED!)
CAT DECREETH: Use it on your Jesus Baby – then on yourself. In the same tub.
Now on to this stuff:
Does your new commune decline to provide you with sunscreen during those very grueling bareback orgy sex sessions in the peanut fields? Thought so!
It comes packed with tons of aloe vera and vitamin E that actually help protect from UV rays and the environment. Which is good, because you have a lot of chores to do before sundown, Sister.
And by chores, I mean either hand jobs under the broiling sun or weeping in a toolshed, or being discovered weeping in the toolshed and…well, must I go on?
CAT DECREETH: Great for all those hand jobs.
Now – and no pun intended in advance -- I’m about to...blow. Your. Mind.
We’ve all tasted condoms, yes? I know: delicious.
And we’ve all eaten weed, like, or chewed on a stem or something, right? I know: it’s like surf ‘n turf at The Yacht Club Abu Dhabi.
And then! On top of all this! We’ve all given head, yes? I know: the most fun thing, ummmm -- I guess EVER?!
Well, the hippie stoner sex cults about which I am writing this very lucid article -- so DEDICATED are they to weed, sex, weirdness, etc., that when they DID decide to start using condoms a few years back (you can research all of this; fact-check me, please), they invented what non-stoners, non-nymphos could never imagine even in their wildest dreams:
These are CANNABIS-FLAVORED CONDOMS, babes.
I just want you to let that sink in.
They’re for people who never want to have to choose between the taste of BONG and the taste of DONG ever again; they are the reason I joined this cult; they are the reason I am participating in these orgies.
There isn’t even anything as delicious as these marijuana-flavored condoms (which I’ll happily chew like gum to my grandma’s Unitarian church, I love ‘em so much!) to be found in the entire High Times Cannabis Cookbook:
...A.K.A. the first cookbook I give anyone permission to give me as a gift, ever (in fact, I encourage it – I WANT IT!).
CAT DECREETH: What was I even talking about?
Last but not least, there is this thing: a lone candle I found on Ebay (so I can presume there's only ONE of him in the world -- and isn't he a weird little thing!?).
Do NOT burn him for sex, or to drip him over some other sex hippie's body! NO!
He is in chains, just like you, the new cult member, and NO, he is not for melting! As long as he doesn't melt down, you won't either, you see? Look at his stoic little face!
(Buy him! screams the voice inside my head right now. He is YOUR SOULMATE!)
CAT DECREETH: Stay strong; wax on.
And I could write more, but this story has officially turned into the weirdest thing I've ever written, so that is THAT. Over and out. Happy Tuesday. Let's see if it even gets published.
Cat's on Twitter @cat_marnell.