I Am Officially The Budget Jennifer Lopez

She uses hella expensive moisturizers all over her body, and now so do I kind of.

Remember when I was all like, “Lol my skin is perfect”?

Yah well that was a fun few weeks! And then, without getting too gory, it wasn’t so fun! I think what really kicked off my few months of facepussmounds was a particularly drying face mask. (I won’t bash it, but I will NEVER recommend it. I never recommend anything that I don’t actually like. You know that right?)

I whined about it to thebestever facialist, Irina at Badescu, as she stared at me through the huge magnifying glass above my face during my second visit, squeezing some creamy goodness from the underground pore mess happening in the chin/cheek region.

“You shouldn’t be trying all of these products. It is making your skin angry.”

Yah, I know. But it’s part of my job. I get sent these things, and I have to try them before I can tell people about them. I am probably the second prettiest guinea pig of all time.

“OK, so you try them on your hand. Or your arm. Do not put these things on your face. Not when it’s like this. I’m sorry, but I can’t get every pore this time. Every single one of them is clogged like a grain of rice,” YES SHE TOLD ME I HAD A RICE GRAIN’S WORTH OF ZIT PASTE IN EVERY SINGLE ONE OF MY PORES.

So I kind of brushed it off because, like, how am I going to try a pore-tightening serum on the back of my hand? Or a charcoal mask on my kneecaps? And am I really going to waste this $150 day cream on my ass cheeks?

I mean, I don’t know how well you think you know me, but if you thought I answered that last question with a “No,” then you must have missed every annoying thing I’ve ever said or done on the internet, so, like, bravo.

Well, at first I was kind of bummed on the fact that I had a small fortune of skincare products sitting under my bed that I couldn’t even use. So I shoved them into a bag when my friend Catie came over, hoping that she’d foster parent. At least I knew they’d be going to a good home.

Then Catie left everything at my place because she, understandably, didn’t want to carry a huge hot pink ABPR bag full of high-end skincare products to the bars. **real problems**

That was almost the weeks ago. I literally couldn’t GIVE this stuff away. After a shower one evening, all damp and perfectly prepped for post-bathing moisturization (You know to do this in the first 10 minutes of getting out, right? Your skin will absorb the lotion better), I twisted open one of the jars peaking out of Catie’s bag.

It was Délivré’s Daily Nourishing Moisturizer. I honestly had no clue how much cash I was smearing onto my legs, butt, arms, and collarbones. But, ¾ of a two-ounce jar later, I was feeling too rich to really care.

I was basically Jennifer Lopez with a jar of La Mer. Except, like, the budget version of Jennifer Lopez with a jar of La Mer, because the Délivré was $85. So, if Créme De La Mer is $285 for two ounces, I’m like a good 30% J Lo. So sexy.

Honestly, I thought it would feel nice immediately, sink into my skin, and keep me moisturized as well and as long as your average body lotion. Nope. Two days later, as I bucked a pair of shoes I noticed that my legs looked particularly radiant. I don’t ever even really use that word, but if you saw my legs it would totally make sense.

Oh, I should also point out that no, I hadn’t showered or applied body lotion or done much of anything as far as personal hygiene for those two days besides tending to my face skin and brushing my teeth.

From there, I stepped up my percentage to at least 50% Jenny-From-The-Miami-Penthouse-By-Way-Of-Her-Beverly-Hills-Estate, and slathered myself in Restorsea’s Rejuvenating Day Cream at a whooping $150 for a 1.7-ounce jar.

I’m sitting here trying to math this out right now, and I just Googled “how to cross multiply” and I can’t make any sense of this, but I’m guessing that equals out to around 50% worth of Lopez.

Anyway, the main difference between the Restorsea moisturizer and the Délivré is that the former has no mineral oil, while it is the fourth ingredient listed on Délivré’s. My body skin, I think, reacts well to mineral oil. I found Délivré’s cream to be extremely rich and moisturizing, while Restorsea’s felt very nourishing (its moisturizers are in the form of shea butter and glycerin, although the other also has shea butter), but didn’t leave my skin with the same glowy look, nor did it last as long as the other cream. It does soften my skin nicely and leave it feeling comfortably moisturized. It also has a really fresh and subtle floral smell that I kind of love.

HOWEVER, these are intended to be used as face creams, so I’d definitely use the Restorsea moisturizer on my face before the heavier option. At least during the daytime and during the summer as my skin isn’t very dry. I could see myself switching to the Délivré version as my face gets flakier and the weather turns less muggy.

In conclooshun, NOTHING tops the feeling of disgustingly decadent indulgence, even if you can’t see that big of a change in your skin--so keep that in mind as you continue reading. The only caveat of wast--no, using expensive face creams on your body is that you can definitely find a rich body cream for cheaper with all the mineral oil and shea butter you could ever want or need, but probably without the great anti-aging ingredients and bioactive polyelectrolyte acids that you’ll find in a nice face cream. Which, eh, don’t make THAT much of a difference--immediately, at least--to make me want to spend actual money on it. Pretty sure it was the mineral oil that kept me looking glowy days later, although the formulation was definitely better than any body moisturizer I've tried as far as skin absorption.

And, honestly, it’s kind of a hassle to deal with a completely empty jar after only two uses. Like, is matte green plastic fused onto a metal cap on frosted glass even recyclable? Should I just mail these things to Reformation and suggest they make an environmentally-friendly capsule jewelry collection? And request that they please tag me on the inevitable flood of Instagrams of said collection?