I'm Going To Be A Baby Forever: The Anti-Aging Products That Are Prepping Me For The Future

Maybe going to Bathory-esque measures is a bit extreme, so I'm trying products instead.
Publish date:
May 2, 2013
anti-aging, fresh, sunscreen, Kiehl's, Clarins, skincare, moisturizer, serum

One thing you might not know about me is that I love The Twilight Zone. There's a particular episode, entitled "Queen Of The Nile" (which you can watch here). It tells the tale of fictional actress Pamela Morris, who kind of resembles a not-as-great Elizabeth Taylor. Pamela has been stunning for as long as anyone can remember, and people are curious about her secrets.

As we find out by the episode's end (SPOILER ALERT!) Pamela is actually Cleopatra and has been living it up for centuries thanks to a magical scarab beetle that sucks the life out of unsuspecting men (ha--they're always unsuspecting) and then injects youth and vitality back into her. KILLER. You do you, Pamela.

Much to my chagrin, it turns out that such magical scarab beetles are not available on the market (at least not any that I know of). So I've had to resort to other measures.

I tried bathing in the blood of virgins for a while, but it got way too time-consuming, so I've turned to skincare products instead.

And don't you snark at me for wanting to look young! I know, I get it, I AM YOUNG, but I'd like my skin to stay healthy and beautiful-looking for as long as possible. It feels nice to wake up and look in the mirror and be happy with what's looking back at you, free of makeup, expert lighting and Photoshop.

One of the integral parts of any anti-aging regimen is using SPF to prevent my skin from burning and basically rotting away due to the harsh effects of the sun. I feel like if I went out without SPF, my skin would hiss and smoke. It's also important to wear sunscreen so that you don't get skin cancer and, you know, die.

Right now I'm quite keen on Kiehl's Powerful Wrinkle Reducing Cream with Broad Spectrum UVA/UBV SPF 30 Protection. It's full of copper and calcium, which boost elasticity and even skintone. It's also very creamy and wonderfully moisturizing while protecting your face from the harsh death glare of the sun.

Another type of anti-aging product that I'm obsessed with is high-quality serum. Applied after washing and toning and before any moisturizers, serums sink deep into your skin and prep it for any other treatments you plan to throw at it. They're also usually jam-packed with a high concentration of powerful ingredients guaranteed to make you pretty.

Currently I'm a freak over Clarins Double Serum. It's been in development for 27 years and the formula keeps improving with newfound scientific discoveries.

The double-chamber bottle on the current edition houses two serums separately for optimal potency, which then combine in your hand when pumped out. You mix them together in your palm and then massage it into your face, and suddenly your skin is soft and supple with the dewiest glow, thanks to a mix of 20 plant extracts. It also smells really, really good.

Now, my skin is outrageously dry. Like, I will think I'm moisturizing it like a mad woman and it feels hydrated, but then I go and get a facial at Mario Badescu (my heaven) and the aesthetician tells me I could stand to moisturize a bit more.

And it's true, sometimes I'm not drinking enough water and my skin is all flaky around my nose and hairline. That's when you have to reach for the big guns. I need moisturizers that are thick and gooey but still gentle enough not to break me out.

That's why I love Fresh Creme Ancienne. Jam-packed full of soothing chamomile, beeswax and vitamin E, it creates this wonderful protective layer over my skin while sinking in and making it so, so soft.

It's also handmade in a monastery by European monks. Like, of course I am going to put the health of my skin into the hands of bald holy men. OF COURSE!

I'm on my way to staying a baby forever! If you plan to join me in eternal toddler-skin-dom, comment here. If you don't care, comment here, too. Tell me what keeps you young. I'm sure I'm an idiot for using expensive products when I could probably be rubbing mud and sunflower seed oil or whatever into my neck, but I mean, to each their own. I like the way I look!