I Don't Know How To Feel About My Mom's Anti-Aging Products

Is she wasting money on gimmicky stuff, or is there really science behind the stuff I find so funny?
Publish date:
February 13, 2014
anti-aging, eyelashes, devices, collagen, elastin, Mavala, StriVectin, Talika

The other night, I walked into my mom’s
bedroom to find her holding a weird light to her face. This isn’t the strangest
thing I’ve seen her doing to her face. Just recently, she finished her bottle
of prescription glaucoma eyedrops. She said it made her lashes grow. Sure,
the drops could possibly change your natural eye colour as a rare side effect,
but beauty is pain, right?

Most times that I go shopping with my mom,
I find her buying an insanely expensive gimmicky cream or serum (you don’t KNOW
serums until you’ve looked under my mom’s bathroom sink) or hair thing. I guess
she sort of takes after her mom, who buys most of her household appliances
based on the efficacy of the latest infomercial.

The first thing I wanted to try from my
mom’s stash was the face light thingy. What was this metal contraption
supposed to do?

Turns out, it’s called a Talika Light 590 Collagen Booster and
it’s a light therapy program for youthful skin. The Talika website says that
the light is "inspired by aerospace research." Obviously.

Once I figured out
how to turn it on (I had to charge it first, but I was thisclose to just hitting it to get it to work), I followed the
instructions by holding the light 3cm away from my face and just sort of
letting the light do its work.

This little, portable, rechargeable device works
by emitting light waves that are supposed to aid in the revival of collagen, as
well as the creation of elastin. (Collagen and elastin provide the skin with its
firmness and elasticity.) I saw no results, but my mom swears by it as a
wrinkle-fighting tool. Maybe I’ll pull this one out again in a few years.

The second product I noticed was a tube of
StriVectin SD Intensive Concentrate for Stretch Marks & Wrinkles that my
mom is always raving about. It is her "number-one product."

According to
the bottle itself (it's always handy to list your claims on the front of your packaging, no?), it says that by week two, you
will experience a “natural collagen and moisture resurging, texture and
resilience improving”; by week four, your natural cell turnover will intensify, and any visible discolorations will have faded; by week eight, your
wrinkles and/or stretch marks will be diminished.

I’m sure this product is fantastic--many
people are crazy about its effects. If I had a lot of money to drop on one product,
I would probably buy this for my horrible stretch marks. Unfortunately, the $139
price tag is quite a turn off. Really, mom?

The final product I couldn’t help but find
funny was the bottle of Mavala Double-Lash.

This was funny for two reasons:
firstly, why would my mom buy this when she had her slightly dodgy prescription
eyedrops that really, really worked? Secondly, it is similar to a product I
bought for myself about a year ago--a L’Oreal Lash Boosting Serum--that I
barely used enough to say if it works or not.

I better start saving if I’m to follow in my mom’s
footsteps. This product contains “a new active ingredient called Snail
Secretion Filtrate,” also known as Le Snot de la Snail (probably). I would love
to know how the snail’s leftover mucous is collected. Does someone follow it
with a little fro-yo spoon and glass jar in their lab coat? Apparently, snail
snot is known to provide moisturising, regenerating and protective effects,
boasting ingredients such as--you guessed it--collagen and elastin.

I think I am going to invent a product
called COLLASTIN and become a
multi-millionaire off of my mom alone. Hey, I’m not knocking it--I, too, am
drawn to my own set of buzzwords, such as HYPOALLERGENIC! and NONCOMEDOGENIC!
and KERATIN! We all need our gimmicky products to make us feel like a prettier,
more collagen'd up version of ourselves.