It's gonna get sappy up in here.
You guys, the most amazing thing happened to me yesterday!
Look at my ring! It's so sparkly! I still can't believe it -- I keep pinching myself. I feel like I'm a walking, talking fairytale.
It all happened so suddenly -- there I was, casually browsing at Aldo in the mall when I suddenly realized that all their jewelry was buy one, get one free. So I bought the sparkly "diamond" ring I'm wearing in the above photo -- plus a cute pair of hot pink earrings -- for a grand total of only 12 bucks. Deal of the century!
Wait a minute, did you think I got engaged or something? Whatever gave you that idea?
My mom actually just disowned me after reading that, so I hope you enjoyed it. No, I am not engaged -- nor will I likely ever be. I'll probably wind up getting married on a whim at the courthouse one random Tuesday in August so my dude can get my stellar union costume girl health insurance. But if I were to find myself engaged, you can be dead sure I'd be taking a #Relfie.
What, you haven't heard? Selfies are dead. Everyone who is anyone (meaning newly engaged girls only) is now supposedly taking "#Relfies" -- also known as a photo of your hand with your brand new engagement ring on it, posted to the social media outlet of your choice! (I think it stands for "ring selfie"?)
I wasn't aware "#Relfies" were a thing (because they really aren't, duh) until I got two separate emails yesterday from different plastic surgeons urging me to tell my readers all about this hot new trend:
Engagement ring selfies (#Relfies!) are the latest trend for social media and celebrities. Women want their hands to look perfect to display their new rock and are seeking out plastic surgery or injectables for their hands to look youthful and wrinkle free.
Hands are one of the first to show signs of aging, and Dr. REDACTED, an American Board Certified Plastic Surgeon with a practice in Manhattan, says he has been seeing a rise in women with hand concerns. "Women come to me with concerns that their hands are not feminine enough or that they look "old" due to loss of volume and/or skin laxity,” says Dr. REDACTED.
(Side note: "skin laxity" is a horrible, fancy word for wrinkled, just in case you were wondering. I was, so I looked it up.)
A new treatment is available to treat skin issues on the hands. ThermiSmooth utilizes new ThermiRF radio frequency technology, using a specially designed thermistor to deliver precise heating and monitoring capabilities. When heated between 42 and 45 degrees Celsius, new collagen is produced and younger looking hands are seen immediately, with results enhanced over time.
So, now you can add your gross, old hands to the list of things about you that aren't up to snuff. If you're keeping score at home of all the flaws you have that need fixing via plastic surgery, this brings the total to ABSOLUTELY EVERY SINGLE THING ABOUT YOUR STUPID BODY.
I find it pretty hilarious that any plastic surgeon would have the guts to pitch me after my letter to Dr. Fartface -- but I'm also sympathetic to those who might want a little help to make their hands look "better." So I've got a few tips for babes who want 'em -- plastic surgery being one, obviously, but please don't really do that. (I swear I'll still 'like' your #Relfie, no matter what your hands look like.)
WEAR OVEN MITTS AT ALL TIMES TO PROTECT YOUR HANDS.
Okay, I actually got this idea from George Costanza, but it's a good one.
Alternatively, you could just wear regular old gloves everywhere and avoid chores (including opening doors!) like this lady.
HOLD YOUR HANDS ABOVE YOUR HEAD 24/7.
You might be laughing, but this really does work. I once ran into a very famous wardrobe stylist pal of mine at Barney's and was struck by her adorable outfit -- so I instantly demanded she let me snap a photo of her. She set down the bags she was carrying, held her hands above her head for a full minute and then said "OK!"
I started to laugh, but the veins in her hands were far less noticeable after she did that. I guess keeping the blood from going to your hands makes them look better?
ALWAYS WEAR SUNSCREEN ON YOUR HANDS.
This is the only one of my ideas for great-looking hands that actually has a chance of working, by the way. Sun = damage, so protect your hands like it's your job -- and they will reward you by looking "younger."
Luxury suncare brand Coola makes a lovely, lightly tinted sunscreen which allows you to cover up any perceived hand imperfections in a snap -- plus it has the added benefit of smelling like roses! (I'm secretly Jane Pratt's 107 year-old grandma. I love old-lady smells.)
USE A FILTER.
We live in an amazing era where any fool with an iPhone can use an app to adjust his or her photos to be far more flattering than the work of ten plastic surgeons. MoreBeaute is a good, free one -- no needles necessary!
JUST DON'T CARE.
Yeah. Who cares? Don't worry about this stupid stuff. Your hands are fine -- lovely, even. They allowed you to click over to this glorious website and scroll through this clever article, right? See! Your hands are perfect.
Get it together, Aldo. Selfies are SO 2013. Long live the #Relfie!
I'm on Twitter: @IveyAlison