I basically called my mom for help. Except when I say mom, I mean an esthetician.
“Hey, can you come look at this? It’s killing me!”
I kicked my legs up in the air and spread them wide to give my husband full access to the horror between them. He confirmed it: I had developed, for the first time ever, the dreaded disease of the thick-thighed: CHUB RUB.
If you’ve ever dealt with inner-thigh chafing, then you understand the pain and embarrassment that comes along with it.
My thighs touch. There, I said it. In the age of the coveted thigh gap, mine smush together. For the most part, this is fine; but once the weather warms up, the problems begin.
When you combine sweat and friction together, you create chafing--a painful, burning rash. It takes forever for the spots to heal because it's nearly impossible to keep your thighs from touching for the week or so it takes to clear up. Even worse: If left untreated, chub rub can lead to nasty yeast infections. Ain’t nobody got time for that! (Is that still funny?)
Over the past few summers, I have become quite adept at avoiding chafing, and now I am sharing that information with you. Just call me “The Chub Rub Whisperer” or something.
STOP MOISTURE BEFORE IT STARTS
To prevent chafing, you must first prevent moisture. Some women will put super-strength antiperspirant along the inner-thigh area, but I didn’t have much luck with that. I should have known, since super-strength antiperspirants don’t keep my pits from sweating either. What can I say? I am a disgusting, sweaty blob.
I’ve had much better luck with body powders. My personal favorite is Lady Anti Monkey Butt powder. It’s pink; that’s how you know it’s for the ladies!
This pink powder is powerful and patented. (That alliteration was both accurate and necessary.) It has magical micro-particle polymers that glide over the skin and absorb sweat. The pink color is attributed to the addition of calamine--you know, that pink, chalky stuff you put on poisin oak and bug bites.
Lady Anti-Monkey Butt helps keep my thighs cool and dry for hours on end, but some women are turned off by the big monkey butt on the front. I don’t get it, but whatever. If you need something a little less obvious on your bathroom counter, Lush also has a lovely dusting powder called Silky Underwear--so sexy, so mature. It also comes in an inconspicuous bottle that won’t draw any attention to your ladybits’ issues.
UP THE SLIP
Sweat-absorbing powders won’t be enough to tackle Chub Rub if you are doing anything more than sitting at a desk, or in my case (a teacher during the summer) lying in bed all day watching reruns of CSI and Law and Order: SVU. If you are actually going to get out and move around--you know, exercise or walk to work or whatever--you are going to need to add a specific product to prevent chafing, the actual physical act of your thighs rubbing together as you move.
The holy grail of anti-chafing products is Body Glide. I’m sure it was originally formulated to keep marathon runners from getting blisters, but now anyone with chubby thighs can reap the benfits.
Body Glide is a waxy skin lubricant that resembles a stick of deodorant. You apply it to any nooks and crannies that might chafe, and it allows your thighs to glide across each other as opposed to rubbing and creating a crotch fire of epic proportions.
Like Anti-Monkey Butt Powder, Body Glide comes in a specially formulated “For Women” version, but the only difference I can see is the stupid pink top. Monkey butts I’m OK with, but patronizing me by changing the color of the lid--how dare you!
If you aren’t afraid to visit that sketchy “Family Planning” aisle at your local drugstore, you can also pick up Monistat Chafing Relief Powder-Gel. Me, personally? Since losing my periods (thanks, IUD!) and having no desire to buy condoms or pregnancy tests, I avoid that section of the store. I don’t want my ovaries to be reminded of their job and feel inclined to start working again. However, this Monistat product is theoretically the perfect combination between a moisture-absorbing powder and a friction-decreasing gel lubricant.
I will readily admit that I did make my husband buy me some once. (Hey, that’s what they're for, right?) I never could tell a difference when I used it though, so I kinda feel bad that I made him go through that embarrassment. But I've heard rumors that you can use the Powder-Gel as a primer; supposedly it is the same formulation as Smashbox’s Photo Finish Primer at a fraction of the price. I can’t vouch for its effectiveness, though, because I typically try to avoid putting products formulated for my vaginal area on my face. But for you all, I could be convinced to try it out.
CHANGE YOUR UNDIES
My number-one trick for avoiding chub rub: a good pair of fitted men’s boxer-briefs. Boxer-briefs are cotton, so they are super-breathable, and they fall at the perfect spot on your thighs to prevent the two from touching and rubbing.
I wear boxer-briefs under all of my dresses and skirts. Originally, I just stole my husband’s, but eventually I did invest in some of my own.
Hopefully, you are now equipped to avoid the dreaded chub rub. And of course, if you have any other tips and tricks to share, you know what to do!