SLAP ON THIS KOOKY U.K.-IMPORT CAFFEINE PATCH AND SMILE, WOMAN!!! (and other solutions for exhaustion)

I whine about a lot of things, but never about being tired. Because I never am! Here’s how.

Oct 4, 2011 at 5:00pm | Leave a comment

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The first rule of never being tired is never talk about being tired! Sure, I let myself whine to thousands of readers every day about my self-indulgent depressions which I immaturely and stupidly refuse to medicate with anything not sold to me from the front seat of a Range Rover with the engine running in front of my apartment building -- and yet, I am very disciplined about never announcing to anyone that I feel tired.

No one wants to hear that, I think smugly, because I never talk about it. Then I go write a thousand words about being lonely in my childhood mansion.

Also, when you talk about feeling exhausted, you remember that you're exhausted. And I believe that it's easy to get distracted in other things, and forget that you didn't get a lot of sleep. So I don't talk about it. It's the little things!

I’ve also learned that there are very few more powerful forces in my life than the internal clock that I was born with -- the same internal clock that had me sneaking 7 pm to 7 am TBS “Saved By The Bell” re-run marathons (my first all-nighter) when I was in elementary school.

It's just always been impossible (fine, I never have tried that hard, but whatever) for me to go to bed: I don’t feel focused until night time, and I love to work at night. All those years on stimulants didn’t help; now I binge-drink black tea (the only gift I want, ever, if anyone reading this is wont to buy me a gift, is books and fancy tea!).

The problem with this is that I was also rather determined to be a magazine editor for my entire young adult life, and I made it happen, but because I was working 10 am to 6 pm, then staying up until 5 am every night -- on the nights I bothered to sleep -- I was a wreck for a long, long time.

And I don’t think anything is ever going to put me to bed on time; I just don’t like it. I’m not going to change, and I actually think someday if I have a baby, I will be weirdly in sync with its on-and-off sleeping habits. I know that I can’t hold conventional office hours and Jane knows it too -- I come in some time around noon and two on the days I do come in, and stay until about nine pm. Then I do emails and write from home for hours throughout the night.

Is this crazy? Maybe. But really, I don’t get tired, because I’m just sleeping when my body tells me to sleep. If I don’t, I want to use all the time, and ugh, who can be bothered. But I do love my caffeine, which brings me to these babies:

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They are by one of my favorite, looniest UK brands ANATOMICALS. Cutely called SNOOZERS ARE LOSERS Energy Patches, they are caffeine patches that you slap on your body! It is my contention that they work, and I should probably secretly stick one on Jane or someone more sensitive to caffeine than I am, because I never “feel” coffee, just like I never feel cocaine except for the crankiness-inducing effect it has on me, which is why I have learned that I’m really not interested in doing it anymore, even though it is always all around me. Coke is gross and such a waste of money.

A box of six of these patches, on the other hand, is a mere $4 online, and you’re not even getting charged for the imported glamour that is a niche London beauty brand you can show off to your friends and colleagues! Plus, no dehydrating effect or teeth-staining like with coffee. Who needs it?

Anyway, does anyone else have a ridiculous sleep schedule like me? And what’s your favorite source of energy or caffeine? I am always on the hunt for a new STIMULANT.