Anti-Aging Hand Sanitizer: Because You're Getting Older And More Disgusting

This multitasking hand lotion kills 99.9% of germs and 99.9% of oldness. (Don't quote me on that second stat.)

Mysophobia: Fear of germs.

Gerontophobia: Fear of getting old.

Mysogerontophobia: Word I just made up to describe the combined fear of germs and aging, an anxiety disorder for which there is no cure, because, again, I just made it up.

OK, so mysogerontophobia isn't recognized by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, or anyone else for that matter, but plenty of us are weirded out by both invisible filth and visible signs of aging.

That's why I can't believe there aren't a million more products like Pharmagel Hand Therapè Sanitizer.

Here's the deal: Like every other hand sanitizer, it contains an antimicrobial active ingredient that kills 99.9% of germs. (Shake your dirty fist at the fugitive 0.1%--it's all in vain.) But that's pretty much the only way it's similar to other hand sanitizers.

Instead of a skin-drying gel format, Hand Therapè Sanitizer is a lightweight lotion--with a pleasant yet unobtrusive scent--that moisturizes with shea butter and jojoba oil.


It also includes anti-aging extracts like the president of the antioxidant club, green tea, and licorice, which has been shown to improve skin discoloration.

But Pharmagel isn't just going to throw some plants at you and be all, "Good luck with your collagen loss and hyperpigmentation, suckas." Oh, no, no. Hand Therapè Sanitizer contains retinol--yes, the retinol that smooths away lines like whoa--and an anti-aging peptide. (You know about peptides. We just talked about this.)

The instructions recommend applying it once in the morning and once in the evening, which is cute, because anyone who's really into hand sanitizer doesn't apply it upon waking up and then right before bed. I mean, they do; but then they apply it 80 times in-between. (That won't make your hands look any younger, by the way--82 applications of retinol a day is not advised.)

There's something really satisfying about knowing your're killing disease-y microorganisms softly while helping your hands match the youthfulness of your face. Because Bob forbid you end up getting called out in the tabloids for having hands that "betray" the age you look from the neck up.

The packaging brags that the formula is revolutionary, and I have to agree. I think a lot of folks have been waiting for a multitasker like this.

How about you? Do you have mysogerontophobia? Is this everything you've ever wanted in a single bottle?