It's gonna get sappy up in here.
See how much fun I'm having at this festival despite my bangs being a mess?
Seeing this gallery of sweaty summery celebrities at BuzzFeed was a treat for me, and not because I have a pit stain fetish. No, it's just nice to realize that, even with handlers and stylists and mountains of money at their disposal, celebrities still sweat in hot weather. (See, they are just like us!)
When I was younger and cared more about what people thought of me, I dreaded summer. Rather than looking forward to time off from school, eating watermelon at the beach, and prancing around my backyard catching lightning bugs, I would think only of how sweaty, stinky, and sunburnt I would be for the next few months, and how gross that would look. Sad, huh? I've grown out of letting how I look dictate how much fun I'm having, but I'm still weighing the pros and cons of Summer on feminine beauty. Let's review, shall we?
-Sweaty pits, sweaty backs-against-car-seats, sweaty necks, and how they affect that lovely silk shirt you decided to wear. Pretty!
-The disgusting clusterfuck that happens under those adorable bangs you have. Your forehead sweats, your bangs get wet and slimy and then curl up in weird ways, and then the zits descend upon you.
-Frizzy hair that you tell yourself looks like beach hair.
-That tan line you get from wearing shortish skirts in summer. You know, the tan line that results in your sexy upper thighs remaining fish-belly white, while the rest of your legs get tan. My girlfriend used to call this "God's highlighter."
-Sitting on a plastic chair for a while and then leaving a sexy salty puddle behind when you stand up. Bonus: the flesh-on-plastic sucking sound!
-Being smelly. I once wore a simple string necklace for a few months, and after a bit, became convinced that the guy I was dating had a BO problem. Turns out I was smelling the effects of daily summer sweat on a string. That shit could have been used to fight vampires.
-When you go to hug someone and they say "I'm really sweaty!" and you still gotta commit to that hug because you're not a dick, so you just get a big body and face full of someone else's sweat!
-Actual beach hair
-That moment when you put on a sundress and spin around in the mirror. Finally, you feel like the epitome of the girl who wears sundresses and is carefree and kicky and gorgeous.
-Sunscreen and red lip stain looks good on everyone. Give it a try.
-Not really giving a shit about how your hair looks because fuck it, it's summer. I see countless magazine spreads about "easy beach hair" that always involves a lot of twisting and bobby pins and rubbing various items into your hair. Don't make it too complicated. Twist that mess on top of your head, secure it without looking, and go. It's a scientific fact that hair looks best when it is fixed without the aid of a mirror. As soon as you try to look at it, it'll go all lumpy and lopsided. It's like Peter Pan and flying.
-Keeping your clothing routine nice and simple: skirt, tank, weird jewelry. More heat = less layering options, which helps streamline things a bit.
-I take back what I said about the magazine spreads on summer hair: rubbing conditioner into the ends of your post-swim hair and letting it dry in the sun is pretty effective and smells great.
-Freckles. If you get them in the sun, you are lucky and sexy and you should show them off.
Summer has its drawbacks, but everybody is gross, so we might as well have fun. How will you be embracing your summer grossness this year?