It's gonna get sappy up in here.
There is nothing better than unwinding with a cocktail after a long day, or grabbing a late night drink with a friend. When enjoyed responsibly, alcohol can enhance any social gathering or activity. But one thing is universally understood though not widely discussed: Drinking is the most fun when you’re not supposed to be drinking.
I am a devoted advocate of the “pregame,” or getting a few drinks in you before doing, well, anything! You can pregame anything if you’re crafty. My favorite activities to partake in while casually sauced include shopping, dinner parties, family gatherings, and going to the DMV.
Part of the art of pre-drinking is not letting anyone in on the fact that you had a couple cocktails before the funeral, or whatever. Believe me, one wrong move and you’ll end up being “That Guy Who Got Drunk Before His Final Exam Powerpoint Presentation,” or so I am told. So any tip or trick that masks the fact that I’ve had a few is always welcome.
I love red wine, but I rarely drink it when I’m out for the same reason I don’t eat chocolate cake in public -- because it’s going to get in my teeth. This is an epidemic called “Wine Mouth” and can be experienced after a single glass of your favorite cabernet. The problem with Wine Mouth is that it leads people to the assumption that, because you’ve been drinking, that you’re drunk. Its cousin, “Wine Face” is experienced after the whole bottle.
Never again will we fall victim to Wine Mouth because there is a product made especially for combating the signs of drinking red wine: Wine Wipes!
These little wipes come in a mirrored compact and are made to rid your teeth of red wine stains. But do they work?
“Do you guys want to drink a ton of wine and take a couple photos today?” I asked my friends, as we were sitting at brunch, drinking mimosas, and taking selfies.
An hour later, we had three bottles of wine and an entire afternoon to see if Wine Wipes were a legit product or more of a novelty. So we drank!
I thought we had only grabbed two bottles, but somehow we ended up with three. We really had our work cut out for us, but my stupid friends and I were up for the challenge.
Well, Ryan was, at least. Matt passed out before we could take the “after” photos.
So, three bottles of wine later, our mouths were nice and purple.
I was actually surprised that our mouths and teeth weren't more stained than they were, because trust me when I say that we drank a lot. No problem, though, we were still plenty purple, so the Wine Wipes had their work cut out for them.
First of all, the compact coming with a mirror is pure genius. I think everything should have mirror on it because I'm just really tired of checking my reflection in the screen of my phone.
So each of us grabbed a wipe and went to work on our purple teeth.
They didn't have the harsh smell of a cleanser that you usually get with one of those normal wet wipes, which was a relief. How gross would it be to put one of those in your mouth?
They were actually completely flavorless! They were designed to cleanse your mouth without interfering with the taste of the wine, which is thoughtful of them.
The wine wipes contain some of the same active ingredients as toothpaste such as hydrogen peroxide and baking soda, so you really are cleaning and whitening your teeth instead of just wiping them off.
So it's time for the big reveal. What do you think?
They really worked! I was pretty impressed. After a few swipes of the Wine Wipes, there were no remnants of wine stains or any evidence that we had just drank three bottles of wine (despite the fact that we both reeked like red wine, but that's why god invented perfume.)
So are Wine Wipes going to change the world? Perhaps not, but it's great to have a product that's as portable as this instead of lugging around toothpaste and a toothbrush with you everywhere you go. Could you achieve the same result with a wet wipe? Maybe? But you probably wouldn't want to put one in your mouth. Besides, those are for cleaning and disinfecting your hands, not cleaning and polishing your teeth.
I know that I've personally tried to get rid of wine stained teeth in a pinch, and whipping out one of these is much better than swishing water around in your mouth in the bathroom of a bar. Trust me on that.
Has the fear of wine stains ever stopped you from enjoying a red wine? I've opted for a vodka soda when what I really wanted was wine many times, but no longer! What's your favorite drink? What's you favorite occasion to pregame? Tell me in the comments! I'm going to pregame reading them.
Tynan is (still) drunk on Twitter @TynanBuck.