It's gonna get sappy up in here.
Wanna know what I’m weird about? Teeth.
I’m not insecure about them, per se. I’m not insecure about anything. Let’s call it…hypersensitive. I’ve said before, I won’t eat chocolate cake in public because it’s going to get in my teeth and no one’s going to tell me and then you’re going to tag me on Instagram and then I’ll forever be that guy who had cake in his teeth.
I know that makes me sound high maintenance and crazy but that’s only because…no, you know what? I’m both of those things.
Red wine, too. I might have one glass while I’m out somewhere, but then I’ll be paranoid that I have purple teeth. The only saving grace in that is that my purple teeth will match my hair.
I brush my teeth incessantly. After every single time I eat, if I'm able to. Even when I'm out super late scarfing down drunk food (not that I would ever) all I'm thinking about is the next time I'll be able to brush.
I always worry that my teeth are more stained than I realize. I brush them incessantly, but still, I drink black coffee every day and that’s not going to stop anytime soon. I’ve used white strips before, and I guess they were fine, but they didn’t give me the blindingly white teeth of a Disney star that I think I should have.
And then I see all of these rich teens and Instagram models holding up those weird, bright, blue-ass lights that are supposed to whiten your teeth. How much money are these kids raking in for taking a selfie with a teeth whitening device? Will people just promote anything for the right price? (Oh on that note, I will promote anything for the right price so email me if you handle those waist trainers or detox teas. I could always use a detox.)
When a publicist asked if she could send me the Luster Pro Light Dental Whitening System, $43.99, I was like “Idk, will it transform me into a wealthy Miami teen with a trust fund?” she was like “Actually I don’t think so but it will whiten your teeth.” I was all “Fine, send it anyway.”
ACTUALLY, I had already been using one of Luster’s toothpastes for a minute, and really, really liking it. I wanted to tell you guys about it for a while now but doing an article on teeth would be really boring, you know?
Anyway, here we are.
That toothpaste is Luster NOW Instant Whitening Fluoride Toothpaste, $7.99.
It’s basically a purple shampoo for your teeth. You know how purple shampoos are purple because they counteract yellow tones in blonde hair? In the same way, Luster is very blue to counteract stains from your teeth. It deposits blue micro-particles on your teeth to instantly make your teeth look whiter with just one brushing.
And it really works! I use this before I go out all the time. The results last for hours and my teeth really do look whiter and brighter, that is, until I’m slamming shots of Fernet or, god forbid, Jager. There’s only so much black liquor you can suck down and still maintain the illusion of white teeth. Good thing I’m a vodka soda girl, otherwise.
It’s such a great product to keep your teeth healthy, whiten instantly, and continue to whiten over time. And it’s eight dollars! I would buy this even if I wasn’t getting it for free, for REAL.
So, the light. Let there be light.
The kit comes with a mouthwash, a stain lifting serum, and the whitening light.
You’re supposed to swish with the mouthwash, apply the stain lifting serum to the teeth you want to whiten, and then hit them with the light for two minutes. Bam, bam, bam.
They also include this handy little chart in case you’re not sure just how much you need to whiten.
Since I had never used the kit before and it had been a long time since I’d whitened my teeth using strips or anything else, I did a full regimen of 10-20 treatments. Every morning and evening, I brushed as usual, and then rinsed, applied the serum, and used the light. It’s timed so it will shut off after two minutes so you don’t have to keep track of anything, which is just how I like it.
The one thing I was wary of was whether or not the kit would cause sensitivity. When I used strips in the past, there was definitely some sensitivity that wasn’t there before, just a little bit into the use. That’s never fun. When I painted the serum onto my teeth, I did notice a little…burning? Immediately. When the serum hit my skin or my lips, there was nothing, I couldn’t even feel it, which sort of put my mind at ease. I definitely noticed when it made contact with my teeth. It wasn’t painful or really intense, but definitely noticeable.
Over the seven days I used it, there was not one bit of sensitivity after. The weird burning sensation was gone by the time the whitening light shut itself off, so I all but forgot about it. It definitely wouldn’t stop me from using it again or telling my friends to pick it up, which is why I’m recommending it to you.
So here are the before and afters...
I can’t believe I’m putting close-ups of my teeth on the internet. This is fucking mortifying. I mean, I know you guys have seen like, my pubes, but this is worse.
Dude, this worked! Also thanks for not ever telling me that my front teeth are uneven, guys. Looks like I'll have to get one shaved down AGAIN.
I mean it really worked. Truthfully I wasn’t expecting to cover this because I didn’t see how a light and a serum could really lift stains from my teeth, but the results are obvious.
I'm thrilled! I know there are a ton of different ways to whiten your teeth and this is only one of them. Do I think it's the absolute best way to permanently whiten? Probably not. But for 43.99? Please. That's a steal.
I prefer the whitening light over white strips because I always felt like the strips weren't ever getting it all. What if I missed where my front teeth meet the gum line? What if the strips aren't getting in between my teeth, where the teeth meet? I never worried about any of that with the light, because the light got it all.
What do you guys use to whiten? Have you guys used the light? Can we not ever talk about teeth again? I'm lightheaded.
Tynan's teeth are shining bright* on Twitter @TynanBuck.