In which I reveal the MIRACLE PRODUCT™ that helped my upper lip go from ZZ Top to Lex Luthor with ZERO irritation.
Publish date:
November 30, 2011
shoppables, hair removal, waxing, depilatory creams, facial hair, products that work, mustache

There's been a lot of talk about body hair on xoJane lately, from those who experimented with growing a '70s bush to others who went full-on Brazilian for a boyfriend. I'm personally not so concerned with hair issues from the neck down, whether it's my legs or my lady business -- a biweekly razoring with Aveeno Positively Smooth Shaving Gel keeps me pretty happy in that department. No, it's the above-the-neck hair that gives me the grumps.

Like my fellow xoJaner Jess, I started sprouting some stray hairs along my chin and jawline a few years back. Unlike Jess, my errant hairs were pretty aggressive, and the amount of time I had to spend plucking them got to be positively outrageous. As I told her then:

Those accursed chin hairs are gone for good, but the one area I never allowed my electrologist to touch was my upper lip. Not because I didn't want those hairs removed too, but because electrolysis on the upper lip HURTS LIKE FUCKING HELL.

It's like the hair removal equivalent of a kick in the nuts, I'd wager.

Oh, she tried to sneak in a zap or two from time to time when she thought I wouldn't notice, but every time she did I'd lift out of the chair about 10 feet and burst into involuntary tears, so it didn't happen often.

So I'd resigned myself to a lifetime of waxing. I don't have a lot of dark hairs on my upper lip, but what I do get is thick, blond and pesky. ANNOYING. And for some reason, it doesn't come up easily (and I've tried every type of wax and several different aestheticians) so the same areas need to be repeatedly waxed -- and more often than not, I end up suffering through an additional 10 minutes of slow-ass, hair-by-hair plucking -- which, due to my skin's ridiculous sensitivity, leaves me red and irritated for at least 24 hours afterward. It blows!

I've considered giving threading a try, as Cat recommended a while back, but have yet to put in the research to find a place. I'm not ruling it out. I won't try laser hair removal, since everyone I know who has had it done said it didn't work in the long run. My other options, hair removal and/or prevention creams and waxing strips, have both proven to be, once again, too irritating for my skin. WHY MUST I BE SUCH A DELICATE FLOWER? WHY?!?!

I'm not sure what possessed me to buy this stuff (it was $22.49 at Target) when I usually break into a rash if I even glance at words like "Nair" or "Jolen Creme Bleach." I'm gullible, maybe, and was seduced by the box and its claims of a newfangled "Skin Guarding Balm" that is supposed to form a layer between your delicate face and the hair removing chemicals in the cream. So I gambled -- but this time I won! It totally works!!

After washing my face one morning, I applied a thin layer of the guarding balm and massaged it all over my upper lip area, extending it a little beyond the area I'd be removing hair from. Then I glooped on some of the hair removing cream and waited 7 minutes (they recommend between 6-8). I swiped it off with a tissue, rinsed my face with lukewarm water, and waited for my lip to swell up. I got out the hydrocortisone cream just in case.

Nothing happened. Even my husband -- who gets cranky when I experiment with facial products other than Cetaphil because, as he loves to remind me, "You KNOW you can't handle it!" -- was befuddled. But there it was, a smooth and hairless lip without the slightest hint of redness. I was able to apply my usual daily moisturizer, slap on some lipstick and mascara, and take the photo above. THIS IS UNHEARD OF.

It's been a week-and-a-half since I tried it, and my regrowth has been minimal. I figure I can use this stuff every 2-3 weeks or so and save a lot of money (my waxing studio was $15 before tip). This may not seem groundbreaking, but I wanted to share this info in case any of y'all have skin like mine (which I often say is as sensitive as a premature baby's). I'd love to find out if it works as well for you as it did for me.