I Kind Of Believe The Hype About Dry Brushing

Join me on my journey to exfoliate away my body dysmorphic disorder.

Let’s talk about my fun little case of body dysmorphic disorder. I’m a proportional 5’3’’, 113 pounds, and four out of five times, upon catching a glance in the mirror, I feel like I’m staring at a Swedish turkey meatball with a hairy head attached.

Then there’s that one out of five times where I’m like, “DAYUM LITTLE MAMA, WHERE YOU BEEN?” I look in the mirror, or really any reflective surface, an unreasonable amount of times, so that 1/5 gets a ton of use. Please don't infer that I’m constantly wallowing in self-hate or asking for pity. I’m simply publically shaming my brain.

I’m getting to the point where I’m processing visual information from the light reflecting into my pupils, through my hard-boiled eyeball matter, down though the electro-nerves into my squishy brain worm cluster a little more correctly. Body acceptance? Maybe. Or maybe one of my neon electro-nerves got turned off somehow and was reactivated that one time I smoked isopropyl alcohol. (PROBABLY NOT, though--you should NEVER smoke alcohol.)

The little stringy nerve wire was probably reactivated by healthy lifestyle choices, like getting active (as in hula hooping while watching Breaking Bad on Netflix, or Real Housewives on the treadmill), eating clean, and rubbing my body raw with a rough, fibrous brush. Say wut?!

It’s called dry brushing! But you guys knew that, because you like beauty stuff, which is why you read this site. If you didn’t know that, well, you’ve got me to school you on it. So, you know, take everything below this point with a miniscule grain of salt; not like, Maldon... think table salt. Like most of the information that enters my brain, the knowledge that I’m about to divulge has been collected from vaguely recalled internet sources and drunk friends.

So, dry brushing proponents claim that it helps drain your lymphatic system, remove toxins, and, most importantly, when it comes to placating my BDD, it's supposed to reduce cellulite. Holy snap you guys, why is everybody not doing it? I’ll try anything to get rid of the ghost cellulite that I sometimes think I see under dressing room lighting, but then disappears when my electro nerves spark back up.

Meanwhile, the solitary little brain worm that actually knows what’s up is screaming, “YOU’RE JUST EXFOLIATING!” into my frontal cortex sack, or wherever the believing takes place. It’s really hard to hear him over the thousands of other jolly brain worms, smushing and shimmying around aimlessly in their own juices, exclaiming things like, “Drain! Toxins! Cottage cheese! Healthy! Skinny! Pretty!” and smiling like complete assholes while that poor little other guy bangs his head repeatedly against the inside of my skull in despair.

Look, I can’t prove or disprove the claims, and I really don’t have a strong opinion either way. I’m young, in good shape, and don’t put as many toxins into my body as you might assume given the fact that I just talked about smoking rubbing alcohol. So from my personal experience with dry brushing, there was no opportunity for a drastic before-and-after-type hallelujah.

The way I see it is that if I start taking great care of myself now, in ten years I won’t be bitching about all the inconsequential, superficial things that women are taught to bitch about. I’ll just, you know, spend the rest of my life trying to prevent those inconsequential and superficial things.

At the very least, I can vouch for the fact that dry brushing is a superb method of exfoliation. I’ve had to go without my little palm brush for about a month while getting settled in New York, and the roughness of my leg skin is outta control. Gross! NO MAN WILL EVER LOVE ME.

I finally got a replacement from Eight Skincare, and have been using it before showering, when my skin is dry... duh. You'll look rather chalky after you finish brushing, the idea is to wash all the dead skin off right after in the shower. Then I slather myself in Mario Badescu's Apricot Super Rich Body Lotion, which is, like, in that middle area between a lotion and a butter. And it's cute and pink, yahtzee!

Also, I’m not totally against the idea that dry brushing helps to drain your lymphatic system. The recommended stroking action to move lymphatic fluid toward the heart is similar to lymph draining massage techniques.

WHATEVER. It’s one more step in my routine, tacking on a few extra minutes of alone time while I try to do something positive for my health. I’m just so vain that I look forward to those minutes-to-hours of positive self-indulgence.

Here’s a video of me half naked and stroking it:

Do you dry brush? Do you actually believe it works or do you just smile like a jerk and do it anyway? If you're lazy and don't have a Disqus account, answer me on Twitter or send me a letter in the mail because I NEVER get mail and the US postal service could use the stamp revenue.