Don't try this at home. No really, DON'T.

I'm going to road-test some of magazine land's more crackpot beauty suggestions, just for you...
Publish date:
September 21, 2012
stevie martin, don't try this at home, magazine beauty tips

In Cosmo, they often recommend stupidly expensive creams before occasionally throwing in a kooky homemade alternative. You know the kind of thing, something along the lines of putting "moist tea bags on your eyes" to eradicate dark circles if you can't afford to pay the $70 for a caffeine infused eye serum (I like to read the US site because it contains phrases like "get perkier tatas").

[just to let you know, this photo was simply sent to me with the following explanation: 'took half an hour as the olives kept rolling off the potatoes' --Rebecca]

Problem is, teabags on your eyes for tiredness is like putting an avocado up your arse for acne. As in, nothing is likely happen. Still, I only know because I've tried it (the teabag remedy, not the avocado thing). I've also tried raw potatoes. And ice cubes. And cold spoons. And spooning potatoes through the cold night while whispering Vanilla Ice lyrics.

Therefore I know that cold spoons and ice cubes work like a charm, teabags just stain everything brown and potatoes on your face does nothing but make you look funny. As for the spooning thing... I just want love, OK?

Below I've documented my experiences with some common home remedies to impress upon you how important it is someone tries this shit out first. Don't make the same mistakes as me. Oh, and the headlines double as puns on well known songs to show how I can be really fun lovin' when the mood strikes:

#1 I WHIP MY POTASSIUM BACK AND FORTHBy age 12 my hair lacked vital shine, so I made one of those banana hair masks still championed by Cosmopolitan (note the banana used alongside the ubiquitous avocado) and a Shitload Of Other People.

It was all great until I washed it out and discovered I'd essentially PVA'd my own scalp. Organically, at least. Two hours later, my mum made an emergency salon appointment because nothing was working and I looked a bit like a diseased tree.

Turns out they can straighten curls and protect your barnet against blowdries but there is nothing whatsoever for basic fruit extraction. I mean, what the hell are these so-called specialists doing with their time? After countless serums and lots of laughing from other customers (dicks), they chopped a fair bit of my hair off and advised me to "keep shampooing, but wait a few days until it rots a bit." Which it did.

#2 HONEY, I'M ON YOUR FACEFFS it's that one from Shania Twain's hit album Come On Over (which we all owned) where she goes "HONEY AHM HOWME ANNAH HADDA HARD DAYYE" and talks about PMS. Look it up.

Anyway, I tried a honey face mask, which involved putting honey on your face and leaving it for an hour. Couldn't move as everything got stuck in it (leaves, hair, joy) and, if I smiled, it dripped into my mouth which was unpleasant considering I don't care for the taste.

On the plus side, I felt a bit like a back-to-front bee. And it sparked a rather lively discussion with my father as to whether honey is "bee spit or bee piss" but there was no discernible change to my skin.

#3 LADY IN EGGDecided to give one of those egg face masks a go. Supposed to tighten and tone, so I applied it in the morning, washed it off and readied myself for a day of crying in the toilets at school because nobody fancied me.

Around lunchtime my pores were aggressively toned for a 14 year-old. Impressive, considering I often used a foundation called Pretty Girlz from the local market which, when my parents redecorated, also doubled as grouting.

By mid afternoon I was starting to become embarrassed by how much I glowed, but nobody noticed because of this terrible smell emanating from somewhere. Like something had died. We presumed it was from the chemistry labs- perhaps a gas leak resulting in Mr Harrison's death- but it didn't go. And Mr Harrison was still alive. And it got stronger.

And amid everyone going "urgh what the hell IS that? URGHHH" I realised the egg hadn't washed off properly and the smell wasn't a corpse, but my own face. I smelt as though something had died and decomposed on my face.

#5 PUT AN AVOCADO ON IT (ALL THE SINGLE AVOCADOS) Put an avocado up my arse and my spots cleared up instantly.*

It's time someone stepped up to separate the wheat from the chafe (as in OH GOD THIS HOME REMEDY IS CHAFING) or we all run the risk of finding ourselves performing time consuming, pointless tasks using egg whites.

Guys, I'm going to trawl the beauty pages and take the hit. I'm going to put shit on my face. I'm going to correct tanning disasters with bits of lemon. I'm essentially going to see what works, and what makes you a person alone in her bedroom covered in food.

If you have any tips you'd like me to road test please let me know, provided it doesn't involve any actual roads as I can't drive. If not, look forward to next week where I attempt to make a series of facemasks recommended by Marie Claire.

SPOILER ALERT: One is "breakfast themed" and another promises to actually change the colour of my skin. I'm not even joking.

*This didn't happen, I just wanted to inject a bit of optimism and positivity into the world.

Stevie is on Twitter @5teviem - give her your crackpot beauty tips to roadtest...NOW. She'll write lots of funny things about it.