It's gonna get sappy up in here.
When you think of beauty treatments, you might think of a nice hot towel, or a cleansing avocado mask. But despite your clear ability to pass for “someone famous,” there are some extremely weird beauty treatments that you could be giving yourself.
Perusing spa menus in the U.S., Thailand, England, and Israel, we found the weirdest in revitalizing and relaxing treatments. The only thing standing between you and your best self, might be some flaming-hot cups, a 24 carat gold leaf facial, or getting snails to have sex on your face. All of this causes gorgeousness, if you’re just willing to believe anything.
1. Bird Poop FacialThis facial uses uguisu, powdered nightingale droppings. The traditional Japanese ingredient was a Geisha secret. Geishas, who led a blemish-free existence, used the stuff because it contained natural enzymes and guanine. The bird shit is supposed to soften and brighten you up by giving your skin the nutrients it needs. You’ll get that shiny opalescent sheen, the one that moisturizer just doesn’t give you. If it’s going to be bird excrement, it might as well be nightingale.
2. Escargot FacialSnails may not be the most beautiful creatures, but the slime they secrete for sex reasons can prolong your youthful glow. It’s anti-aging, because why else would a woman let snails go at it on her face? The juices contain power proteins, antioxidants and hyaluronic acid. All of this retains your moisture, and gets rid of dead skin. Bonus: you won’t have to be registered as a snail sex offender after this treatment.
3. Lower Hair ColoringNot even beauty queens have the complete look without a fresh dye job on their hair down there. This salon says that the color is safe in between your legs, and you can choose any tone you’d like.
4. Hot CuppingThis remedy came from A Handbook of Prescriptions for Emergencies by Taoist herbalist Ge Hong. A masseus heats bamboo jars with an open flame and sticks them on you for an hour or so. They stay on you like suction cups, and the subtle pressures yanks your muscles up. It’s relaxing, but it can sting. As badges of honor, you’ll get bubbly bruises that stay for a while and your skin will look like a big checkerboard. (Wherever there’s purple, you have toxins.) If this is too close to what the celebrities and models are doing, opt for a fire massage.)
5. Snake MassageIf being stuck in a bed overrun with snakes puts you on edge, it’s time you stopped worrying about being squeezed to death and learned to chill out a little. That’s because snakes make great massage therapists. The ones at this Carnivorous Plant Farm in Israel aren’t venomous either. They’re exquisitely sensitive to you body, and their movements can be enjoyable. So grow a pair and treat yourself to a face full of slithering snakes.
6. Elephant massage in ThailandKick back on a towel with a well-deserved rub from the hoof of an elephant. It’s only thousands of pounds. If you don’t go through with it, you might be really uptight.
7. Face GymTrainers at Selfridges give your face whipping strokes to get you producing collagen and get your blood moving. Then they play drums on your face to sculpt and contour you, using derma “weights” on wrinkles. Your face is finished off with a jade roller and some toner. Get thy head to a gym because working your core while your face lazes the days away doesn’t cut it.
8. Face Slapping MassageSo you’re in your 20s and already worrying about anti-aging. Take comfort in the fact that if you do get a wrinkle one day, you can pay for a beating to get rid of it. At this massage parlor, someone will actually try slapping the wrinkles to firm up your skin. It’s supposed to zap the lines off your face, and apparently doesn’t even hurt that much.
9. Fish pedicureInstead of exfoliating, you can dip your feet in a tank of fish. The carp, which don’t have teeth, bite off your dead skin. Some of this has been banned. It’s all humane of course. But before your skin is misdiagnosed as alive despite the fact that you haven’t used a pumice stone in months, ask a fish.
10. Gold FacialAurotherapy – gold treatment – can undo all the damage you did sunning yourself and chain smoking. The 24-carat gold leaf facial is chockablock with ingredients reputed to enhance skin tone. It’s expensive, but the benefits are extremely obvious to anyone who inspects their neck with a magnifying mirror.
Reprinted with permission from Styleite.